What the heck is wrong with me?
A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.
I have finally figured it out! Finally! It took a lot of heartache and a deep interior depression that still remains but I have figured it out! What have I figured out? I have finally figured out what I have been doing wrong willingly and fully knowing that it was screwing up my relationship with God! What is it? I have been playing "God" with my life!
How have I been playing "God" with my life? Well, for one, I have been making decisions influenced by something that I cannot even be sure of ... and that is: what I want. I need to realize that I do not know what I want. Who really does? Who really knows what they truly want? Sure, we may know what will make us happily in the temporal passing sense but what will make us truly happy? What makes a person truly happy? It isn't the pursuit of worldly glory, pleasure, or people. True happiness is found in ultimate unification with God by means of doing His will no matter what the cost. It's that last part that scares me ... and it should not.
I have been thinking that I know better. That I can choose what I want to do. I have been running away from Him and yet He has never left me. Sure, I may be going through this period of spiritual dryness but God has not done this to me. I have done this to myself. He made me realize this this weekend when for a brief moment, I felt peace and serenity permeate my being. Then the feeling left because though I may not have wanted to admit it, my heart was closed.
But now, I am slowly beginning to reopen it again. I am doffing that which has been causing me so much heartache and pain namely my rash judgements and idiotic assumptions and I am going to throw myself headlong into the arms of my heavenly Mother. I know she has been waiting for me because when I talked to her last night and poured my heart out to her, I felt that motherly peace that only she can give.
I am leaving everything in the hands of Mary as I should have in the beginning. I am leaving my discernment and spirituality, my academic career, every aspect of my being that I previously thought I had given to Mary but really just put on the guise of giving it to her while in reality I was just hording it to myself and therefore messing it up big time as I have done. I am especially giving her my friendships because I seem to be really screwing those up recently. I hope that she can salvage those because there are few things of this world more valuable than friendships.
I also discovered my own way of letting off frustration. Some of my friends are poetic, others musical, others artistic. I am spiritual. That is: usually, when things get tough, I pray. Therefore, to that end, instead of moping about feeling sorry for myself when really I have been the source of my own sorrow and pain, I am going write prayers from the heart.
Why prayers? Because prayer is the direct line we have to God that is never disconnected like a bad LAN or in need of constant charging like a cell phone. All that is needed for prayer to work is a heart and soul open to the workings of Spirit and of course hope that God hears our prayer which He always does.
So, you may be seeing some of my heart-written prayers on here in the future. To me, it is a way of letting my heart say that which it cannot verbally express. Not that my writing abilities are any better but the only Person Who really needs to understand them is God and He's omniscient so I think I have that covered there.
I also figured out why my heart has been so heavy of late. I have no one to talk to about spiritual matters up here like I do when I am home. I don't like bugging Monsignor all the time and to lay any more stuff on my friends just seems selfish to me so I have been keeping it all to myself waiting in anxious anticipation for the next time I will see Monsignor because he is my spiritual father above all other things.
One last thing, I want to apologize to all my friends for all the crap I have been pulling lately. This so-called "crap" is really my petty way of projecting externally that which has been disturbing me on the inside namely the unsurety pertaining my discernment, my interior loneliness and self-imposed spiritual dryness. I have noted that when I get very lonely on the interior, I tend to be overbearing in my interpersonal relationships which is something I never mean to be. But if I ever upset you in anyway by my actions, please tell me so that I can amend things for the future. Why am I bringing this up? Long story. I only hope that one (those involved know about what I am talking) particular friendship can be saved because I think I could never forgive myself if it were to end like this.
All right, it's ten o'clock and I still need to print out my Humanities paper and get ready for bed. I have been very tired of late and need to get more sleep than I have been getting. I also need to pray my Office of Readings before I move into my usual night routine. I am so anxious to be back at SJA for a whole week! I miss feeling at home and at peace with life which seems to always happen when I am there. Morning Mass will be a welcome change of pace. Too bad it's only for a week and then back to the drudgery for eight more weeks. Ugh.
Pray for me and know that I am praying for you!
Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie
Location: Saint Aloysius' Retreat in the Pantsuit Nunnery
Music: EWTN streaming on the Interwebz
Mood: Emotionally and physically drained, Spiritually dry, and overall just plain unsure with a hint of "God help me."
J.M.J.
I have finally figured it out! Finally! It took a lot of heartache and a deep interior depression that still remains but I have figured it out! What have I figured out? I have finally figured out what I have been doing wrong willingly and fully knowing that it was screwing up my relationship with God! What is it? I have been playing "God" with my life!
How have I been playing "God" with my life? Well, for one, I have been making decisions influenced by something that I cannot even be sure of ... and that is: what I want. I need to realize that I do not know what I want. Who really does? Who really knows what they truly want? Sure, we may know what will make us happily in the temporal passing sense but what will make us truly happy? What makes a person truly happy? It isn't the pursuit of worldly glory, pleasure, or people. True happiness is found in ultimate unification with God by means of doing His will no matter what the cost. It's that last part that scares me ... and it should not.
I have been thinking that I know better. That I can choose what I want to do. I have been running away from Him and yet He has never left me. Sure, I may be going through this period of spiritual dryness but God has not done this to me. I have done this to myself. He made me realize this this weekend when for a brief moment, I felt peace and serenity permeate my being. Then the feeling left because though I may not have wanted to admit it, my heart was closed.
But now, I am slowly beginning to reopen it again. I am doffing that which has been causing me so much heartache and pain namely my rash judgements and idiotic assumptions and I am going to throw myself headlong into the arms of my heavenly Mother. I know she has been waiting for me because when I talked to her last night and poured my heart out to her, I felt that motherly peace that only she can give.
I am leaving everything in the hands of Mary as I should have in the beginning. I am leaving my discernment and spirituality, my academic career, every aspect of my being that I previously thought I had given to Mary but really just put on the guise of giving it to her while in reality I was just hording it to myself and therefore messing it up big time as I have done. I am especially giving her my friendships because I seem to be really screwing those up recently. I hope that she can salvage those because there are few things of this world more valuable than friendships.
I also discovered my own way of letting off frustration. Some of my friends are poetic, others musical, others artistic. I am spiritual. That is: usually, when things get tough, I pray. Therefore, to that end, instead of moping about feeling sorry for myself when really I have been the source of my own sorrow and pain, I am going write prayers from the heart.
Why prayers? Because prayer is the direct line we have to God that is never disconnected like a bad LAN or in need of constant charging like a cell phone. All that is needed for prayer to work is a heart and soul open to the workings of Spirit and of course hope that God hears our prayer which He always does.
So, you may be seeing some of my heart-written prayers on here in the future. To me, it is a way of letting my heart say that which it cannot verbally express. Not that my writing abilities are any better but the only Person Who really needs to understand them is God and He's omniscient so I think I have that covered there.
I also figured out why my heart has been so heavy of late. I have no one to talk to about spiritual matters up here like I do when I am home. I don't like bugging Monsignor all the time and to lay any more stuff on my friends just seems selfish to me so I have been keeping it all to myself waiting in anxious anticipation for the next time I will see Monsignor because he is my spiritual father above all other things.
One last thing, I want to apologize to all my friends for all the crap I have been pulling lately. This so-called "crap" is really my petty way of projecting externally that which has been disturbing me on the inside namely the unsurety pertaining my discernment, my interior loneliness and self-imposed spiritual dryness. I have noted that when I get very lonely on the interior, I tend to be overbearing in my interpersonal relationships which is something I never mean to be. But if I ever upset you in anyway by my actions, please tell me so that I can amend things for the future. Why am I bringing this up? Long story. I only hope that one (those involved know about what I am talking) particular friendship can be saved because I think I could never forgive myself if it were to end like this.
All right, it's ten o'clock and I still need to print out my Humanities paper and get ready for bed. I have been very tired of late and need to get more sleep than I have been getting. I also need to pray my Office of Readings before I move into my usual night routine. I am so anxious to be back at SJA for a whole week! I miss feeling at home and at peace with life which seems to always happen when I am there. Morning Mass will be a welcome change of pace. Too bad it's only for a week and then back to the drudgery for eight more weeks. Ugh.
Pray for me and know that I am praying for you!
Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie
Location: Saint Aloysius' Retreat in the Pantsuit Nunnery
Music: EWTN streaming on the Interwebz
Mood: Emotionally and physically drained, Spiritually dry, and overall just plain unsure with a hint of "God help me."