CT 34.2: Habits
[locked to those in couples_therapy]
I have a date. Sort of. It’s just to a Halloween party. If the party is even happening. It’s all very friendly, and pretty innocent, if you ignore the fact that he’s going as a naked hobo and I’m going as Robin Hood with a skirt so short that if I move wrong everyone can see if I’m a natural redhead.
There’s something about holidays and men for me. On my 17th birthday I lost my virginity to Jamie. Ste and I met and sort of started seeing each other on Valentine’s Day. Last Halloween was the first time I slept with Fred. And now my first date with Isaac is this Halloween. I don’t really know what that says about me.
I’m worried about Halloween. I’m worried I’m going to start thinking of Fred. I don’t miss him, at least not as a boyfriend. He was a great guy, and he always made me laugh, and I loved that about him. I loved him. But we grew out of love. He was the only man I ever left before he could leave me. Jamie left. Jamie stopped existing, and no one seems to realise just how upsetting that is. He’s still around. He was in that article that Sally and Lorna did for Vanity Fair. But that’s not my Jamie. He made that quite clear. And that’s why as much as I might want to, I won’t be contacting him about the article.
Ste left. And now I’m finally giving up. Moving on. Going on a sort-of date. And I know I’ll be thinking about Ste on Halloween too. God, I have so much baggage. I don’t know how something could ever work out for me. I want to be happy. I want to move on and be close to someone again. I want my heart to allow me to do that. So I am. Whether I like it or not.
So I have had the three ways a relationship can go. He can leave, I can leave, or one of us can die. At least I can say I’m diverse there.
It’s time for me to break my habits. Do things differently. Because my way right now is not getting me anywhere.
I have a date. Sort of. It’s just to a Halloween party. If the party is even happening. It’s all very friendly, and pretty innocent, if you ignore the fact that he’s going as a naked hobo and I’m going as Robin Hood with a skirt so short that if I move wrong everyone can see if I’m a natural redhead.
There’s something about holidays and men for me. On my 17th birthday I lost my virginity to Jamie. Ste and I met and sort of started seeing each other on Valentine’s Day. Last Halloween was the first time I slept with Fred. And now my first date with Isaac is this Halloween. I don’t really know what that says about me.
I’m worried about Halloween. I’m worried I’m going to start thinking of Fred. I don’t miss him, at least not as a boyfriend. He was a great guy, and he always made me laugh, and I loved that about him. I loved him. But we grew out of love. He was the only man I ever left before he could leave me. Jamie left. Jamie stopped existing, and no one seems to realise just how upsetting that is. He’s still around. He was in that article that Sally and Lorna did for Vanity Fair. But that’s not my Jamie. He made that quite clear. And that’s why as much as I might want to, I won’t be contacting him about the article.
Ste left. And now I’m finally giving up. Moving on. Going on a sort-of date. And I know I’ll be thinking about Ste on Halloween too. God, I have so much baggage. I don’t know how something could ever work out for me. I want to be happy. I want to move on and be close to someone again. I want my heart to allow me to do that. So I am. Whether I like it or not.
So I have had the three ways a relationship can go. He can leave, I can leave, or one of us can die. At least I can say I’m diverse there.
It’s time for me to break my habits. Do things differently. Because my way right now is not getting me anywhere.