Everything Going Well
I almost never update this anymore, I feel kind of bad. LJ was this crutch for me for many years, but I'm using it less and less. And its not even that I don't need it, I always need an outlet to think about things that are bothering me or something.. Well, everything is going pretty well though. Summer is almost over, and I feel like it just began. We're in the middle of a major heat wave that's already killed a bunch of people, but its not too bad as long as you stay indoors. Hopefully it will break while we're in California and we won't have to deal with the end of it! Matt and I just got back from our third vacation of the summer: Lake Anna. Their family takes this annual trip with another family, and they do all kinds of boating activities: wakeboarding, water skiing, knee boarding, tubing etc etc. I didn't really grow up doing any of those things, so I'm not very experienced, and I felt kind of like a idiot part of the time but I had a lot of fun. Matt and I went kayaking and he found me a baby toad which was like 1/2 an inch long and I got to hold it, and I got bitten by a zillion mosquitoes etc etc. I really like the family that they go with, the Graffs. Its Sue and Jason, the parents and Nikki and Eric the kids, and they are our age. They are super nice. Nik and Eric are fun to hang out with, and I really like them. What else.. Felt kind of strange because its the first trip with us all together and Brian and Anna being married.. I'm still fighting some sort of weird jealousy/insecurity/mess with Anna. Jealous that she's married, insecure that she's better than me because she's married, insecure that she is perfect and therefore marriable. I have no idea. I'm a strange person. But everything she does I feel like she does it better than me. Which is ridiculous because she can't do science, thats just me. So there. I found something I'm better at. But I still fight this weird insecure thing. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, I'm insecure about EVERYTHING.
Which I guess brings me to my main dilemma lately. I really want to try to start enjoying my life. Not that I don't already, but I feel like me being insecure and stupid about certain things makes me enjoy myself less and I really want to change it. I wish I knew how to change it better, maybe I'll start doing affirmations in the morning. I think that I have to investigate why I'm like this, though Mom told me I've been insecure since I was really little. I wonder how little and when I started being insecure. Old habits die hard. But I really really want to try. I would try counseling again, but I feel like its kind of a waste: I already know my problems pretty well, and I know it just takes time. I want to get better for Matt, he's the one who suffers when I have attacks of insecurity, and I end up freaking out on him. He doesn't deserve that, he deserves nothing but the best from me. I'm trying to give it, but I need to get past this nonsense first I think..
Other than that, Jasper is happy and doing great, Matt is working this summer a lot at the vet clinic in NJ, I'm working a lot at work, when I'm not on vacation anyway, and we're going to California in 4 days! I'm a happy camper. Which reminds me I have to book a cab for Tuesday morning....
Which I guess brings me to my main dilemma lately. I really want to try to start enjoying my life. Not that I don't already, but I feel like me being insecure and stupid about certain things makes me enjoy myself less and I really want to change it. I wish I knew how to change it better, maybe I'll start doing affirmations in the morning. I think that I have to investigate why I'm like this, though Mom told me I've been insecure since I was really little. I wonder how little and when I started being insecure. Old habits die hard. But I really really want to try. I would try counseling again, but I feel like its kind of a waste: I already know my problems pretty well, and I know it just takes time. I want to get better for Matt, he's the one who suffers when I have attacks of insecurity, and I end up freaking out on him. He doesn't deserve that, he deserves nothing but the best from me. I'm trying to give it, but I need to get past this nonsense first I think..
Other than that, Jasper is happy and doing great, Matt is working this summer a lot at the vet clinic in NJ, I'm working a lot at work, when I'm not on vacation anyway, and we're going to California in 4 days! I'm a happy camper. Which reminds me I have to book a cab for Tuesday morning....