couples_therapy 52.5: Make Plans for Valentine's Day
[locked from Isaac]
I’m in a relationship. That means I’m supposed to be excited about Valentine’s Day. Duh. I’m supposed to be buying skimpy lingerie and candy hearts and trying to be the perfect girlfriend.
But Valentine’s Day is the one year anniversary of meeting Ste. And the whole month is full of anniversaries of first dates and first kisses and things that I don’t want to remember.
I don’t need therapy to know I’m clinging to an idea, not a person. I was with Ste for a shorter amount of time than any other boyfriend, including Isaac. Wow, has it already been that long, me and him? I know I’m clinging because I have no closure. I didn’t get to see a body, I didn’t get to say goodbye, I didn’t get to know him as much as I’d wanted to. And when you don’t know someone, and you have no way to know them better, your mind fills in the gaps, and creates a perfect person. Ste wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t the solution to all my problems. He wasn’t my soulmate. I need to just accept that. I didn’t even love him. I love him more now than I did when he was alive. And it hurts so bad.
Is every Valentine’s Day going to be like this? Getting depressed over a man I knew not even a full three months? I should be excited. Excited to spend a nice, romantic evening with Isaac. Planning what we’ll do. Looking ahead, not backwards.
I told Jean-Paul that I can’t see where I’ll be in five years. I have no plan. No matter how hard I try, I can’t see me at 25. Or me at 30. I vaguely see me married, but that’s only because that’s what girls do. I know I’ll never be a career woman who never gets married or has kids. I want kids. I want a husband. I want to be a wife. But will that happen by the time I’m 25, or 30, I have no idea. I can’t picture the man. I can’t picture where we’ll live. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life, the Health Center just sort of fell into my lap and I went with it. And I love it. I guess I just expected the rest of my life to be the same way. No planning, just rolling with the punches. Because when you start to plan, things get fucked up. That’s how you lose people, that’s how you get disappointed. I’d started planning with Ste. I shouldn’t have done that.
So I’m trying something different. I’m not planning with Isaac. I’m just letting things be, and seeing how they go. No expectations one way or the other.
But is it wrong of me to ask that we not celebrate Valentine’s Day? That we can do something the 15th or the 13th but February 14th is strictly off limits? That’s not fair of me. I’m still clinging to an ex and I’m asking him to accommodate me for it. That’s not fair. But I don’t know if I can just suck it up and deal with it. I don’t know what to do.
I’m in a relationship. That means I’m supposed to be excited about Valentine’s Day. Duh. I’m supposed to be buying skimpy lingerie and candy hearts and trying to be the perfect girlfriend.
But Valentine’s Day is the one year anniversary of meeting Ste. And the whole month is full of anniversaries of first dates and first kisses and things that I don’t want to remember.
I don’t need therapy to know I’m clinging to an idea, not a person. I was with Ste for a shorter amount of time than any other boyfriend, including Isaac. Wow, has it already been that long, me and him? I know I’m clinging because I have no closure. I didn’t get to see a body, I didn’t get to say goodbye, I didn’t get to know him as much as I’d wanted to. And when you don’t know someone, and you have no way to know them better, your mind fills in the gaps, and creates a perfect person. Ste wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t the solution to all my problems. He wasn’t my soulmate. I need to just accept that. I didn’t even love him. I love him more now than I did when he was alive. And it hurts so bad.
Is every Valentine’s Day going to be like this? Getting depressed over a man I knew not even a full three months? I should be excited. Excited to spend a nice, romantic evening with Isaac. Planning what we’ll do. Looking ahead, not backwards.
I told Jean-Paul that I can’t see where I’ll be in five years. I have no plan. No matter how hard I try, I can’t see me at 25. Or me at 30. I vaguely see me married, but that’s only because that’s what girls do. I know I’ll never be a career woman who never gets married or has kids. I want kids. I want a husband. I want to be a wife. But will that happen by the time I’m 25, or 30, I have no idea. I can’t picture the man. I can’t picture where we’ll live. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life, the Health Center just sort of fell into my lap and I went with it. And I love it. I guess I just expected the rest of my life to be the same way. No planning, just rolling with the punches. Because when you start to plan, things get fucked up. That’s how you lose people, that’s how you get disappointed. I’d started planning with Ste. I shouldn’t have done that.
So I’m trying something different. I’m not planning with Isaac. I’m just letting things be, and seeing how they go. No expectations one way or the other.
But is it wrong of me to ask that we not celebrate Valentine’s Day? That we can do something the 15th or the 13th but February 14th is strictly off limits? That’s not fair of me. I’m still clinging to an ex and I’m asking him to accommodate me for it. That’s not fair. But I don’t know if I can just suck it up and deal with it. I don’t know what to do.