what you wanted } { I said if destiny's kind, I've got the rest of my mind
[huntersdaughter and ohgodkillme_now are used with permission and love.]
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to
And my eyes don't recognize you no more.
Jonathan Castiel is a man who leans toward breaking the rules more often than not.
The idea that they just don’t apply to him comes about at a young age, and is not something he can ever really shake. It doesn’t help the fact that that’s what people keep telling him to be the truth. A little boy is suppose to have a family. A family consists of a mother, a father, assorted siblings and maybe a dog. However, his mother is dead, his father is long gone, and the closest he has to siblings is the orphanage where he grows up, a collective group of ragtag children with no families of their own-just this unspoken false promise that maybe, one day, they’ll be adopted, and suddenly the rules would apply.
As it turns out, for Castiel, the rules were never really meant to apply.
He gets recruited into the Time Agency at a young age, earlier than most. Zachariah and their fearless leader take an acute interest in him, and the fact that he has no family is a plus, rather than a minus. They don’t see that because of this, Castiel really doesn’t know the meaning of loyalty, but they don’t really breed Time Agents to be loyal. They breed them to look out for themselves, and that’s something that Castiel is very, very good at. Zachariah grooms him as his own personal agent, and while Castiel is aware he’s being used as a pawn, the rapt attention of someone he looks up to is something he’s never had. He soaks it in like a sponge, letting the man craft him into the person he wants him to be, and in the end, he doesn’t meet much resistance. After a while, the boy from the orphanage disappears, and he becomes more Agent Castiel, occasionally Cas, than he ever was a Jonathan. In fact, he drops it completely in the end-it is his father’s name, and there’s certain things that he doesn’t want to be associated with anymore.
Still, even with his love for the Agency, the rules don’t apply. He breaks them every chance he gets, bends them to meet his needs and holds as little respect for his superiors as he has for any other adult that has held authority over him throughout his life. He has respect for the flow of time, and his partners are lucky that he holds some modicum of respect for them, but at the end of the day, the only person that Castiel is worried about is himself. The world is simply a safer place that way-whether it be for him, or for everyone else, no one could really be sure.
And then he meets Dean Winchester.
Dean is the polar opposite of everything Castiel is meant to be. Dean is bred to be loyal, to have faith in people and the rules, whether or not anyone else around him does. He knows the lines and he doesn’t cross them, and when Castiel is originally paired with him, all he wants to do is laugh. There’s no way possible that they would ever manage to be effective together. Dean is born of agency royalty and the long list of Winchesters and Campbells who had graced the most noted events of their history is astonishing, to say the least. They were there at the agency’s conception, and if Dean had any say, his family is going to continue doing it until there’s none of them left. It is the story of the crown prince paired with the misfit that never should have been there in the first place, and somehow, somewhere along the way, it works. Cas doesn’t understand it, but he doesn’t question it either, because for once, he actually feels like he has a friend. And that’s something he couldn’t possibly think of trading.
Dean Winchester is a good influence in him, but Castiel still breaks the rules. Sometimes, it’s just how things need to be done.
***
Castiel meets Jo on December 27, 1994. He and Dean are hunting Weevils in the bedroom. She is hiding under the bed.
They really didn’t intend to land in her bedroom while tangling with a Weevil, it just so happens that her bedroom happens to sit on a rift in time and space. This particular rift happens to be in Nebraska, so nothing all that interesting really comes through it, but every once in a while you’ll get a particularly interesting alien. Like a Sontaran. Or a Cat Person. Or two Time Agents and a very angry Weevil who happened to step on that same hole and fall through a couple centuries to land in an eight year-old’s bedroom. They then proceed to not notice the eight year-old is there, and take out the Weevil.
It’s generally very messy, and very awkward, but once that’s taken care of, Dean is sending the body through the vortex, back to where it belongs, and glancing over at Cas with a sigh. “Dude, let’s bail. We gotta get out of here before someone sees us.”
Cas, however, isn’t convinced they haven’t already been caught, and holds up a finger for him to be quiet. He slowly tiptoes his way around the corner of the bed, before dropping down onto his stomach and peering at the small girl that’s underneath. She’s tiny and blond, with big brown eyes, and obviously terrified. He just watches her as she watches him, both of them waiting for the other to make the first move, so that they could know whether to attack or defend. They can’t stay like this forever, though. One of them has to try.
“Hi.”
She’s hesitant at first. Her parents clearly gave her the ‘Don’t talk to strangers’ speech that is so big in this century, never mind the fact that Dean and Cas just killed something in her bedroom following appearing out of nowhere, so Castiel really can’t blame her. What happened is probably more of the seedy underbelly of the world than she is ever meant to see. So in the end, this has been a pretty eventful evening for her, and Cas wouldn’t blame her if she just wants to stay under the bed forever and never come out. It’s an impractical decision, but still a logical one. But eventually she uncurls, just a little, and her hand comes out in a tiny, but awkward wave. Cas shifts onto his stomach a little more, before extending a hand to her.
“It’s okay. You can come out. It’s safe.”
It again takes more coaxing. She needs to know that it’s the truth, and not just a platitude to get her to come out, but eventually the hand that waved to him inches forward, fitting comfortably in the expanse of his palm and lets him pull her out from under the bed. She glances back and forth between him and Dean for a moment, before she comes to the only conclusion her child mind can process.
“Are you guys superheros?” The look on her face isn’t of awe or wonderment. It’s a large dose of skepticism and a heavy taste of ‘yeah, right.’ “Because they’re not supposed to be real.”
Castiel is about to answer that question when Dean cuts him off. “Yeah. We’re superheros.” Cas turns to give him a look, and Dean shrugs. “She’s eight, Cas.”
“And that gives us an excuse to lie?”
The girl is not impressed by Dean’s confession, or the fact that Cas wanted to tell her the truth. “How did you get in here, anyway? You didn’t come through the door or the window.”
Cas looks at Dean. Dean gives him a look that says ‘You opened the door’ and he knows that he’s right. So he sighs, crouches down so that he’s eye level with Jo, before starting to speak. “That, little girl-”
“Jo.”
“Huh?”
“My name is Jo.”
“Okay, Jo. I’m Cas, this is Dean.” He gestures back to his partner behind him, and Dean gives a wave before he goes back to making his point. “As I was saying, that is a very long and complicated story, that I would be happy to tell you-” He could hear Dean’s protest forming, and he cuts it off at the pass, with a bit of a look back towards his partner. “-while we get you a glass of water to get you back to sleep.” The action that would be taken there is implied, but it’s clear. This is about protecting the agency. Cas will do what he has to do to protect her. He’ll retcon her, just like he’s supposed to.
He raises up onto his feet and extends a hand to her, and she pauses for a moment before taking it. Dean looks at him skeptically, but Cas silently tells him to relax. He’s got this. He can handle one little girl.
“So who are you?” she asks once they’re past the door, and Cas looks down at her with a sigh.
“We’re what’s called Time Agents. We preserve time and make sure that major events aren’t altered with.”
“So what was that guy you were fighting?”
“That is a weevil. It’s a nasty alien that doesn’t really have much of a brain but tends to like to eat people.”
Her nose wrinkles. It’s sort of adorable. “That’s gross.”
He smirks. “Yeah, it is.” When they reach the kitchen, he places her up on the counter next to the sink, before glancing around at the cabinets. “Where are the glasses?”
She points to one of the cabinets, and he goes the fetch the glass before moving to the sink. “So you do this all the time? Chase aliens and stuff?”
He nods slowly, watching the line of the water as it rises. “Pretty much.”
She nods, kicking her legs back and forth for a moment, before looking over at him. “You’re gonna make me forget, aren’t you?”
He glances back over at her, surprised that she goes to that conclusion, but he nods. “That would be protocol.”
“Why?”
His head tips. “Don’t you want to forget? You’re life’s never going to be the same after this. You’re going to know things, that everyone else doesn’t.”
“So?” she shrugs. “It’s sorta cool. Like having a secret.”
“Like having a secret.” His eyes turn back to the glass of water in his hand. He’s talking to an eight year-old. He should know better. But at the same time … “Do you think you could keep it a secret?”
She perks up, sitting straight up on the counter and nodding her head eagerly. He isn’t sure why she’s so sure she wants to remember, but he can’t consciously take that away from her now. Even if she won’t remember that he’s doing it. It’s the principle of the thing. He pauses, before tipping the glass and dumping out the water. Her face lights up, and he turns back to her, holding up a finger.
“You can’t say a word to anyone, alright?” He seems Very Stern about this. “You mutter a word, and I have to come back to make you forget.”
“I won’t,” she says with a nod. “I promise.”
“Good,” he sighs. He glances back over his shoulder, checking to make sure that Dean isn’t around, before gesturing for her to climb into his arms. “Do you think you can pretend to be asleep?”
She nods and he scoops her up, before starting to carry her back to her room, head lolling against his shoulder. He puts her back into bed, he and Dean disappear, and Dean is none the wiser. He’s not sure why he did that for one special eight year-old girl, but he just-knows. Some people just aren’t meant to forget.
***
That isn’t the last time he sees Jo Harvelle. Somehow, some way, they always manage to keep slipping into the same parts of the time stream. It didn’t take long to figure out that Cas never actually retconned her the first time around. It is safe to say that Dean is less than pleased when the time comes, but Cas believes that it’s a necessary evil.
It’s worth it to see the smile on her face whenever their paths do cross. It makes him feel like somewhere, he actually did make an impact. More to the point, however, he has someone he actually feels loyal to, and that is a new feeling for him.
It’s a good feeling though. It’s a feeling he likes quite a bit.
***
Dean Winchester breaks one rule, and he receives a worse punishment than Cas ever could have imagined.
Granted he broke a pretty major rule, but the point stands. Dean takes a long, hazardous trip through the vortex of time and space, something that not many people survive, and Cas is out one of the best friends he’s ever had. And it sucks. He’s starting to remember why he never surrounded himself with people in the first place. Now, on top of that, there are questions as to whether or not he is involved, and he doesn’t want to deal with them. And when Cas wants to escape, he runs to the twenty first century.
This trip finds him in a bar in the middle of Boston, attempting to drink his weight in whiskey. He knows he won’t get very far, but he’s got a pretty high tolerance for a guy in this century. He could still get pretty damn far. He’s making love to a bottle of whiskey that would probably be better at this when it was a few years older, but it’s making due for right now. He’s been sending off clear ‘leave me alone’ signals, but every once in a while, a bartender will try to get between him and his bottle, and the look that comes up is dangerous and deadly. He’s personally surprised that they keep trying, but eventually, a thin set of pale arms land in front of him. He plans to tell them off before they can even start, but the sound of her voice cuts him off at the pass.
“Don’t even start that with me. You know better than that.”
He pauses for a moment, before looking up and letting his eyes meet hers. Big brown eyes. Big familiar brown eyes, and somehow just the thing he needs. He grins, slowly before giving her a bit of a wave.
“Hi.”
“Hey,” she says with a smile. “How about you stop drowning yourself in that whiskey and talk to me for a little bit instead?”
He considers for all of a minute. For some unknown reason, he really likes the sound of that. “I think I can work with that.”
“Good.”
2474 words
But my heart, it don't beat, it don't beat the way it used to.
And my eyes, they don't see you no more.
And my lips, they don't kiss, they don't kiss the way they used to
And my eyes don't recognize you no more.
Jonathan Castiel is a man who leans toward breaking the rules more often than not.
The idea that they just don’t apply to him comes about at a young age, and is not something he can ever really shake. It doesn’t help the fact that that’s what people keep telling him to be the truth. A little boy is suppose to have a family. A family consists of a mother, a father, assorted siblings and maybe a dog. However, his mother is dead, his father is long gone, and the closest he has to siblings is the orphanage where he grows up, a collective group of ragtag children with no families of their own-just this unspoken false promise that maybe, one day, they’ll be adopted, and suddenly the rules would apply.
As it turns out, for Castiel, the rules were never really meant to apply.
He gets recruited into the Time Agency at a young age, earlier than most. Zachariah and their fearless leader take an acute interest in him, and the fact that he has no family is a plus, rather than a minus. They don’t see that because of this, Castiel really doesn’t know the meaning of loyalty, but they don’t really breed Time Agents to be loyal. They breed them to look out for themselves, and that’s something that Castiel is very, very good at. Zachariah grooms him as his own personal agent, and while Castiel is aware he’s being used as a pawn, the rapt attention of someone he looks up to is something he’s never had. He soaks it in like a sponge, letting the man craft him into the person he wants him to be, and in the end, he doesn’t meet much resistance. After a while, the boy from the orphanage disappears, and he becomes more Agent Castiel, occasionally Cas, than he ever was a Jonathan. In fact, he drops it completely in the end-it is his father’s name, and there’s certain things that he doesn’t want to be associated with anymore.
Still, even with his love for the Agency, the rules don’t apply. He breaks them every chance he gets, bends them to meet his needs and holds as little respect for his superiors as he has for any other adult that has held authority over him throughout his life. He has respect for the flow of time, and his partners are lucky that he holds some modicum of respect for them, but at the end of the day, the only person that Castiel is worried about is himself. The world is simply a safer place that way-whether it be for him, or for everyone else, no one could really be sure.
And then he meets Dean Winchester.
Dean is the polar opposite of everything Castiel is meant to be. Dean is bred to be loyal, to have faith in people and the rules, whether or not anyone else around him does. He knows the lines and he doesn’t cross them, and when Castiel is originally paired with him, all he wants to do is laugh. There’s no way possible that they would ever manage to be effective together. Dean is born of agency royalty and the long list of Winchesters and Campbells who had graced the most noted events of their history is astonishing, to say the least. They were there at the agency’s conception, and if Dean had any say, his family is going to continue doing it until there’s none of them left. It is the story of the crown prince paired with the misfit that never should have been there in the first place, and somehow, somewhere along the way, it works. Cas doesn’t understand it, but he doesn’t question it either, because for once, he actually feels like he has a friend. And that’s something he couldn’t possibly think of trading.
Dean Winchester is a good influence in him, but Castiel still breaks the rules. Sometimes, it’s just how things need to be done.
***
Castiel meets Jo on December 27, 1994. He and Dean are hunting Weevils in the bedroom. She is hiding under the bed.
They really didn’t intend to land in her bedroom while tangling with a Weevil, it just so happens that her bedroom happens to sit on a rift in time and space. This particular rift happens to be in Nebraska, so nothing all that interesting really comes through it, but every once in a while you’ll get a particularly interesting alien. Like a Sontaran. Or a Cat Person. Or two Time Agents and a very angry Weevil who happened to step on that same hole and fall through a couple centuries to land in an eight year-old’s bedroom. They then proceed to not notice the eight year-old is there, and take out the Weevil.
It’s generally very messy, and very awkward, but once that’s taken care of, Dean is sending the body through the vortex, back to where it belongs, and glancing over at Cas with a sigh. “Dude, let’s bail. We gotta get out of here before someone sees us.”
Cas, however, isn’t convinced they haven’t already been caught, and holds up a finger for him to be quiet. He slowly tiptoes his way around the corner of the bed, before dropping down onto his stomach and peering at the small girl that’s underneath. She’s tiny and blond, with big brown eyes, and obviously terrified. He just watches her as she watches him, both of them waiting for the other to make the first move, so that they could know whether to attack or defend. They can’t stay like this forever, though. One of them has to try.
“Hi.”
She’s hesitant at first. Her parents clearly gave her the ‘Don’t talk to strangers’ speech that is so big in this century, never mind the fact that Dean and Cas just killed something in her bedroom following appearing out of nowhere, so Castiel really can’t blame her. What happened is probably more of the seedy underbelly of the world than she is ever meant to see. So in the end, this has been a pretty eventful evening for her, and Cas wouldn’t blame her if she just wants to stay under the bed forever and never come out. It’s an impractical decision, but still a logical one. But eventually she uncurls, just a little, and her hand comes out in a tiny, but awkward wave. Cas shifts onto his stomach a little more, before extending a hand to her.
“It’s okay. You can come out. It’s safe.”
It again takes more coaxing. She needs to know that it’s the truth, and not just a platitude to get her to come out, but eventually the hand that waved to him inches forward, fitting comfortably in the expanse of his palm and lets him pull her out from under the bed. She glances back and forth between him and Dean for a moment, before she comes to the only conclusion her child mind can process.
“Are you guys superheros?” The look on her face isn’t of awe or wonderment. It’s a large dose of skepticism and a heavy taste of ‘yeah, right.’ “Because they’re not supposed to be real.”
Castiel is about to answer that question when Dean cuts him off. “Yeah. We’re superheros.” Cas turns to give him a look, and Dean shrugs. “She’s eight, Cas.”
“And that gives us an excuse to lie?”
The girl is not impressed by Dean’s confession, or the fact that Cas wanted to tell her the truth. “How did you get in here, anyway? You didn’t come through the door or the window.”
Cas looks at Dean. Dean gives him a look that says ‘You opened the door’ and he knows that he’s right. So he sighs, crouches down so that he’s eye level with Jo, before starting to speak. “That, little girl-”
“Jo.”
“Huh?”
“My name is Jo.”
“Okay, Jo. I’m Cas, this is Dean.” He gestures back to his partner behind him, and Dean gives a wave before he goes back to making his point. “As I was saying, that is a very long and complicated story, that I would be happy to tell you-” He could hear Dean’s protest forming, and he cuts it off at the pass, with a bit of a look back towards his partner. “-while we get you a glass of water to get you back to sleep.” The action that would be taken there is implied, but it’s clear. This is about protecting the agency. Cas will do what he has to do to protect her. He’ll retcon her, just like he’s supposed to.
He raises up onto his feet and extends a hand to her, and she pauses for a moment before taking it. Dean looks at him skeptically, but Cas silently tells him to relax. He’s got this. He can handle one little girl.
“So who are you?” she asks once they’re past the door, and Cas looks down at her with a sigh.
“We’re what’s called Time Agents. We preserve time and make sure that major events aren’t altered with.”
“So what was that guy you were fighting?”
“That is a weevil. It’s a nasty alien that doesn’t really have much of a brain but tends to like to eat people.”
Her nose wrinkles. It’s sort of adorable. “That’s gross.”
He smirks. “Yeah, it is.” When they reach the kitchen, he places her up on the counter next to the sink, before glancing around at the cabinets. “Where are the glasses?”
She points to one of the cabinets, and he goes the fetch the glass before moving to the sink. “So you do this all the time? Chase aliens and stuff?”
He nods slowly, watching the line of the water as it rises. “Pretty much.”
She nods, kicking her legs back and forth for a moment, before looking over at him. “You’re gonna make me forget, aren’t you?”
He glances back over at her, surprised that she goes to that conclusion, but he nods. “That would be protocol.”
“Why?”
His head tips. “Don’t you want to forget? You’re life’s never going to be the same after this. You’re going to know things, that everyone else doesn’t.”
“So?” she shrugs. “It’s sorta cool. Like having a secret.”
“Like having a secret.” His eyes turn back to the glass of water in his hand. He’s talking to an eight year-old. He should know better. But at the same time … “Do you think you could keep it a secret?”
She perks up, sitting straight up on the counter and nodding her head eagerly. He isn’t sure why she’s so sure she wants to remember, but he can’t consciously take that away from her now. Even if she won’t remember that he’s doing it. It’s the principle of the thing. He pauses, before tipping the glass and dumping out the water. Her face lights up, and he turns back to her, holding up a finger.
“You can’t say a word to anyone, alright?” He seems Very Stern about this. “You mutter a word, and I have to come back to make you forget.”
“I won’t,” she says with a nod. “I promise.”
“Good,” he sighs. He glances back over his shoulder, checking to make sure that Dean isn’t around, before gesturing for her to climb into his arms. “Do you think you can pretend to be asleep?”
She nods and he scoops her up, before starting to carry her back to her room, head lolling against his shoulder. He puts her back into bed, he and Dean disappear, and Dean is none the wiser. He’s not sure why he did that for one special eight year-old girl, but he just-knows. Some people just aren’t meant to forget.
***
That isn’t the last time he sees Jo Harvelle. Somehow, some way, they always manage to keep slipping into the same parts of the time stream. It didn’t take long to figure out that Cas never actually retconned her the first time around. It is safe to say that Dean is less than pleased when the time comes, but Cas believes that it’s a necessary evil.
It’s worth it to see the smile on her face whenever their paths do cross. It makes him feel like somewhere, he actually did make an impact. More to the point, however, he has someone he actually feels loyal to, and that is a new feeling for him.
It’s a good feeling though. It’s a feeling he likes quite a bit.
***
Dean Winchester breaks one rule, and he receives a worse punishment than Cas ever could have imagined.
Granted he broke a pretty major rule, but the point stands. Dean takes a long, hazardous trip through the vortex of time and space, something that not many people survive, and Cas is out one of the best friends he’s ever had. And it sucks. He’s starting to remember why he never surrounded himself with people in the first place. Now, on top of that, there are questions as to whether or not he is involved, and he doesn’t want to deal with them. And when Cas wants to escape, he runs to the twenty first century.
This trip finds him in a bar in the middle of Boston, attempting to drink his weight in whiskey. He knows he won’t get very far, but he’s got a pretty high tolerance for a guy in this century. He could still get pretty damn far. He’s making love to a bottle of whiskey that would probably be better at this when it was a few years older, but it’s making due for right now. He’s been sending off clear ‘leave me alone’ signals, but every once in a while, a bartender will try to get between him and his bottle, and the look that comes up is dangerous and deadly. He’s personally surprised that they keep trying, but eventually, a thin set of pale arms land in front of him. He plans to tell them off before they can even start, but the sound of her voice cuts him off at the pass.
“Don’t even start that with me. You know better than that.”
He pauses for a moment, before looking up and letting his eyes meet hers. Big brown eyes. Big familiar brown eyes, and somehow just the thing he needs. He grins, slowly before giving her a bit of a wave.
“Hi.”
“Hey,” she says with a smile. “How about you stop drowning yourself in that whiskey and talk to me for a little bit instead?”
He considers for all of a minute. For some unknown reason, he really likes the sound of that. “I think I can work with that.”
“Good.”
2474 words