I hate cupid... little bastard
Charlie wants me to move to San Diego. The only reason I'm questioning going is my mom. And the fact that I feel that the only reason he thinks this is the best plan of action is it makes it easier on him. He'll get to have me with him AND still be able to be with his friends... no decisions, no sacrifices to be made. The thing is, I'm soooo close. I'm so close to graduating and getting out of my father's house legitimately. I don't want to give him one more damned thing to hold over my head for eternity and a day. Because he will. I can imagine Thanksgiving dinners where he's sitting there all grumpy like, "Everything would be just fine if Nicole hadn't run out on us... 20 years ago." Because he does stuff like that. And I feel like I shouldn't have to move out there just to fix things. Why is it me? Why am I the fixer? The doer? Why can't Charlie just see what it is I'm trying to suggest to him? I want him to be able to lead a more subtle life. Going out once in a while. A show here and there. The occasional (read: once in a blue moon) party. No drinking. No driving after said drinking if he decides to drink. No more missed calls because he decided at the last minute that going out with his friends is more important than talking to me. Because while that's most likely NOT what he consciously thinks when making these decisions, it's what he's showing me with his actions. I am expendable. I will always be here, where as the parties and shows and beers will not. But that's not the truth. Because I am weak. I will eventually break down and tell him that if his friends and beer and shows are that goddamned important, then I give up. And that will be the end of it. Because I can only take so much shit and so many empty apologies before I give up. And I internalize everything, so he will have no clue until the day that I stop taking his calls. I don't want that to happen, but I can't tell him what I need. Because I have always been made to feel as if I ask too much. As if I'm not worth what I want. Oh, and I'm not just being selfish, because in his contract with the... umm... GOVERNMENT, he promised he would not participate in illegal activities. This includes the fighting and underage drinking he's been getting into. I just don't see why I'm always left crying myself to sleep because of everyone else's decisions. You would think that after this long of giving up things and trying to keep my head above water, something would have to give, but instead, the walls keep closing in. I'm done. I will stop complaining, because no one is listening. Fuck it.