Free write

[sithbrach]

I cannot change the past
Others burdens are not mine
Scars are there to guide us through
by memory of what we were
and what we can now be.
Memories that we still have a fighting chance
that we can carry on
Scars are there to make us cry
so we can ease the pain
Scars are there as a badge
to show that we know pain.

Scars are there to let us know that we don't want anymore of them.

I don't know many things except what I know right now
which is what I will write on the next line

I don't know where I will be in 1 or 1000 days and thats okay
because I know where I am right now

And that will lead me to tomorrow

And this is not meant for you to read and criticize
nor to sound as if I have great wisdom
I care so much what you all think
and that is my true weakness

I want to erase every word for fear that you will think this sounds stupid
I want to hide and never come out because I am scared you'll see me cry

And I cry often because I never cried when things were bad.
I never let my feelings show in the moment

I forgot the day after what happened that night
I buried it deep inside with a fire of fear to protect it from ever being revealed to my self.

I forgot that it was there and it jumps out now and then to remind me

And I still have trouble crying.

I can't let anyone else see me.

And thats what scares me so deeply now

That all those times I gave myself to you it was impure and you were lying
I wasn't good and you didn't love me then or now.
That maybe you thought I was dumb and not a man for crying

THat maybe you only pitied me because you knew the truth that I had yet to learn

And all I know is what is now and where I am and what I'm doing
What I smell and what I see and what I think and hear.

I don't know you anymore,
I wonder if I ever did.
I need to know if I did....but I don't know how

I can't stop loving you and I feel hopeless to be hurt again.

THis love is real and I can't stop

Please be good to me, but only if you truly want to.
PLease leave me if you won't.