[Fiction] painful awakening
As the sun began to set, my eyes flickered open, brain not engaged. A millisecond later, my unconscious mind processed what my eyes had taken in and wakefulness returned like a lightening bolt. Blind panic coursed through my head, fear starting to tinge my vision red. I scrambled away, nearly falling from the bed. Across the room I almost flew.
The door. Opened. Closed again. I lent against it.
I forced myself to breathe slowly and calmly, moving my inactive lungs. Concentrating on the rhythm. The red faded slowly, my mind still reeling with panic, I could feel my hands shaking. It was him. Him lying there asleep next to me. I know he would not hurt me, I tried to persuade myself. He would never touch me if I didn't want him to.
I tried to remember what the doctor had said. I was a predator, Kindred. I was strong. Another voice piped up shrilly, the voice of my fear. Not as strong as he is, it said. It was right, I knew, but he was kind and gentle. He had touched me before without hurting me right? The memory made my hands shake; I gripped them together to stop it.
A couple more breaths. I should move, he would be waking soon. I open the door into my work room and sit on the bed. Predator. I was never a predator. God made me to do his work and I couldn't even control myself, let alone bring his message to the Damned. Tears started to fall down my cheeks lightly. Cold tears of blood dripped onto my top as I sat there, looking at my hands.
I shook my head. No. I would not sit here pitying myself. I wiped my face roughly with my sleeve. I reached down the end of the bed, taking out the black plastic case that lived there. I handled them deftly, taking out the clips from the guns I had inherited from my father years ago. I put them on the desk. He would probably come in here, I didn't want to threaten him.
I started to clean them, running my fingers over the first one, the other on the bed next to me. I hear the bedroom door open and fought back a fresh surge of panic. I would be normal. I could be normal for him. I could pretend, just for now. I looked up at him through the open door and smiled.
"Can I come in?"
The door. Opened. Closed again. I lent against it.
I forced myself to breathe slowly and calmly, moving my inactive lungs. Concentrating on the rhythm. The red faded slowly, my mind still reeling with panic, I could feel my hands shaking. It was him. Him lying there asleep next to me. I know he would not hurt me, I tried to persuade myself. He would never touch me if I didn't want him to.
I tried to remember what the doctor had said. I was a predator, Kindred. I was strong. Another voice piped up shrilly, the voice of my fear. Not as strong as he is, it said. It was right, I knew, but he was kind and gentle. He had touched me before without hurting me right? The memory made my hands shake; I gripped them together to stop it.
A couple more breaths. I should move, he would be waking soon. I open the door into my work room and sit on the bed. Predator. I was never a predator. God made me to do his work and I couldn't even control myself, let alone bring his message to the Damned. Tears started to fall down my cheeks lightly. Cold tears of blood dripped onto my top as I sat there, looking at my hands.
I shook my head. No. I would not sit here pitying myself. I wiped my face roughly with my sleeve. I reached down the end of the bed, taking out the black plastic case that lived there. I handled them deftly, taking out the clips from the guns I had inherited from my father years ago. I put them on the desk. He would probably come in here, I didn't want to threaten him.
I started to clean them, running my fingers over the first one, the other on the bed next to me. I hear the bedroom door open and fought back a fresh surge of panic. I would be normal. I could be normal for him. I could pretend, just for now. I looked up at him through the open door and smiled.
"Can I come in?"