(Untitled)

[siriusblack515]

The dream is every night now. And of my friends and ex-friends in New York, being killed by me. Me holding the lightsaber in my hands, watching them beg for mercy. I don't show them any. In my heart, they haven't earned mercy from me. I had never gotten mercy. The world doesn't show mercy for the weak. That's why I do what I do in the dream,

Comments

[razberiflame]

But I guess in all honesty, none of that matters now, right? I mean, you have made your choice I suppose. Yet you think no one will mourn, that we will be happy. You are wrong. I wish I could make you understand. I still don't want to give up on you. And yet you tell me I don't care. Did you think I didn't care when I called the hotline when you still lived here? I was scared shitless to do that, but I faced that-- for you, because I couldn't go see you myself. I'd do it again, but I don't know how, and I'm not sure that it would work. I dont' know what would work. Any ideas I have aren't feasible now. Damn the distance. I just don't want you to do this. Maybe I can't stop you from hurting yourself, because you feel pleasure from it. I'll let you in on a secret. Unless you started about 3 years before I know you started, I tried cutitng myself. It is very different than the manner in which you do and I don't care to explain about it. Every once in awhile the urge comes. When was the last time I did it? Three days ago. How many times? Maybe 8 times estimate. It is in no way lifethreatening, but I want to tell you I actually do understand the pleasure it can bring, even if it is an illusion. But I suppose if you let it, it can be an addiction, like smoking. It's not that for me. But I don't want you to take that final step. That's where I draw the line. Notice I haven't tried very hard to get you to break the habit? But I did try hard to keep you from doing that final step. I hope you see that. I really do. And I want to help again, if I can. I want you to see the value of life. I want you to understand how it can be if you let the potential in. I want you to try-- something. Whatever makes you happy, except take life away from yourself. I believe it will damn you eternity and I do not wish that on you. I don't know if this advice will work at all, but I'm going to suggest one more thing. Do youself this last favor, for me. Go see a priest. Any kind. Any denomination. Just go to a church and talk to someone, and if you know one, go to one you don't know. Tell him things. He's the last person in the world you can absolutely trust. Hear what he has to say. For if even after that, if there is a God and a heaven, then you may open up your chance one last time for yourself. If there's not, then he'll just be a person to talk to, and might understand you differently than any doctor. And if the religious stuff wards you off, tell him that this isn't about spiritual things, that it's not your belief, and maybe even that you might be possessed by a demon. Don't go to a Catholic priest.

Please try this. This last thing. And please tell me your reactions to all of this. I look forward to hearing from you.