(no subject)
Wow.
June will be two years since i have made an entry.
My life has changed in so many ways i do not even know where to start.
Well i will start with my much missed grandmother.
I lost my wonderful grandmother in 2007. She died very quickly and quietly. It felt as though someone took a knife and stabbed me in the heart repeatedly. My heart finally knew what real heart wrenching pain felt like. My heart still feels as though i just lost her. My grandma played four roles in my life and to this day she is still playing the last role. The roles she played while she was still alive was my grandma, my second mother, my father like figure, and my best friend. The last role she is playing is my guardian angel.
While i still had my grandmother in my life. I had noticed some changes within her usually go to it self. She was not rushing out the door anymore to tend to her old ladies, her energy level had decreased rapidly, i noticed quite a bit of weight loss especially in her back when she bent over, and she was never really in the mood to go out anywhere anymore. I remember asking her if she was trying to lose weight and she got overly upset and told me to mind my own business. That is when i knew something was seriously wrong!
To this day, i do not know what push it took for my grandmother to go and get an X-Ray done. I don't know if she told my mother how she was feeling, or if my mother just knew and convinced her to get a check-up! Secretly i think my grandma knew she was not doing well, and that she was not going to be around a lot longer. The results were in and there was not one ounce of good news behind them.
My grandma told me that she was putting rouge on her cheeks so that she did not look so pale. This was apparently her way of letting people get on with their lives and not letting anyone worry about her.
In and out of the hospital for one thing after another. Started with blood transfusions, moved to anemia, a blood clot in her leg, and she just got worse from there on.
While my grandma was in the hospital i was in school. All she wanted was to see me succeed and i promised her that i would finish my hair school and be her successful Kate. I let my head get the best of me at school. There is no way i could concentrate, my mind would wander to unwanted thoughts of death, and i would just end up leaving school early to go and be with her.
I remember my mother telling me that she did not have very long to live and that i should say my goodbyes while i still had a chance. Also that i should spend as much time with her as i could. My instructor at school understood because his wife was in the middle of a cancer battle herself. Time seemed to go by so quickly. In the back of my head i didn't think that she was going to die.
May 30th 2007
I woke up and started to get ready for school. I had decided that i was going to go and visit my grandma before school. I was getting ready and i ran out of time to catch the right bus to get me to Surrey Memorial on time. Thinking that my grandma was not going anywhere and that today wasn't going to be the day, i had decided that i would just go after school.
At about 7:09 am i was three quarters of the way to the bus stop when something odd happened. There was this crow. This crow was perched on the light of a lamp post and was squaking at me uncontrollably. As i advanced, the crow advanced and continued to squak at me. This went on all the way to the bus stop. So putting that thought aside i got on the bus and put my music on and i was on my way to Vancouver. When we got to the park and ride a girl named Sheila i have known for years got on the bus and sat beside me.
About half way into the trip, my sister called. She asked me where i was and told me that i should come home. I asked her why and she told me that it was about my grandma and that i should just come home. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that my grandma had died. After that piece of news, the rest of the trip was a blur. I remember crying all the way to Vancouver in Sheila's arms. I got to Vancouver and walked into my school just balling my eyes out. Phil gave me a hug and told me to get my stuff and go home. I walked into the salon to get my stuff and i saw my only friend in school there working on her maniquin. She dropped what she was doing and just held me for a couple of minutes as i cried. After i gathered my stuff, I made my way to the bus stop and waited. I cried so hard all the way home. I did not even care who saw me or what they thought. It felt like time had stopped.
When i got into town my mother was waiting for me. We went to London Drugs so i could get my favorite picture of my grandma developed as a wallet size for the whole family. I know that my side of the family appreciated it. When i got home i saw the reality and the pain in everyones faces. My heart broke along with everyone elses. My mum took me uptown to gander on my own and think. Not even half an hour later i called my mum and asked her why everyone else got to live? I told her that it was not fair and that grandma should not have died and that it was some sort of a mistake.
To be quite honest the days after are a blur. Not only the days, but the last two and a half years! I shut myself down emotionally. My life changed in the most horrible way. I lost who i was, and i still have not quite figured out how to get that person back. I don't know if i ever will be the same person again.
I could tell my grandmother anything! She taught me so much, and loved me no matter what was going on in her or my life, or what time she was picking me up in the middle of the night. I miss her immensely! No one will ever replace her.
June will be two years since i have made an entry.
My life has changed in so many ways i do not even know where to start.
Well i will start with my much missed grandmother.
I lost my wonderful grandmother in 2007. She died very quickly and quietly. It felt as though someone took a knife and stabbed me in the heart repeatedly. My heart finally knew what real heart wrenching pain felt like. My heart still feels as though i just lost her. My grandma played four roles in my life and to this day she is still playing the last role. The roles she played while she was still alive was my grandma, my second mother, my father like figure, and my best friend. The last role she is playing is my guardian angel.
While i still had my grandmother in my life. I had noticed some changes within her usually go to it self. She was not rushing out the door anymore to tend to her old ladies, her energy level had decreased rapidly, i noticed quite a bit of weight loss especially in her back when she bent over, and she was never really in the mood to go out anywhere anymore. I remember asking her if she was trying to lose weight and she got overly upset and told me to mind my own business. That is when i knew something was seriously wrong!
To this day, i do not know what push it took for my grandmother to go and get an X-Ray done. I don't know if she told my mother how she was feeling, or if my mother just knew and convinced her to get a check-up! Secretly i think my grandma knew she was not doing well, and that she was not going to be around a lot longer. The results were in and there was not one ounce of good news behind them.
My grandma told me that she was putting rouge on her cheeks so that she did not look so pale. This was apparently her way of letting people get on with their lives and not letting anyone worry about her.
In and out of the hospital for one thing after another. Started with blood transfusions, moved to anemia, a blood clot in her leg, and she just got worse from there on.
While my grandma was in the hospital i was in school. All she wanted was to see me succeed and i promised her that i would finish my hair school and be her successful Kate. I let my head get the best of me at school. There is no way i could concentrate, my mind would wander to unwanted thoughts of death, and i would just end up leaving school early to go and be with her.
I remember my mother telling me that she did not have very long to live and that i should say my goodbyes while i still had a chance. Also that i should spend as much time with her as i could. My instructor at school understood because his wife was in the middle of a cancer battle herself. Time seemed to go by so quickly. In the back of my head i didn't think that she was going to die.
May 30th 2007
I woke up and started to get ready for school. I had decided that i was going to go and visit my grandma before school. I was getting ready and i ran out of time to catch the right bus to get me to Surrey Memorial on time. Thinking that my grandma was not going anywhere and that today wasn't going to be the day, i had decided that i would just go after school.
At about 7:09 am i was three quarters of the way to the bus stop when something odd happened. There was this crow. This crow was perched on the light of a lamp post and was squaking at me uncontrollably. As i advanced, the crow advanced and continued to squak at me. This went on all the way to the bus stop. So putting that thought aside i got on the bus and put my music on and i was on my way to Vancouver. When we got to the park and ride a girl named Sheila i have known for years got on the bus and sat beside me.
About half way into the trip, my sister called. She asked me where i was and told me that i should come home. I asked her why and she told me that it was about my grandma and that i should just come home. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that my grandma had died. After that piece of news, the rest of the trip was a blur. I remember crying all the way to Vancouver in Sheila's arms. I got to Vancouver and walked into my school just balling my eyes out. Phil gave me a hug and told me to get my stuff and go home. I walked into the salon to get my stuff and i saw my only friend in school there working on her maniquin. She dropped what she was doing and just held me for a couple of minutes as i cried. After i gathered my stuff, I made my way to the bus stop and waited. I cried so hard all the way home. I did not even care who saw me or what they thought. It felt like time had stopped.
When i got into town my mother was waiting for me. We went to London Drugs so i could get my favorite picture of my grandma developed as a wallet size for the whole family. I know that my side of the family appreciated it. When i got home i saw the reality and the pain in everyones faces. My heart broke along with everyone elses. My mum took me uptown to gander on my own and think. Not even half an hour later i called my mum and asked her why everyone else got to live? I told her that it was not fair and that grandma should not have died and that it was some sort of a mistake.
To be quite honest the days after are a blur. Not only the days, but the last two and a half years! I shut myself down emotionally. My life changed in the most horrible way. I lost who i was, and i still have not quite figured out how to get that person back. I don't know if i ever will be the same person again.
I could tell my grandmother anything! She taught me so much, and loved me no matter what was going on in her or my life, or what time she was picking me up in the middle of the night. I miss her immensely! No one will ever replace her.