Less in 07
2006 was the year I started disappearing. I must do better in 2007.
I have lobbied for a philosophy of letting go, giving up, quitting, squelching ambition and embracing defeat. I believe it is the path to truth.
I wish I was better at adopting it myself.
I wish I was better at expressing silence.
I wish I could say nothing and have it really mean something.
I wish I was better at diffusing my desire to consume unchecked.
Or do I still just need to accept myself?
Increasingly I notice trash--the amount of garbage I create is shameful.
I put 20 years of audio tapes into the garbage yesterday. It was liberating and regretful at once. I felt like I was putting thousands of hours to waste, those spent making and listening to them. But I realized those hours were gone, well spent and the relics meant nothing. Useless little boxes.
Digital is slow at decreasing the amount of things created for future garbage, but there is progress.
I'm not who I used to be. I've turned a corner. I've played many parts so far and my roles came to conclusions. There is no going back to them; my performance was left out on the stage; one night only.
When I was a child I would imagine what it would be like if my house burned down and all my stuff turned to ashes. I'd be sad for a few stuffed animals and toys that I believed contained a secret living spirit, but in general I would have felt the disaster to be a great fortune. Total destruction, amnesia, life altering tragedy, starting over from nothing; these ideas thrilled me.
It is my aim for less in the future. It is a battle with my self always wanting more, always fearing boredom and mediocrity, fearing the loss of inspiration and vitality, fearing death, fearing a life of invisibility without meaning or affect. It is my aim to conquer loss by having less, by relinquishing ownership of everything--to relinquish ownership of life is to conquer death. It is my aim to embrace a life without meaning. Let the weak, unstable and temporal be exposed to the elements and crumble, let the essential structure be revealed, standing on its own unto itself.
I have lobbied for a philosophy of letting go, giving up, quitting, squelching ambition and embracing defeat. I believe it is the path to truth.
I wish I was better at adopting it myself.
I wish I was better at expressing silence.
I wish I could say nothing and have it really mean something.
I wish I was better at diffusing my desire to consume unchecked.
Or do I still just need to accept myself?
Increasingly I notice trash--the amount of garbage I create is shameful.
I put 20 years of audio tapes into the garbage yesterday. It was liberating and regretful at once. I felt like I was putting thousands of hours to waste, those spent making and listening to them. But I realized those hours were gone, well spent and the relics meant nothing. Useless little boxes.
Digital is slow at decreasing the amount of things created for future garbage, but there is progress.
I'm not who I used to be. I've turned a corner. I've played many parts so far and my roles came to conclusions. There is no going back to them; my performance was left out on the stage; one night only.
When I was a child I would imagine what it would be like if my house burned down and all my stuff turned to ashes. I'd be sad for a few stuffed animals and toys that I believed contained a secret living spirit, but in general I would have felt the disaster to be a great fortune. Total destruction, amnesia, life altering tragedy, starting over from nothing; these ideas thrilled me.
It is my aim for less in the future. It is a battle with my self always wanting more, always fearing boredom and mediocrity, fearing the loss of inspiration and vitality, fearing death, fearing a life of invisibility without meaning or affect. It is my aim to conquer loss by having less, by relinquishing ownership of everything--to relinquish ownership of life is to conquer death. It is my aim to embrace a life without meaning. Let the weak, unstable and temporal be exposed to the elements and crumble, let the essential structure be revealed, standing on its own unto itself.