Compelled to post.
I'll forgo the usual lamenting on how long it's been since I've posted.
I'm back in love. Again. This time I think it's for real. Again. This time she's going to be in another state for the next year and I'll get to see her about once a month. That part is new. I am completely unsure as to how the distance is going to affect us. I'm in it for the long haul. I really am. I'm just paranoid about the consequences of the distance and time involved. It seems she's pushing me to find someone here to... I dunno... tide me over til we can be together. I'm not sure if she's doing this because she's genuinely concerned that I need physical release, or if she's trying to justify her own physical needs. She's told me in the past that during the stressful part of the school year, she can't go more than two or three weeks without sex.
I can't see her that often.
We've talked about possible solutions. I suggested that I wouldn't have a problem with her sleeping with girls, but we both agreed that it was a bit of a double standard. We've talked about staying monogamous, and hoping that my monthly visits will be enough to keep her sane. She says that it might work, because she'd never been in that situation in the context of a relationship, always single. I'm not so sure though, because she seems like she's trying to get me interested in girls that have rated me on OKC or girls I've talked about at work. We also haven't really made a decision, it's just been idle talk.
I'm completely out of my element here. My natural response is to say that we should be monogamous, that we shouldn't see other people while we're apart. I don't even know exactly why the thought of us seeing other people makes me so uncomfortable. Am I so stuck in my traditional monogamous morality that it evokes a knee-jerk reaction from me? Am I jealous of the guys she'd be seeing? Am I afraid that I won't find anyone here, and I'll just have to listen to her talk about who she's sleeping with? Am I afraid that if I do find someone here, I won't be able to separate the physical from the emotional and end up falling in love with the girl I meet here?
I think it's all of the above.
I want to be open minded, I want to be supportive. I don't know if I can be. The problem is that this girl seems perfect for me, except for the distance, except for the polyamory.
Do I make an exception? Do I face my fear and try something new? Do I knuckle under and say, "No. I can't do this."? What happens if I do? What happens if she doesn't want to be with me anymore because I can't handle it? Is this relationship the one? What if it's not? What if it is? What if I ruin everything because I'm scared?
I've been doing my best lately to conquer my fear. The problem is that the more this relationship means to me, the more I fear losing it. It was easy to deal with when I was just afraid of being in love. Now I'm afraid of losing a girl that clicks with me on the most fundamental level I've ever felt. How can I not be paralyzed by that fear?
All I know is that Gwendolyn is exactly what I want, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep her. I just don't know what that is.
I'm back in love. Again. This time I think it's for real. Again. This time she's going to be in another state for the next year and I'll get to see her about once a month. That part is new. I am completely unsure as to how the distance is going to affect us. I'm in it for the long haul. I really am. I'm just paranoid about the consequences of the distance and time involved. It seems she's pushing me to find someone here to... I dunno... tide me over til we can be together. I'm not sure if she's doing this because she's genuinely concerned that I need physical release, or if she's trying to justify her own physical needs. She's told me in the past that during the stressful part of the school year, she can't go more than two or three weeks without sex.
I can't see her that often.
We've talked about possible solutions. I suggested that I wouldn't have a problem with her sleeping with girls, but we both agreed that it was a bit of a double standard. We've talked about staying monogamous, and hoping that my monthly visits will be enough to keep her sane. She says that it might work, because she'd never been in that situation in the context of a relationship, always single. I'm not so sure though, because she seems like she's trying to get me interested in girls that have rated me on OKC or girls I've talked about at work. We also haven't really made a decision, it's just been idle talk.
I'm completely out of my element here. My natural response is to say that we should be monogamous, that we shouldn't see other people while we're apart. I don't even know exactly why the thought of us seeing other people makes me so uncomfortable. Am I so stuck in my traditional monogamous morality that it evokes a knee-jerk reaction from me? Am I jealous of the guys she'd be seeing? Am I afraid that I won't find anyone here, and I'll just have to listen to her talk about who she's sleeping with? Am I afraid that if I do find someone here, I won't be able to separate the physical from the emotional and end up falling in love with the girl I meet here?
I think it's all of the above.
I want to be open minded, I want to be supportive. I don't know if I can be. The problem is that this girl seems perfect for me, except for the distance, except for the polyamory.
Do I make an exception? Do I face my fear and try something new? Do I knuckle under and say, "No. I can't do this."? What happens if I do? What happens if she doesn't want to be with me anymore because I can't handle it? Is this relationship the one? What if it's not? What if it is? What if I ruin everything because I'm scared?
I've been doing my best lately to conquer my fear. The problem is that the more this relationship means to me, the more I fear losing it. It was easy to deal with when I was just afraid of being in love. Now I'm afraid of losing a girl that clicks with me on the most fundamental level I've ever felt. How can I not be paralyzed by that fear?
All I know is that Gwendolyn is exactly what I want, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep her. I just don't know what that is.