So much, so little. So simple, so complicated.
I don't even know where to start. Well first of all, my computer is dead, hence no updating. Am in library, suppose to be in class, I'll get to my reasons later.
My weekend was unbelievable. Dan coming (wink to those who know what I mean) was... Wow. He's incredible, and I'm so different for knowing him. I'm not entirely sure why, but he just makes me... Better. Happier, for sure. I guess me being happy would make me better, maybe that's what it is. In any case, I've been changed. The old me is gone, she'll never be back. He has a part of me now. Just... WOW.
Why am I not in school? I'm fucked that's why. I feel so stupid, like how could I let this all snowball and get out of control? I always do this! You would think I'd have learned by now, but no. I have 2 major projects due on Wednesday, and I had one due Friday which didn't get done, and one due today which I did, but I had to present, but that I didn't do... Because I didn't go to school this morning. I feel like I can't go back there, eventhough I can. And I feel like this is completely out of my control, when I know I could easily control it. I don't know why I'm the only one I know who does this! It frustrates me, and yet I feel helpless. I feel like I couldn't change it even if I tried, which isn't true, I probably could, but for some reason I just don't have to will to do it. And why is it that I can't go to school some mornings? Everyone else I know just gets up, gets ready, and goes. Me? I gradually get up, make myself late (either purposely or unintentionally), and end up not going. I wasn't like this when my dad was driving me. Maybe it's a responsibility issue. Maybe I just have responsibility problems... Or maybe it has something to do with anxiety... It shouldn't, that should be dealt with by the pills. And if it's not then I'm on little yellow pills everyday for no reason. And that would NOT please me one bit.
I feel like I have no one to turn to. Like I can't go to my mom about it because she'll just get mad at me, and punish me. And that wouldn't help ANYTHING. Only make it much worse. And I feel like I can't go to my teachers about it because then I'm asking for special treatment, and it's like "who the fuck are you? Do the work like everyone else, you're not special." And why would they care? What difference does it make to them if I'm fucking up? None at all. And I don't think I could go to the vice princpal, eventhough he's the one who helped me out in grade 9, cause I don't think that's his job or responsibility. Or I could go to my guidance counsiller, which is probably my best bet, but that would mean making an appointment, and being in class for them to give me the sheet so that I know when the appointment is... And that's a bit of a problem. Because I feel like I can't go back! WHAT DO I DO? Fuck, why do I do this to myself? It's so self destructive, and I can't imagine why I would want to hurt myself like this.
It's just so stupid, and it makes me feel so stupid. And immature, and helpless, and lost, and you name it, I feel it. FUCK.
It's probably such an easy thing to figure out, and once this is all over with I'll look back and wonder why I made such a fuss about it, but right now this is really getting to me.
I wish I could just go to my mom and talk to her about it, but then I'll get yelled at, preached to, and punished, and that's not at all what I want from this. They've done that before when I did this, and low and behold, I'm doing it again! So that didn't work.
Fuck, why am I stupid?
My weekend was unbelievable. Dan coming (wink to those who know what I mean) was... Wow. He's incredible, and I'm so different for knowing him. I'm not entirely sure why, but he just makes me... Better. Happier, for sure. I guess me being happy would make me better, maybe that's what it is. In any case, I've been changed. The old me is gone, she'll never be back. He has a part of me now. Just... WOW.
Why am I not in school? I'm fucked that's why. I feel so stupid, like how could I let this all snowball and get out of control? I always do this! You would think I'd have learned by now, but no. I have 2 major projects due on Wednesday, and I had one due Friday which didn't get done, and one due today which I did, but I had to present, but that I didn't do... Because I didn't go to school this morning. I feel like I can't go back there, eventhough I can. And I feel like this is completely out of my control, when I know I could easily control it. I don't know why I'm the only one I know who does this! It frustrates me, and yet I feel helpless. I feel like I couldn't change it even if I tried, which isn't true, I probably could, but for some reason I just don't have to will to do it. And why is it that I can't go to school some mornings? Everyone else I know just gets up, gets ready, and goes. Me? I gradually get up, make myself late (either purposely or unintentionally), and end up not going. I wasn't like this when my dad was driving me. Maybe it's a responsibility issue. Maybe I just have responsibility problems... Or maybe it has something to do with anxiety... It shouldn't, that should be dealt with by the pills. And if it's not then I'm on little yellow pills everyday for no reason. And that would NOT please me one bit.
I feel like I have no one to turn to. Like I can't go to my mom about it because she'll just get mad at me, and punish me. And that wouldn't help ANYTHING. Only make it much worse. And I feel like I can't go to my teachers about it because then I'm asking for special treatment, and it's like "who the fuck are you? Do the work like everyone else, you're not special." And why would they care? What difference does it make to them if I'm fucking up? None at all. And I don't think I could go to the vice princpal, eventhough he's the one who helped me out in grade 9, cause I don't think that's his job or responsibility. Or I could go to my guidance counsiller, which is probably my best bet, but that would mean making an appointment, and being in class for them to give me the sheet so that I know when the appointment is... And that's a bit of a problem. Because I feel like I can't go back! WHAT DO I DO? Fuck, why do I do this to myself? It's so self destructive, and I can't imagine why I would want to hurt myself like this.
It's just so stupid, and it makes me feel so stupid. And immature, and helpless, and lost, and you name it, I feel it. FUCK.
It's probably such an easy thing to figure out, and once this is all over with I'll look back and wonder why I made such a fuss about it, but right now this is really getting to me.
I wish I could just go to my mom and talk to her about it, but then I'll get yelled at, preached to, and punished, and that's not at all what I want from this. They've done that before when I did this, and low and behold, I'm doing it again! So that didn't work.
Fuck, why am I stupid?