I don't see the point anymore.
Yesterday I had my Southeast Asian History exam. Today was my Tamil Language and Literature Paper 1 (so just Language) exam.
Both were horrible.
On the way home today, I remembered how everyone would tell me in JC that the A Levels were nowhere near as bad as they were made out to be. That most people experienced a jump by one or two grades, like Cs and Ds becoming As and Bs.
In this post, I ranted about the sheer amount of work and stress in JC, and about the liars who all told me while I was in secondary school that A Levels were easy and JC was fun and I could relax after my O Levels. Clearly I haven't learnt my lesson about believing people who try to make me feel better about major national exams.
So far I have had two papers. Both were disaestrous. Forget applying to do Egyptology in the UK, I might as well just prepare to retake the exams and go through A Levels again. Either that, or decide that the entire past 2 years have been a waste of my time and effort and my parents' money and go to Singapore Polytechnic and beg them to let me take a diploma in Creative Writing.
Two of my H2s are pretty much screwed up right now. I studied, I memorised things, I put myself under so much stress I had a minor breakdown every few days. And yet we got papers like this. Don't you dare tell me I didn't study enough and it's my fault, because yesterday the entire History cohort was in agreement that the paper had been horrible, and including me there are only three students taking Tamil Lang and Lit and we all agreed the paper was a lot more difficult than we expected.
On one hand, if the papers are tough and everyone does badly, they moderate the marks and do a bell-curve thing. On the other, it could just be my school. I know my Tamil teacher is absolutely awful at his job. We tried to study on our own but it didn't turn out to be much good, today. But my Southeast Asian History teacher always seemed intelligent and competent to us. I thought I was prepared for yesterday's paper and it turned out a lot more difficult than I thought, though at least I found it doable. Today's paper... *sigh*
So why did I even bother?
I don't have much hope for the Tamil Lit paper now, or for the International History paper. I had been fairly confident about GP and English Lit, but at this rate I'm steeling myself for equally screwed up papers. Chemistry is already a lost cause. I am sitting here crying because I just don't see the point anymore. Even if by some unlikely miracle the rest of the papers are easy, I've already messed up 2 of my 3 important H2 subjects.
The only reason I'm putting any effort into the rest of the papers is because I owe it to my family to at least try my best. Even though clearly it isn't good enough.