(no subject)
you can never go home again, they say, and that's true but not. living at home shows the truth of that, but visiting Cornell belies it - at least this visit. others have been more along that cliche, but this one was perfect.
it was so good to go back and fit instantly back into a group of people that I love so much. Its hard to modulate my role, to be less sketchy and less in charge and less...pushing, but i like how it went this weekend. i lived a dream with these people, and my only regret is that part of it has ended and that i'm left with so many people to share it with and no one to at the same time.
trying to grow and not cling to the past is difficult. I haven't quite figured it out yet, and i'm not sure what the best way to proceed is.
i'm mostly happy, or happier - but i'm slowly becoming aware that something is missing that doesn't have to be filled by hillary, even though I still want it to.
and that was the one part of the weekend that did not go completely smoothly, though I edit myself here for the first time in a long time, which is itself indicative perhaps. am i capable of what i was sophomore year? should i be given changed circumstances and personalities? do i want to be, given the outcome and the displaced pain?
thought thats a very cant and angsty way to put a simple and relatively normal feeling. i've moved out but not yet on - can i do more than visit home again? I'm not sure.
i wish i had trial runs, save abuse, and teleportation. i can't handle the distance, but the transition to closeness may be beyond me as well.
but atleast i'm somewhat growing right now, even though I still don't know towards what.
a book, a company, a cause? itd be nice to know again.
i lived a dream in college - the great thing was i realized it and it was just as big and beautiful in the flesh as in life. but trophies don't get you out of bed every morning like dreams do.
it was so good to go back and fit instantly back into a group of people that I love so much. Its hard to modulate my role, to be less sketchy and less in charge and less...pushing, but i like how it went this weekend. i lived a dream with these people, and my only regret is that part of it has ended and that i'm left with so many people to share it with and no one to at the same time.
trying to grow and not cling to the past is difficult. I haven't quite figured it out yet, and i'm not sure what the best way to proceed is.
i'm mostly happy, or happier - but i'm slowly becoming aware that something is missing that doesn't have to be filled by hillary, even though I still want it to.
and that was the one part of the weekend that did not go completely smoothly, though I edit myself here for the first time in a long time, which is itself indicative perhaps. am i capable of what i was sophomore year? should i be given changed circumstances and personalities? do i want to be, given the outcome and the displaced pain?
thought thats a very cant and angsty way to put a simple and relatively normal feeling. i've moved out but not yet on - can i do more than visit home again? I'm not sure.
i wish i had trial runs, save abuse, and teleportation. i can't handle the distance, but the transition to closeness may be beyond me as well.
but atleast i'm somewhat growing right now, even though I still don't know towards what.
a book, a company, a cause? itd be nice to know again.
i lived a dream in college - the great thing was i realized it and it was just as big and beautiful in the flesh as in life. but trophies don't get you out of bed every morning like dreams do.