When video games first arrived into the American spotlight in the late 1970’s You might want to change the "in" to a "during". It sounds a little redundant with into/in so close in the sentence.
I am not just talking about someone that you talk to on occasion, but somebody that you talk to for advice, someone that you just enjoy being around and talking to, and someone that you interact with almost on a daily basis. Could change the "talk to for advice" to "ask for." "enjoy being around and talking to." Same issue. Maybe "talking" > "relaxing with"?
Ideas and Presentation:
You might want to move the "Personally, one thing that" paragraph after the two dealing with critical thinking and parental opinions. You introduced how you feel about games and then segwayed into completely different.
At the end of the third(?) paragraph where you discussed how games are good for critical thinking, it ties in well with the last paragraph where you refer to the player-driven economy in FFXI. Maybe something bringing the critical-thinking idea with an actual example from the game. There's lots of things about the servers economy you could discuss, inflationary trends and the effects of patches on item prices. Basic supply and demand stuff. o_O (getting off topic >_>;)
(Terranova.blogs.com has lots of really good articles on game economy/MMO's if you think they might help/haven't read them.)
Back to paragraph order. The ending is really open and doesn't bring together any of the points you presented in the speech. It seems this speech is about the good/bad effects of videogames or some sort of variation. (Correct?) You might even want to put the "Personally, one thing that" paragraph after the last paragraph. It would be better for you to discuss your topic first.
You spoke about the presence of critical-thinking puzzles and situations in videogames in the first paragraphs after the introduction. (If you use the changes I think you should make) After showing an example of intellectual stimulation from your personal experience to support the idea, introduce the social aspect. I think your speech would work much better when you address negativity towards videogames and finish positively.
Regardless of those changes, the conclusion is very weak. You leave the essay on moderation in playtime. The last sentence begs so much more discussion a few sentences on that point would be nice.
I'll think of more when I print it out. It's hard to do revising in word. I need red pens and lots of scribbling!
Good luck with it. I'd be happy to proofread it again if you need me too.
When video games first arrived into the American spotlight in the late 1970’s
You might want to change the "in" to a "during". It sounds a little redundant with into/in so close in the sentence.
I am not just talking about someone that you talk to on occasion, but somebody that you talk to for advice, someone that you just enjoy being around and talking to, and someone that you interact with almost on a daily basis.
Could change the "talk to for advice" to "ask for."
"enjoy being around and talking to." Same issue. Maybe "talking" > "relaxing with"?
Ideas and Presentation:
You might want to move the "Personally, one thing that" paragraph after the two dealing with critical thinking and parental opinions. You introduced how you feel about games and then segwayed into completely different.
At the end of the third(?) paragraph where you discussed how games are good for critical thinking, it ties in well with the last paragraph where you refer to the player-driven economy in FFXI. Maybe something bringing the critical-thinking idea with an actual example from the game. There's lots of things about the servers economy you could discuss, inflationary trends and the effects of patches on item prices. Basic supply and demand stuff. o_O (getting off topic >_>;)
(Terranova.blogs.com has lots of really good articles on game economy/MMO's if you think they might help/haven't read them.)
Back to paragraph order. The ending is really open and doesn't bring together any of the points you presented in the speech. It seems this speech is about the good/bad effects of videogames or some sort of variation. (Correct?) You might even want to put the "Personally, one thing that" paragraph after the last paragraph. It would be better for you to discuss your topic first.
You spoke about the presence of critical-thinking puzzles and situations in videogames in the first paragraphs after the introduction. (If you use the changes I think you should make) After showing an example of intellectual stimulation from your personal experience to support the idea, introduce the social aspect. I think your speech would work much better when you address negativity towards videogames and finish positively.
Regardless of those changes, the conclusion is very weak. You leave the essay on moderation in playtime. The last sentence begs so much more discussion a few sentences on that point would be nice.
I'll think of more when I print it out. It's hard to do revising in word. I need red pens and lots of scribbling!
Good luck with it. I'd be happy to proofread it again if you need me too.
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