I'm Not Bragging, I'm Just Whining
I like looking forward to things. It gives my life, you know, purpose. Today, what I had to look forward to was this girl's birthday party. She's the daughter (and sister) of these people who live in my ecovillage.
Well, I figured out something strange, at this party. I was the wallflower, sitting on the sidelines, sporadically talking to people I knew, with intermittent uncomfortable silences between conversations. I've been known (at least in the United States) as the queen of not-small talk. I pick things up immediately, start talking about politics or religion or ethics or something else heavy and involving. But there, I was doing the small-talk thing, which I hate.
I realized that if people were observing me (for the sake of argument), they would have noticed that I'm the "introverted one." Fuck that. I'm not the introverted one. I'm the charming girl who's easy to talk to, about things great and small. I have guys laughing at my jokes and giving me flirtatious smiles, and girls talking to me about those guys (who are laughing at my jokes and giving me flirtatious smiles). I wasn't even interested in talking to any of the guys at that party! I'm so fucking lonely, but I can't even look for a guy? Or AT a guy?!
And then my friend showed up, and I was so relieved, but her presence did nothing to remedy the situation. I was just awkward around her, too. I've become the awkward girl! I haven't been the awkward girl since early high school!
I guess I still haven't become completely accustomed to life in New Zealand. I still don't feel like I belong, despite the fact that I now call myself a "Kiwi." I miss my friends back at home, especially Mary. Friends that I never feel awkward around, cause being awkward's just another part of the fun.
And I miss Antioch terribly. Is it healthy to miss something that no longer exists?
I suppose I should use this brooding opportunity to work on my schoolwork, since I've been procrastinating beyond belief. That's another thing I've been known as; the Queen of Procrastination. Maybe it's good that my social life isn't doing that well right now, so I can get down to working.
Bitter you'll be if you don't change your ways
When you hate you, you hate everyone that day
Unleash this scared child that you've grown into
You cannot run for you, can't hide from you.
Well, I figured out something strange, at this party. I was the wallflower, sitting on the sidelines, sporadically talking to people I knew, with intermittent uncomfortable silences between conversations. I've been known (at least in the United States) as the queen of not-small talk. I pick things up immediately, start talking about politics or religion or ethics or something else heavy and involving. But there, I was doing the small-talk thing, which I hate.
I realized that if people were observing me (for the sake of argument), they would have noticed that I'm the "introverted one." Fuck that. I'm not the introverted one. I'm the charming girl who's easy to talk to, about things great and small. I have guys laughing at my jokes and giving me flirtatious smiles, and girls talking to me about those guys (who are laughing at my jokes and giving me flirtatious smiles). I wasn't even interested in talking to any of the guys at that party! I'm so fucking lonely, but I can't even look for a guy? Or AT a guy?!
And then my friend showed up, and I was so relieved, but her presence did nothing to remedy the situation. I was just awkward around her, too. I've become the awkward girl! I haven't been the awkward girl since early high school!
I guess I still haven't become completely accustomed to life in New Zealand. I still don't feel like I belong, despite the fact that I now call myself a "Kiwi." I miss my friends back at home, especially Mary. Friends that I never feel awkward around, cause being awkward's just another part of the fun.
And I miss Antioch terribly. Is it healthy to miss something that no longer exists?
I suppose I should use this brooding opportunity to work on my schoolwork, since I've been procrastinating beyond belief. That's another thing I've been known as; the Queen of Procrastination. Maybe it's good that my social life isn't doing that well right now, so I can get down to working.
Bitter you'll be if you don't change your ways
When you hate you, you hate everyone that day
Unleash this scared child that you've grown into
You cannot run for you, can't hide from you.