(no subject)
For as long as I can remember I have been trying not to need. I had almost convinced myself that I was self-sufficient, that there were no holes in me, as if my insistence would make it so. But each time I have pushed away what I need I have only sucked a little more air out, so when finally punctured I create a vacuum of need that overwhelms me and takes control.
There is so much that I need, that I cannot do for myself, and I open my mouth to ask and the words die on my tongue. What if I am denied? What if I have not earned fulfillment? O God, You implore us "ask and it will be given to you!" and I reply No! I will not ask! You tell me if only I will look you will give me what I need, and still I will not seek.
You call out "Come to me! I will give you rest! My burden is light!" and I stand immovable. I will not come to You looking. You call me, like Peter, out of the boat, and like Peter I freeze, and will not believe, and start to sink. You say "just trust me" and I can't! I am so sorry for not trusting You, for not believing Your goodness.
O God, I'm here, and I'm asking as best as I can. Please fill the hole in me so that I can be free. I will admit these truths: I do need care. I do need tenderness. I need the peace that the world cannot give. I have ignored You in ways that mortals would not forgive. Years of habit have retarded my capacity to surrender but that is the only answer. I have spoken empty words and gone through motions in hope of salvation, but my salvation will be in finding the strength to give in to You.
There is so much that I need, that I cannot do for myself, and I open my mouth to ask and the words die on my tongue. What if I am denied? What if I have not earned fulfillment? O God, You implore us "ask and it will be given to you!" and I reply No! I will not ask! You tell me if only I will look you will give me what I need, and still I will not seek.
You call out "Come to me! I will give you rest! My burden is light!" and I stand immovable. I will not come to You looking. You call me, like Peter, out of the boat, and like Peter I freeze, and will not believe, and start to sink. You say "just trust me" and I can't! I am so sorry for not trusting You, for not believing Your goodness.
O God, I'm here, and I'm asking as best as I can. Please fill the hole in me so that I can be free. I will admit these truths: I do need care. I do need tenderness. I need the peace that the world cannot give. I have ignored You in ways that mortals would not forgive. Years of habit have retarded my capacity to surrender but that is the only answer. I have spoken empty words and gone through motions in hope of salvation, but my salvation will be in finding the strength to give in to You.