How Can This Be Less Obvious?
How can I make this more subtle?
The newly single teen didn’t want to deal with her mother who had adored Lars or her father who would give meaningless advice right now. Brushing red curls and dabbing at ruined make-up, she knocked on the door that led to her brother in everything but blood.
Unfortunately, Jessica’s day of awkward revelations was not over in the least.
Her caramel-skinned, well-muscled, shaggy black-haired brother had his arms wrapped around Jessie Quint, and he was missing a few key items of clothing.
The girl massaged her temples and turned to leave.
Cain blinked his kind, black eyes with lashes too long and fine for a boy and noticed the interruption. Seeing Jessica’s tears, the nineteen-year-old part-time college student tossed his girlfriend of nine months her clothes.
“Talk to you later, Jessie,” the mixed-race young man said absent-mindedly, motioning his sister to enter the room. He gave her a one-armed hug. Cain examined Jessica’s clenched fists. A sigh escaped the boy’s lips as a much more potent desire for violence built within him. “Lars, is it?”
Jessie Q. blinked, trying to finger-comb her mussed auburn curls. “You can’t kick me out for your kid sister!”
Cain leveled his almost-lover with a harsh glare and a surprisingly mild shrug. “I kind of just did, Jessie. Unless you own the place, pet, you better leave. She matters more than your kind any day.”
“What do you mean by my kind?” screeched his likely-ex, but when there was no answer but Jessica stepping further into the in-law apartment, Jessie contented herself with slamming the door in both of their faces.
“Oh, God, I’m sorry,” said Jessica. Her breath hitched on sorry.
“She was a bimbo, and we both know it,” said Cain, rubbing her strong shoulders comfortingly. “What ended it?”
“He wanted me to sleep with him or it was over,” sighed Jessica, flopping down on her brother’s much more masculine sofa- a worn black leather loveseat. “I told it was over.”
“That’s my girl,” whispered Cain as he sat down next to Jessica. “Why do you feel like shit, then?” The young man had a way for getting haphazardly to the heart of the matter.
“I didn’t love him,” mused Jessica through her tears. “I tried very hard to love him. But I didn’t even like him. Sometimes I feel like I can’t love anybody. I’m not lovable, that’s for sure,” whispered the newly single girl sadly.
“Bullshit,” said Cain. “I love you. You’ll find better and love him. You’re a catch, Jess, especially now that you’re not wasting your time with him. Let’s call Erik for some baked goods and gourmet ice cream, yes?”
Jessica took a deep breath and then nodded her head vehemently. “You should go with Erik,” teased the girl. “He’s not a bimbo.”
Cain glared. “Not my type and you know it, Jess.”
Jessica rolled her eyes. “Why are you calling me Jess again?"
“It suits you better,” insisted Cain Nikita Flint stubbornly, brushing long bangs out of his eyes. It was impossible to tell, she mused, where he came from- he’d been shuffled from places since he was ten and had lost his real parents. Cain had stabilized at twelve when he’d met her parents, who were more role models and friends to him than actual figures. It was with her that he had really empathized and bonded. Jessica, as she had told him time and time again, rolled her eyes good-naturedly, not in the mood for another argument.
Cain reached for his minimal cord phone- for some reason, Cain eschewed cell phones; Erik picked up on the third ring.
Jessica heard her best friend clearly on speaker-phone. “Did your date not go well, girlfriend?” asked Erik Guy Vitranes in his deep, melodic tenor. It really was a loss to females everywhere that the boy was gay- not that Jessica had ever had the inclination personally. She’d saved him from bullies in the fourth grade, and Erik had proved worth the detention several thousand times over.
“He may or may not have a nice life,” said Jessica, wishing she could feel regret. “I kind of hope he doesn't."
“Stupid intern must die, even if he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him,” replied Erik immediately, because best friends say that at such times. “I’ll bring cake and Chicago’s finest gourmet ice cream straight away, love. Don’t cry another tear over that son of a bitch.”
Jessica nodded obediently. Erik would have said more flattering drivel, but her brother reminded the GSA president to get the ice cream, and her best friend all but ran out of his apartment to the grocery store. Jessica knew he’d be there in twenty minutes.
“Oh, Jess,” said Cain, fiddling with the messy ponytail of a girl who had never really been his sister. “You deserve so much better.”
“Mm, for now I’d really just like to relax, listen to music, and not move,” Jessica said, cuddling into Cain’s embrace.
“Anything you want,” said Cain, closing his eyes and wishing she knew.
I am as subtle as a rock, and that needs to change. This is a book based on the concept: "Lois Lane is doing all of Superman's work. Lois Lane gets dumped. Lois Lane becomes a better super-hero than Superman, without the lame costume or any powers whatsoever." I wanted Jessica's love interest to be very unexpected, so that ruled out making it her best friend. But this scene makes it too clear for the first one Cain appears, I think. So... advice greatly appreciated.
The newly single teen didn’t want to deal with her mother who had adored Lars or her father who would give meaningless advice right now. Brushing red curls and dabbing at ruined make-up, she knocked on the door that led to her brother in everything but blood.
Unfortunately, Jessica’s day of awkward revelations was not over in the least.
Her caramel-skinned, well-muscled, shaggy black-haired brother had his arms wrapped around Jessie Quint, and he was missing a few key items of clothing.
The girl massaged her temples and turned to leave.
Cain blinked his kind, black eyes with lashes too long and fine for a boy and noticed the interruption. Seeing Jessica’s tears, the nineteen-year-old part-time college student tossed his girlfriend of nine months her clothes.
“Talk to you later, Jessie,” the mixed-race young man said absent-mindedly, motioning his sister to enter the room. He gave her a one-armed hug. Cain examined Jessica’s clenched fists. A sigh escaped the boy’s lips as a much more potent desire for violence built within him. “Lars, is it?”
Jessie Q. blinked, trying to finger-comb her mussed auburn curls. “You can’t kick me out for your kid sister!”
Cain leveled his almost-lover with a harsh glare and a surprisingly mild shrug. “I kind of just did, Jessie. Unless you own the place, pet, you better leave. She matters more than your kind any day.”
“What do you mean by my kind?” screeched his likely-ex, but when there was no answer but Jessica stepping further into the in-law apartment, Jessie contented herself with slamming the door in both of their faces.
“Oh, God, I’m sorry,” said Jessica. Her breath hitched on sorry.
“She was a bimbo, and we both know it,” said Cain, rubbing her strong shoulders comfortingly. “What ended it?”
“He wanted me to sleep with him or it was over,” sighed Jessica, flopping down on her brother’s much more masculine sofa- a worn black leather loveseat. “I told it was over.”
“That’s my girl,” whispered Cain as he sat down next to Jessica. “Why do you feel like shit, then?” The young man had a way for getting haphazardly to the heart of the matter.
“I didn’t love him,” mused Jessica through her tears. “I tried very hard to love him. But I didn’t even like him. Sometimes I feel like I can’t love anybody. I’m not lovable, that’s for sure,” whispered the newly single girl sadly.
“Bullshit,” said Cain. “I love you. You’ll find better and love him. You’re a catch, Jess, especially now that you’re not wasting your time with him. Let’s call Erik for some baked goods and gourmet ice cream, yes?”
Jessica took a deep breath and then nodded her head vehemently. “You should go with Erik,” teased the girl. “He’s not a bimbo.”
Cain glared. “Not my type and you know it, Jess.”
Jessica rolled her eyes. “Why are you calling me Jess again?"
“It suits you better,” insisted Cain Nikita Flint stubbornly, brushing long bangs out of his eyes. It was impossible to tell, she mused, where he came from- he’d been shuffled from places since he was ten and had lost his real parents. Cain had stabilized at twelve when he’d met her parents, who were more role models and friends to him than actual figures. It was with her that he had really empathized and bonded. Jessica, as she had told him time and time again, rolled her eyes good-naturedly, not in the mood for another argument.
Cain reached for his minimal cord phone- for some reason, Cain eschewed cell phones; Erik picked up on the third ring.
Jessica heard her best friend clearly on speaker-phone. “Did your date not go well, girlfriend?” asked Erik Guy Vitranes in his deep, melodic tenor. It really was a loss to females everywhere that the boy was gay- not that Jessica had ever had the inclination personally. She’d saved him from bullies in the fourth grade, and Erik had proved worth the detention several thousand times over.
“He may or may not have a nice life,” said Jessica, wishing she could feel regret. “I kind of hope he doesn't."
“Stupid intern must die, even if he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him,” replied Erik immediately, because best friends say that at such times. “I’ll bring cake and Chicago’s finest gourmet ice cream straight away, love. Don’t cry another tear over that son of a bitch.”
Jessica nodded obediently. Erik would have said more flattering drivel, but her brother reminded the GSA president to get the ice cream, and her best friend all but ran out of his apartment to the grocery store. Jessica knew he’d be there in twenty minutes.
“Oh, Jess,” said Cain, fiddling with the messy ponytail of a girl who had never really been his sister. “You deserve so much better.”
“Mm, for now I’d really just like to relax, listen to music, and not move,” Jessica said, cuddling into Cain’s embrace.
“Anything you want,” said Cain, closing his eyes and wishing she knew.
I am as subtle as a rock, and that needs to change. This is a book based on the concept: "Lois Lane is doing all of Superman's work. Lois Lane gets dumped. Lois Lane becomes a better super-hero than Superman, without the lame costume or any powers whatsoever." I wanted Jessica's love interest to be very unexpected, so that ruled out making it her best friend. But this scene makes it too clear for the first one Cain appears, I think. So... advice greatly appreciated.