Discernment Update for those who care ...
A.M.D.G.
J.M.J.
Well, I decided that I should update y'all on my vocation discernment and how that's going. I know, you all were just itching to hear about what this crazy lady was up to. This will probably just end up being me writing what is on my mind about this topic ... nothing really in particular but ... meh.
I am still trying to figure out what God was trying to tell me at my November retreat but something is telling me that that got corrupted by what occurred shortly thereafter (if you don't know, check out my note from about early December-ish). What does that mean? Yours truly is back at square one and experiencing that spiritual dryness that comes from variety of sources ... most of which are self-inflicted by my own pride and stupidity (for lack of a better term).
Now before some AQ people start breathing down my neck about how I need to get more involved with stuff around campus and that it will help, you need to keep in mind that in things spiritual, I can be 1.) very traditional (which may upset some more progressive peeps) and 2.) very private about what I do. Therefore, I tend to keep my spiritual practices to myself and practice them on my own (I know, I need to participate with the church community but that's what I call "Mass"). I like communal prayer, I just have a special affinity for private prayer.
I used to pray in the chapel at Aquinata but I can't anymore, that place scares me. Don't think I am crazy. I am dead serious when I say that when I would be in there praying Vespers and Compline, I would feel a very ominous presence surrounding me in a way that I have not experienced since some friends and I went to Fulton Street cemetery one night in an act of youthful rashness. I seriously think that there is a malign, if not demonic (degree to which I know not), presence in the chapel. I felt it physically touching me and pulling on me as I was trying to pray mentally. In order to keep myself focused on the Office, I had to recite it aloud and pray what parts I knew in Latin (that forces me to really think about what I am saying). It wouldn't relent until I began to sing the Salve at the end of Compline. The cool thing that happened then was that I felt the air moving around me like people were walking by me. Either those were more benign (angelic) presences or Mother Mary was taking care of me or both. Yayz for Mother Mary!!! : D
But I still refuse to go in there anymore at night especially. The last time I was in there during the day, I felt an very angry presence in the confessional which I found kinda weird. At night, all you need to do is walk by the door so they open automatically and look for a moment into the darkness to suddenly feel eyes staring through you and not with any kind of love ... more like pure hate and malice. I swear, I am not crazy. I don't joke about this stuff. After that experience, things would begin to happen in my room so I finally got my holy oils and water and blessed the walls and doors of my room and nothing has happened since. Thank God.
But anyway, back to discernment and my spiritual journey and such ...
I have to say that whenever I am up at school, I go through a veritable period of spiritual dryness that is only sated by my attending Mass on Sunday and receiving my Lord in Holy Communion. And then, when I am at church, I never want to leave. Ever. Why would I want to leave something that causes me such a happiness and peace that I know I will not experience anywhere else? It makes that little piece of paper I will get next May and all others following thereafter of little consequence in the eternal scheme of things but I need to finish my schooling which will probably include at least one Masters. Deus providebit.
There is not one day when I wish I could just be at Saint Joan, in my pew, making a night vigil or twenty ... cubed. Just me, the Lord, and the darkness. The only light being that little red flickering lamp in the sanctuary and the moonlight glistening off the mosaic of the reredos. I tell you, there are times when I sit in church at SJA and enojoy the serene silence. I try to clear my mind of everything and just "be." There are times when I want to be at the border between nave and sanctuary (we don't have a communion rail any more but luckily the layout of the church clearly delineates where one part begins and the other ends) and lie prostrate and just stay there until He tells me to get up. Offering myself totally to Him in all possible humility and allowing Him to touch my heart and soul in the most intimate way that only He can do. Something tells me that if I do that, and just let it be ... something will happen. I don't know what it is ... but I have a feeling.
I can't tell you how anxious I am for the adoration chapel to open at SJA. One thing that my Sisters of Mary retreats have taught me is that Adoration is the shiz!!!! Most def. Most def. I even have a fob that will let me go in whenever I want!!! Yayz!!!!
When I am sitting in church, and being with the Lord, I could be there forever. To just let the Lord speak to my heart and let Him form me as He wants me. But no, I have to be stupid. I have to think that I know better. I have to think that I know what will truly make me happy. PAH! Let's see, over the past two or so years I have changed my definition of that which will make me happy how many times!?!? Probably about thrice at the very least. The very least. First, I am going to be a sister and that's it! I'm going to marry the Lord and everything will fall into place like that! Then ... I am going to marry this guy and then everything will fall into place! Then ... shit ... what the hell do I do now?
*Disclaimer: When I discuss what is going on with me, I have a tendency to have my filter turned off to a degree that allows me to vent and to convey that which is going on in my heart. That being said, I will say things like "hell," "shit," "suck," etc. That's just how I roll. I don't sugar coat to sound pious or holy or any of that stuff. You all are getting me as I am, with all my manifold flaws and foibles. It's called being human and as such, fallen. Get used to it. If you really want to know details, feel free to ask me, I shall tell you as much as I can.*
Some of you know about what has been happening recently, the details of which I will keep to a minimum because they are so fresh and some don't need to know every bloody detail about me and my personal life. Those who need to know, know. If you are a friend of mine from Regina or something and wish to know, ask me and I shall tell you the basics with detail to an extent. I have what I like to call the "seal of the confessional" with some of my more personal conversations/relationships the details of which I prefer to maintain the utmost confidentiality. I hope you shall respect that. Mille grazie.
Anyway, I know what is keeping me in the way of discerning and doing what God wants me to do ... me. Me and my stupid petty temporal fears. Damn them. Those damn things are keeping me from true happiness!!! But I don't know how to get rid of them!!! They plague me!!! Constantly!!!
Before I was in a relationship, I didn't know what it was like to be with someone exclusively, to belong to someone, to have that special bond that comes with a relationship like Dom and I had. I thought nothing of giving up the prospect of having a husband and children because that had never really been in the picture. I was "Sister" Allie and that was it. Me? Get married? Me? Have a boyfriend? What's the use? I'm going to become a sister. Ha!
Then it happened, God proved me wrong. I had that relationship which we thought would end in marriage but it didn't. I just kinda ended in one way or another. The details of which I shall spare you all.
Now what? I had "tasted" the fruit of the experience that is being in a relationship. I had been with someone exclusively. I had bonded with him as far as our state in life allowed. And now that was gone. Gone. Shit.
Well, I went through my expected period of loneliness and "I am going to die a spinster" mania ... which, to be honest, is quite funny to look back at now. But I am just a funny person you know? *does quirky nervous tick*
But now, for all intents and purposes, I am back at the beginning. But now, with a kind of "baggage" I did not have before. When I was "Sister" Allie before, I had never known what it was like to be held in the arms of the guy I loved, to spend time with that same person, to talk to him all the time, to share things in confidence, to have created that special bond with another person. Now my heart is divided and it really shouldn't.
Right now, I am open to both vocations. In fact, I just talked to a Felician sister on Monday afternoon, just talking to her about the order and the life and such ... "nun stuff," if you will. I found it to be a very nice conversation and I learned a lot about the Felicians that I did not previously know. If I am so called to the religious life, that is most definitely an order into which I shall look. They are faithful, Eucharistic, Marian, and they have an openness to different apostolates that I love!!!
I would become a Sister of Mary if God so will it but I don't think elementary and secondary education is where I will end up. I think I shall be in either post-secondary/seminary education or pastoral ministry in a parochial setting. All I know for sure is that I want to dedicate my life to priests. Serving them in anyway I can. Heck, I would be a "nun-servant" if that is what I am to do. That would totally irk the feminists but I don't care (since when have I cared?). I need to go outside myself and my own needs for once.
But there is one thing that kinda scares me about religious life. "Scares" is too strong a word but I shall use it because I can think of no other word at the moment. I am afraid of loneliness. I know, I know, I will have my community to keep my company but I won't have that special relationship that I would have in marriage. I won't have the handsome Catholic husband and the cute Catholic kids. I won't have the home in a nice neighborhood and all the stuff that comes with married life (including all the not so bright aspects ... I want those too ... no sugar-coated stuff for me).
I'm sorry but, at least right now, I can't really see how the relationship between a husband and wife is the same as the one between Christ and a sister as clearly as I should. I know, it really is, but I think I am going to miss the whole idea of falling asleep next to my husband every night and waking up next to him every morning ... you know, that whole thing. That kinda scares me. I'll be alone. For the rest of my life. God help me and all my worthless fears that keep me from doing His will.
I really wish I could express this the way I want to but it is very hard to put down in text what the heart feels, so bear with me, please. I will clarify if you wish, let me know and I shall be happy to do so.
I think what I need right now is prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. I mean, lots of it. I mean, if I weren't on the other side of the bloody state in this spiritual desolation I would be going to Mass every morning again! God, I miss that! I miss serving Mass and being close to Him. I miss that intimacy I got when assisting at Mass. I miss hearing the music ... especially the chants. Good Lord, I really miss those. I miss praying and feeling something. I miss being able to go to church whenever I want and feeling like I belong. I miss talking to Monsignor about my discernment and him giving me advice. I miss all that and much much more because from that, I derived so much happiness and joy.
I need to pray. I need to humiliate myself. I need to offer myself to Christ through Mary. I need to do away with my wants and my desires and entreat God to grant me the grace to unite my will to His, no matter what the cost. I need to cast all fears and doubts aside and give them to God for He wants all of us ... joys and fears. I need to take my cross squarely on my shoulders and embrace it. When people get their cross, they have a tendency to drag it in the dust and dirt and just resign themselves to it as if it were something that did not end in ultimate happiness. We need to embrace our cross and carry it with all our being. I need to seek that true happiness that can come only from doing the will of God no matter what my earthly ambitions may be.
I want to be one with God. I want to be a better Catholic. I want to be a true daughter of Mary. I want to be more virtuous. I want to forgive myself for all the stupid things that I have done for which God has already forgiven me but I, in my stupid pride, have not forgiven myself. I want to strive for perfection. I want to unite my will with God's. I want to not just accept my cross but I want to embrace it wholeheartedly. I want to go through all the sufferings that God may want me to endure, provided He will (and He always does) grant me the grace of fortitude to fight the good fight. I want to lead others to Christ through my life/work in this world. I want a holy indifference to the will of God. I want to doff my selfish ambitions. I want to attain that true happiness that only God can give in the vocation to which He has called me. I want that thing with all my heart and it is only by the grace of God that I shall do that.
The moral of this whole spiel: It is only by the Providence of God that we can do anything and we need to be open to the stirrings of the Spirit in our hearts and lives and ask for the grace to follow them no matter how unsure we may be. We all are called to duc in altum! Put out into the deep!
So, with all that said, I shall earnestly entreat your prayers for me and my discernment. Know that you are all in my prayers (it's the least I can do, you put up with my insanity and such) and I love you all!
But now, I need to go to bed, class in a few hours and I need my beauty sleep ... busy weekend ahead.
Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie
PS
There is a lot more I could write but this note is long enough and it is getting late and my hands are tired. I shall write more when I get the chance. Thanks for reading!
Location: Saint Aloysius' Retreat at the Nunnery
Music: Alicia Keys
J.M.J.
Well, I decided that I should update y'all on my vocation discernment and how that's going. I know, you all were just itching to hear about what this crazy lady was up to. This will probably just end up being me writing what is on my mind about this topic ... nothing really in particular but ... meh.
I am still trying to figure out what God was trying to tell me at my November retreat but something is telling me that that got corrupted by what occurred shortly thereafter (if you don't know, check out my note from about early December-ish). What does that mean? Yours truly is back at square one and experiencing that spiritual dryness that comes from variety of sources ... most of which are self-inflicted by my own pride and stupidity (for lack of a better term).
Now before some AQ people start breathing down my neck about how I need to get more involved with stuff around campus and that it will help, you need to keep in mind that in things spiritual, I can be 1.) very traditional (which may upset some more progressive peeps) and 2.) very private about what I do. Therefore, I tend to keep my spiritual practices to myself and practice them on my own (I know, I need to participate with the church community but that's what I call "Mass"). I like communal prayer, I just have a special affinity for private prayer.
I used to pray in the chapel at Aquinata but I can't anymore, that place scares me. Don't think I am crazy. I am dead serious when I say that when I would be in there praying Vespers and Compline, I would feel a very ominous presence surrounding me in a way that I have not experienced since some friends and I went to Fulton Street cemetery one night in an act of youthful rashness. I seriously think that there is a malign, if not demonic (degree to which I know not), presence in the chapel. I felt it physically touching me and pulling on me as I was trying to pray mentally. In order to keep myself focused on the Office, I had to recite it aloud and pray what parts I knew in Latin (that forces me to really think about what I am saying). It wouldn't relent until I began to sing the Salve at the end of Compline. The cool thing that happened then was that I felt the air moving around me like people were walking by me. Either those were more benign (angelic) presences or Mother Mary was taking care of me or both. Yayz for Mother Mary!!! : D
But I still refuse to go in there anymore at night especially. The last time I was in there during the day, I felt an very angry presence in the confessional which I found kinda weird. At night, all you need to do is walk by the door so they open automatically and look for a moment into the darkness to suddenly feel eyes staring through you and not with any kind of love ... more like pure hate and malice. I swear, I am not crazy. I don't joke about this stuff. After that experience, things would begin to happen in my room so I finally got my holy oils and water and blessed the walls and doors of my room and nothing has happened since. Thank God.
But anyway, back to discernment and my spiritual journey and such ...
I have to say that whenever I am up at school, I go through a veritable period of spiritual dryness that is only sated by my attending Mass on Sunday and receiving my Lord in Holy Communion. And then, when I am at church, I never want to leave. Ever. Why would I want to leave something that causes me such a happiness and peace that I know I will not experience anywhere else? It makes that little piece of paper I will get next May and all others following thereafter of little consequence in the eternal scheme of things but I need to finish my schooling which will probably include at least one Masters. Deus providebit.
There is not one day when I wish I could just be at Saint Joan, in my pew, making a night vigil or twenty ... cubed. Just me, the Lord, and the darkness. The only light being that little red flickering lamp in the sanctuary and the moonlight glistening off the mosaic of the reredos. I tell you, there are times when I sit in church at SJA and enojoy the serene silence. I try to clear my mind of everything and just "be." There are times when I want to be at the border between nave and sanctuary (we don't have a communion rail any more but luckily the layout of the church clearly delineates where one part begins and the other ends) and lie prostrate and just stay there until He tells me to get up. Offering myself totally to Him in all possible humility and allowing Him to touch my heart and soul in the most intimate way that only He can do. Something tells me that if I do that, and just let it be ... something will happen. I don't know what it is ... but I have a feeling.
I can't tell you how anxious I am for the adoration chapel to open at SJA. One thing that my Sisters of Mary retreats have taught me is that Adoration is the shiz!!!! Most def. Most def. I even have a fob that will let me go in whenever I want!!! Yayz!!!!
When I am sitting in church, and being with the Lord, I could be there forever. To just let the Lord speak to my heart and let Him form me as He wants me. But no, I have to be stupid. I have to think that I know better. I have to think that I know what will truly make me happy. PAH! Let's see, over the past two or so years I have changed my definition of that which will make me happy how many times!?!? Probably about thrice at the very least. The very least. First, I am going to be a sister and that's it! I'm going to marry the Lord and everything will fall into place like that! Then ... I am going to marry this guy and then everything will fall into place! Then ... shit ... what the hell do I do now?
*Disclaimer: When I discuss what is going on with me, I have a tendency to have my filter turned off to a degree that allows me to vent and to convey that which is going on in my heart. That being said, I will say things like "hell," "shit," "suck," etc. That's just how I roll. I don't sugar coat to sound pious or holy or any of that stuff. You all are getting me as I am, with all my manifold flaws and foibles. It's called being human and as such, fallen. Get used to it. If you really want to know details, feel free to ask me, I shall tell you as much as I can.*
Some of you know about what has been happening recently, the details of which I will keep to a minimum because they are so fresh and some don't need to know every bloody detail about me and my personal life. Those who need to know, know. If you are a friend of mine from Regina or something and wish to know, ask me and I shall tell you the basics with detail to an extent. I have what I like to call the "seal of the confessional" with some of my more personal conversations/relationships the details of which I prefer to maintain the utmost confidentiality. I hope you shall respect that. Mille grazie.
Anyway, I know what is keeping me in the way of discerning and doing what God wants me to do ... me. Me and my stupid petty temporal fears. Damn them. Those damn things are keeping me from true happiness!!! But I don't know how to get rid of them!!! They plague me!!! Constantly!!!
Before I was in a relationship, I didn't know what it was like to be with someone exclusively, to belong to someone, to have that special bond that comes with a relationship like Dom and I had. I thought nothing of giving up the prospect of having a husband and children because that had never really been in the picture. I was "Sister" Allie and that was it. Me? Get married? Me? Have a boyfriend? What's the use? I'm going to become a sister. Ha!
Then it happened, God proved me wrong. I had that relationship which we thought would end in marriage but it didn't. I just kinda ended in one way or another. The details of which I shall spare you all.
Now what? I had "tasted" the fruit of the experience that is being in a relationship. I had been with someone exclusively. I had bonded with him as far as our state in life allowed. And now that was gone. Gone. Shit.
Well, I went through my expected period of loneliness and "I am going to die a spinster" mania ... which, to be honest, is quite funny to look back at now. But I am just a funny person you know? *does quirky nervous tick*
But now, for all intents and purposes, I am back at the beginning. But now, with a kind of "baggage" I did not have before. When I was "Sister" Allie before, I had never known what it was like to be held in the arms of the guy I loved, to spend time with that same person, to talk to him all the time, to share things in confidence, to have created that special bond with another person. Now my heart is divided and it really shouldn't.
Right now, I am open to both vocations. In fact, I just talked to a Felician sister on Monday afternoon, just talking to her about the order and the life and such ... "nun stuff," if you will. I found it to be a very nice conversation and I learned a lot about the Felicians that I did not previously know. If I am so called to the religious life, that is most definitely an order into which I shall look. They are faithful, Eucharistic, Marian, and they have an openness to different apostolates that I love!!!
I would become a Sister of Mary if God so will it but I don't think elementary and secondary education is where I will end up. I think I shall be in either post-secondary/seminary education or pastoral ministry in a parochial setting. All I know for sure is that I want to dedicate my life to priests. Serving them in anyway I can. Heck, I would be a "nun-servant" if that is what I am to do. That would totally irk the feminists but I don't care (since when have I cared?). I need to go outside myself and my own needs for once.
But there is one thing that kinda scares me about religious life. "Scares" is too strong a word but I shall use it because I can think of no other word at the moment. I am afraid of loneliness. I know, I know, I will have my community to keep my company but I won't have that special relationship that I would have in marriage. I won't have the handsome Catholic husband and the cute Catholic kids. I won't have the home in a nice neighborhood and all the stuff that comes with married life (including all the not so bright aspects ... I want those too ... no sugar-coated stuff for me).
I'm sorry but, at least right now, I can't really see how the relationship between a husband and wife is the same as the one between Christ and a sister as clearly as I should. I know, it really is, but I think I am going to miss the whole idea of falling asleep next to my husband every night and waking up next to him every morning ... you know, that whole thing. That kinda scares me. I'll be alone. For the rest of my life. God help me and all my worthless fears that keep me from doing His will.
I really wish I could express this the way I want to but it is very hard to put down in text what the heart feels, so bear with me, please. I will clarify if you wish, let me know and I shall be happy to do so.
I think what I need right now is prayer. Lots and lots of prayer. I mean, lots of it. I mean, if I weren't on the other side of the bloody state in this spiritual desolation I would be going to Mass every morning again! God, I miss that! I miss serving Mass and being close to Him. I miss that intimacy I got when assisting at Mass. I miss hearing the music ... especially the chants. Good Lord, I really miss those. I miss praying and feeling something. I miss being able to go to church whenever I want and feeling like I belong. I miss talking to Monsignor about my discernment and him giving me advice. I miss all that and much much more because from that, I derived so much happiness and joy.
I need to pray. I need to humiliate myself. I need to offer myself to Christ through Mary. I need to do away with my wants and my desires and entreat God to grant me the grace to unite my will to His, no matter what the cost. I need to cast all fears and doubts aside and give them to God for He wants all of us ... joys and fears. I need to take my cross squarely on my shoulders and embrace it. When people get their cross, they have a tendency to drag it in the dust and dirt and just resign themselves to it as if it were something that did not end in ultimate happiness. We need to embrace our cross and carry it with all our being. I need to seek that true happiness that can come only from doing the will of God no matter what my earthly ambitions may be.
I want to be one with God. I want to be a better Catholic. I want to be a true daughter of Mary. I want to be more virtuous. I want to forgive myself for all the stupid things that I have done for which God has already forgiven me but I, in my stupid pride, have not forgiven myself. I want to strive for perfection. I want to unite my will with God's. I want to not just accept my cross but I want to embrace it wholeheartedly. I want to go through all the sufferings that God may want me to endure, provided He will (and He always does) grant me the grace of fortitude to fight the good fight. I want to lead others to Christ through my life/work in this world. I want a holy indifference to the will of God. I want to doff my selfish ambitions. I want to attain that true happiness that only God can give in the vocation to which He has called me. I want that thing with all my heart and it is only by the grace of God that I shall do that.
The moral of this whole spiel: It is only by the Providence of God that we can do anything and we need to be open to the stirrings of the Spirit in our hearts and lives and ask for the grace to follow them no matter how unsure we may be. We all are called to duc in altum! Put out into the deep!
So, with all that said, I shall earnestly entreat your prayers for me and my discernment. Know that you are all in my prayers (it's the least I can do, you put up with my insanity and such) and I love you all!
But now, I need to go to bed, class in a few hours and I need my beauty sleep ... busy weekend ahead.
Dio ti benedica e Maria ti protegge per sempre!
-Allie
PS
There is a lot more I could write but this note is long enough and it is getting late and my hands are tired. I shall write more when I get the chance. Thanks for reading!
Location: Saint Aloysius' Retreat at the Nunnery
Music: Alicia Keys