The very real dangers of cuteness
I of course realize that everyone thinks that their cat is the cutest. I understand that and I know it would be useless to argue.
However, my cat Folly IS actually the cutest cat in the world. No, really, it’s been documented by real scientists from Switzerland. They were very impressed. The highest previously recorded cuteness rating was a 95.6. This was earned in Australia by a Koala bear wearing a hat. Very cute.
Folly got a 105, and that’s without a hat. Yeah, I know, I was blown away too. I can’t even begin to fathom the sort of numbers she would have put up had she been wearing a sweater or little green knickers.
And for those who are not swayed by scientific reasoning it is also proven in the Bible. Fanaticals 5 chapter 7 third row to the left; “...and the Lord sayeth there shall come from Mount Danascus a Cat with nose all pink and fur all grey and stripey. Folly shall she be called, for she is super cute...” Must be true.
Now the reason I need to mention this is because she is sleeping on a chair next to my desk. Moments ago she was giving herself a vigorous tongue bath but then became too tired for that activity and curled up for a nap. But she forgot something...
She didn’t retract her tongue. It’s still sticking out. It’s sticking out RIGHT NOW! How do you forget a thing like that? I’m a bit memory impaired but I’ve never had anybody have to tap me on the shoulder, “Excuse me, Sir...”
“Yeth?”
“You appear to have left your tongue hanging out of your mouth.”
“Oh, Thorry...”
I’m not really sure what I should do. Should I poke it until she reels it back in? Is it going to dry out if I don’t do something? I hope it doesn’t turn into beef jerky. I have a little water bottle here, should I spritz it?
The thing is, Folly has done some things dumb enough to make me believe that this could be an honest mistake. However in the past she has also shown enough strategic planning skills to make believe this has been done on purpose. It could be a ploy. My cat may actually be attempting to be cute in a professional way. I’ve seen this before. My Mom does wildlife rehab work and brought home some baby squirrels to feed. These squirrels were professionally cute. I mean they had an agenda including an organized plan with meetings and everything. “All right, Nuttsy you go dig a hole in the newspapers and fall asleep upside down, Doris, keep obsessively cleaning your tail, Mr. Titters I need you to get your head stuck in something, try under the food dish or between the cage and water bottle. I’m going to see if I can walk with a slight limp...” You had to say, “Awwwwww.” But what are the animals doing with all this adoration? Is it an energy source of some sort? Can they store it and use it as currency among themselves? We all know that Transformers run on “Energon Cubes.” Could the animals be creating Energon cubes out of our attention to them? They can’t JUST be doing it for the shrimp and nut balls.
“Shrimp and nut balls?” Why does that phrase bother me?
Now let’s talk about Bunnies. What possible use are Bunnies? They replace otherwise useful space with poofy fur, damp eyes and overly long ears that cause compositional problems when you try to draw them. The biggest proof we have that bunnies are ridiculous are their noses. Why in Hell’s name do they need to wiggle all the time? Do you realize how much energy they are wasting? My nose acts like an efficient machine. It remains stable on my face with barely a tremor when I need to take in oxygen. THAT is a properly operating nose. It helps me breath and it holds up my glasses. I do NOT use it to charm people so that I can absorb their precious adoration and turn it into energon cubes to power God knows what. Am I the only person who is worried about this? When we are all strapped like batteries to giant machines that make jangly mice and Pounce you are going to remember that I tried to warn you.
Do you know her tongue is STILL sticking out? How much power does she need?
The most Scientifically appropriate measure for me to take right now would be to poke it with my finger. All right I’m going to try that. For those of you who are fascinated by scientific discovery I’m going to give a play by play of this great moment.
June 3, 07 2:46.16 sec: Cat is sleeping, tongue is still extended. My finger is travelling at a rate of .04 knots towards tongue. Cat appears unaware of finger. Finger still approaching. Cat registers some sign of awareness, ear twitches. Finger still approaching. Still no sign of tongue retraction. I realize that my fingers have been used to eat Andy Capp chili cheese fries, it’s too late to turn back, Finger touchdown in T minus 3...2...1... Touchdown.
Instant tongue retraction, an eye appears to be opening, yes it’s open, other eye has also started the opening process. Cat sneezes, head shakes, eyes are both open and showing awareness. From the size of the pupils and the pattern of forehead crinkling I would judge the cat’s emotional state to be perplexed with a side of suspicion. The subject is now smacking it’s lips, I believe it has just tasted the chili cheese fries. Cat has caught sight of patch of questionable chest fur and is cleaning. Cat is now stretching back leg. Cat is now cleaning patch of questionable fur on belly. Cat is now seeing and/or smelling and/or hearing something... Cat is walking away. Cat is checking on Kitchen garbage...
end experiment...
wait...
Cat has emerged from Kitchen carrying a ball of crumpled paper. Cat is approaching at a speed of .06 knots, Cat has deposited ball of paper within my easy reach. Eyes appear to be very intent and aware. They are moving from the paper ball to me, they linger there for a moment, they look back towards the paper ball, then back to me...
All right fine, I’ll throw your stupid paper ball!
Soon she will be able to make more Energon cubes.
However, my cat Folly IS actually the cutest cat in the world. No, really, it’s been documented by real scientists from Switzerland. They were very impressed. The highest previously recorded cuteness rating was a 95.6. This was earned in Australia by a Koala bear wearing a hat. Very cute.
Folly got a 105, and that’s without a hat. Yeah, I know, I was blown away too. I can’t even begin to fathom the sort of numbers she would have put up had she been wearing a sweater or little green knickers.
And for those who are not swayed by scientific reasoning it is also proven in the Bible. Fanaticals 5 chapter 7 third row to the left; “...and the Lord sayeth there shall come from Mount Danascus a Cat with nose all pink and fur all grey and stripey. Folly shall she be called, for she is super cute...” Must be true.
Now the reason I need to mention this is because she is sleeping on a chair next to my desk. Moments ago she was giving herself a vigorous tongue bath but then became too tired for that activity and curled up for a nap. But she forgot something...
She didn’t retract her tongue. It’s still sticking out. It’s sticking out RIGHT NOW! How do you forget a thing like that? I’m a bit memory impaired but I’ve never had anybody have to tap me on the shoulder, “Excuse me, Sir...”
“Yeth?”
“You appear to have left your tongue hanging out of your mouth.”
“Oh, Thorry...”
I’m not really sure what I should do. Should I poke it until she reels it back in? Is it going to dry out if I don’t do something? I hope it doesn’t turn into beef jerky. I have a little water bottle here, should I spritz it?
The thing is, Folly has done some things dumb enough to make me believe that this could be an honest mistake. However in the past she has also shown enough strategic planning skills to make believe this has been done on purpose. It could be a ploy. My cat may actually be attempting to be cute in a professional way. I’ve seen this before. My Mom does wildlife rehab work and brought home some baby squirrels to feed. These squirrels were professionally cute. I mean they had an agenda including an organized plan with meetings and everything. “All right, Nuttsy you go dig a hole in the newspapers and fall asleep upside down, Doris, keep obsessively cleaning your tail, Mr. Titters I need you to get your head stuck in something, try under the food dish or between the cage and water bottle. I’m going to see if I can walk with a slight limp...” You had to say, “Awwwwww.” But what are the animals doing with all this adoration? Is it an energy source of some sort? Can they store it and use it as currency among themselves? We all know that Transformers run on “Energon Cubes.” Could the animals be creating Energon cubes out of our attention to them? They can’t JUST be doing it for the shrimp and nut balls.
“Shrimp and nut balls?” Why does that phrase bother me?
Now let’s talk about Bunnies. What possible use are Bunnies? They replace otherwise useful space with poofy fur, damp eyes and overly long ears that cause compositional problems when you try to draw them. The biggest proof we have that bunnies are ridiculous are their noses. Why in Hell’s name do they need to wiggle all the time? Do you realize how much energy they are wasting? My nose acts like an efficient machine. It remains stable on my face with barely a tremor when I need to take in oxygen. THAT is a properly operating nose. It helps me breath and it holds up my glasses. I do NOT use it to charm people so that I can absorb their precious adoration and turn it into energon cubes to power God knows what. Am I the only person who is worried about this? When we are all strapped like batteries to giant machines that make jangly mice and Pounce you are going to remember that I tried to warn you.
Do you know her tongue is STILL sticking out? How much power does she need?
The most Scientifically appropriate measure for me to take right now would be to poke it with my finger. All right I’m going to try that. For those of you who are fascinated by scientific discovery I’m going to give a play by play of this great moment.
June 3, 07 2:46.16 sec: Cat is sleeping, tongue is still extended. My finger is travelling at a rate of .04 knots towards tongue. Cat appears unaware of finger. Finger still approaching. Cat registers some sign of awareness, ear twitches. Finger still approaching. Still no sign of tongue retraction. I realize that my fingers have been used to eat Andy Capp chili cheese fries, it’s too late to turn back, Finger touchdown in T minus 3...2...1... Touchdown.
Instant tongue retraction, an eye appears to be opening, yes it’s open, other eye has also started the opening process. Cat sneezes, head shakes, eyes are both open and showing awareness. From the size of the pupils and the pattern of forehead crinkling I would judge the cat’s emotional state to be perplexed with a side of suspicion. The subject is now smacking it’s lips, I believe it has just tasted the chili cheese fries. Cat has caught sight of patch of questionable chest fur and is cleaning. Cat is now stretching back leg. Cat is now cleaning patch of questionable fur on belly. Cat is now seeing and/or smelling and/or hearing something... Cat is walking away. Cat is checking on Kitchen garbage...
end experiment...
wait...
Cat has emerged from Kitchen carrying a ball of crumpled paper. Cat is approaching at a speed of .06 knots, Cat has deposited ball of paper within my easy reach. Eyes appear to be very intent and aware. They are moving from the paper ball to me, they linger there for a moment, they look back towards the paper ball, then back to me...
All right fine, I’ll throw your stupid paper ball!
Soon she will be able to make more Energon cubes.