Rules For Assholes
Rules for Assholes
by Philo Drummond
1. Show everyone how smart you are by telling them you know what is best for them because of your unique enlightened perspective
2. Don't forget you are simply better than everyone else, so always try to remind them of it.
3. Redefine the point of every argument until you win.
4. Check your argument for logic flaws. If you find any be prepared to scream more shrilly at this point of your argument and blame any unarguable counterpoints on your predecessor. If you didn't have a predecessor simply target the patsy.
5. Always frame every conversation by how someone elses behavior keeps you from achieving your goals.
6. Always use terms like "you always" or "you never" when establishing blame.
7. Anyone who doesn't share your opinion is either stupid or ignorant or both. In the best of circumstances they are simply misinformed. Take this opportunity to belabor that point to them for a while.
8. People within earshot appreciate it when you remind them of your current mood every 20 to 30 minutes. You can't underestimate how important this information is to everyone else in order to help them plan their day.
9. Always try to save a few bucks by getting a free ride wherever you need to go. Most people were probably going that way eventually anyway. You've probably gave them some valuable advice sometime that they would've gladly paid you for anyway.
10. Don't let a conversation go by without becoming the object of it.
11. Always talk on your cell phone way too loud everyplace you go (particularly elevators and museums) because people really want to keep up with all of your important issues.
12. Assume that when people talk about you behind your back is because your greatness makes them jealous and feel inferior.
13. You are great! Don't deny the world the opportunity to learn from your greatness. They will love you for it.
14. In any interaction, make sure you have targeted the patsy so that everyone knows who to blame the bad stuff on.