Honestly, WTF Is WRONG With Me..?
Lately it seems I've been having some serious and meaningless emotional crises. I don't know whats going on! I guess the only thing I can think of is that I am still adjusting to living in the city/moving in with Matt/settling down type things? Who knows. But lately I've been feeling more alone, less supported, and less people to talk to about my fears/worries/concerns. Matt is great, but he doesn't understand sometimes the way that I know others would understand what I'm saying. Particularly women. I need friends. Desperately. There is, literally, nobody in Philadelphia (women) who I talk to/see/hang out with on a regular basis without their significant others, and who I consider my real girlfriends. I don't have anyone. And I don't share everything I think with Matt, mostly because I don't think he'd really understand the half of it because its girl stuff. He is not too strong with understanding girl stuff, which is understandable. But the result is that lately I feel like I don't have very many people I can lean on, really. Its making me feel more unstable I think.
I also appear to be struggling with a strange, and undeserved, sense of entitlement. I'd say beginning when I was offered a 'meager' salary after I graduated with my MS. I felt that I was entitled to more after working so hard. I think I felt the same yesterday when I learned Matt's brother and girlfriend got engaged. They've been dating for a year less than us and they are 22, not even finished with college yet (May) and yet they got engaged? I feel strangely entitled to be engaged to Matt. An "I did my time" mentality. It seems that 1 day can't go by on facebook without SOMEONE getting engaged, married or having an adorable child. And here I am, in a relationship for 2.5 years with the man of my dreams, and I'm not even entitled to be engaged? What am I doing wrong? Where did this entitlement come from? A normal person would just be happy with BEING with the love of their life and not focus on what they DON'T have. But for me the glass is perpetually half empty. This is what I wish I could change.. and fear that I will never change.. about myself. Half empty. I guess that describes how I feel about most things. That's so SAD though. It shouldn't even be that way because hey guess what I'm SO lucky. I'm going to try to embrace that luck more.. beginning with today.. and just be happy.
I don't know why its so hard for me to just feel happy when I SHOULD be feeling happy all the time because I have a great life.. I just need to embrace my great life and stop worrying about keeping up with others or fitting into/living up to some sort of "chic" standard I hold myself to..
I think I need therapy.
Or friends.
I also appear to be struggling with a strange, and undeserved, sense of entitlement. I'd say beginning when I was offered a 'meager' salary after I graduated with my MS. I felt that I was entitled to more after working so hard. I think I felt the same yesterday when I learned Matt's brother and girlfriend got engaged. They've been dating for a year less than us and they are 22, not even finished with college yet (May) and yet they got engaged? I feel strangely entitled to be engaged to Matt. An "I did my time" mentality. It seems that 1 day can't go by on facebook without SOMEONE getting engaged, married or having an adorable child. And here I am, in a relationship for 2.5 years with the man of my dreams, and I'm not even entitled to be engaged? What am I doing wrong? Where did this entitlement come from? A normal person would just be happy with BEING with the love of their life and not focus on what they DON'T have. But for me the glass is perpetually half empty. This is what I wish I could change.. and fear that I will never change.. about myself. Half empty. I guess that describes how I feel about most things. That's so SAD though. It shouldn't even be that way because hey guess what I'm SO lucky. I'm going to try to embrace that luck more.. beginning with today.. and just be happy.
I don't know why its so hard for me to just feel happy when I SHOULD be feeling happy all the time because I have a great life.. I just need to embrace my great life and stop worrying about keeping up with others or fitting into/living up to some sort of "chic" standard I hold myself to..
I think I need therapy.
Or friends.