(no subject)
It finally came back to me. This feeling of deep despair. I can't explain how it came back, it just did. I feel as if all of the sudden, the world's weight was put back on my shoulders. I feel as if I can't handle it anymore. I would give anything to make this pain go away. But it never will. I give up on being happy ever again. I would sell my soul to the highest bidder right now, but it isn't worth anything. I feel stripped of everything good in my heart. Anything like friendship and love seems distant to me. I know people care about me, and love me, but I can't see it in myself anymore. I don't love myself anymore. I feel a very deep hatred of myself. I look in the mirror, and see all the ugliness in the world in my heart. I know why you were all worried about me, because of the evil presence in my heart. It has consumed me completely know. If anything, this is me saying goodbye to you all. No, I do not plan on dying, but as soon as I finish this entry, all the good in me will be gone forever. It is painful to keep myself writing this without it taking over me. I need you all in New York to know that I thank you for trying to help, you did all you could. But I was too late. It has consumed me. I want you all to be happy, for me. I want you to be the happiest people on the planet, so I can experience it by seeing you have it. The sparkle that my eyes once had is gone, all I see in them is the emptiness of my soul. I now understand that there is things worse than death, it's living knowing that you only make peoples lives worse. I'm sorry to anyone that ever got to know me, because I made your life worse. I understand the sacrifice I made when I chose my friends happiness over my own. I hope I am strong enough now to keep this evil limited to just inside myself, and not corrupt anyone I care about again. I can't anything of you go through what I feel. This is my rebirth, rebirth of the new me, the empty me. The missing one.