let me be here for you once

[mediumdrip]

Who: Blaine and Kurt (possibly Rachel later?)
When: Today, a couple hours before sirens.
Where: Their apartment
Summary: Kurt gets himself into trouble on the network and it brings back horrible memories. Blaine comes home and finds him.
Warnings: Triggery stuff with Kurt's memories of Yaha. Including descriptions of a panic attack. Tread with

Comments

[showbizpanache]

Kurt didn't hear Blaine come in. His ear buds were planted firmly in his ears, his iPod blaring loud enough to echo through the kitchen as he painstakingly iced his third cake. It was a carrot cake, made with pistachios and dried fruit, with plenty of spice. The frosting was I know what it is that you will give me cream cheese and smile for me just the right amount of milk for consistency--

His hand slipped a little, ruining the edge of the cake, and he cursed.

[mediumdrip]

The smell of the baking was the first hint that he wasn't alone in the apartment, but then Kurt's curse confirmed it. Blaine frowned a bit as he headed towards the kitchen.

Kurt wasn't really the type or curse unless he was really upset. Blaine didn't think that he was saying words like that just because a cake didn't rise the way it was supposed to or something like that.

"Hey," he said when he saw Kurt in the kitchen. Then, realizing that Kurt couldn't really hear him. He said Kurt's name louder. "Kurt?"

[showbizpanache]

It wasn't right, it wasn't smooth enough. Kurt tried again, spreading another layer of icing to cover his mistake, but it still didn't look right. It looked terrible. Lopsided.

He kept trying. His eyes glazed over as he stared at the cake, the third one he'd completely screwed up. How was he supposed to have Christmas dinner for guests when he couldn't ice a damn cake, when he couldn't--

I want your virginity.

"Kurt?" Blaine's voice was finally audible over the sound of his music and he gasped in fright. "Blaine! Jesus, you scared me."

[mediumdrip]

Blaine raises his brow a bit. "Sorry," he apologized and then when he was sure that Kurt could hear him, "Are you okay?" He looked over at the work that Kurt had been doing and then back at his boyfriend.

He wasn't sure what Kurt was planning on doing with the cakes. It was possible he was making them for some kind of bake sale or to give them to friends. Blaine didn't want to just assume that he was baking while upset again.

[showbizpanache]

"I'm fine," he said immediately, by default. "I just can't get this one to look right, you know? The others look fine, but this one is just-- I hate it, I hate how it turned out. Will you--"

The oven's timer went off, and he tugged on his mitts to go and pull yet another cake out of it. He set it on top of the oven and stuck in a toothpick, ignoring the way Blaine was eyeing him warily.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine moved closer to the offending cake. It looked find to him. Maybe not as perfect as the others, but fine. "Who are these for?" he asked after a moment as he looked back over to Kurt to watch him take out another cake. "Are we giving them to friends as holiday presents?"

[showbizpanache]

"Yes, sure, why not?" He waved a hand dismissively and realized it felt sort of numb--yet crawling, tickling under his skin. His mouth felt terribly dry as well, and he took a long drink of water to try and chase it away.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine was quiet a moment, uncertain how to continue. "Kurt, what happened today?" he asked then, trying to keep a calm voice. He moved closer to the other boy, cautious but wanting to provide physical reassurance by touching Kurt's arm.

[showbizpanache]

Both of Kurt's hands felt numb then, and he raised them up and stared at them, confused. He realized he was shaking.

"Nothing," he said, just as his chest began to hurt and tighten. "N-nothing. I'm fine, I just can't really--" He tried to suck in a breath, and the pressure just felt worse. Tighter. Crushing. "I can't breathe. I can't--"

[mediumdrip]

"Hey, hey," Blaine tried to soothe him, worry pushing even more. "It's okay. Focus." His hand rubbed Kurt's arm carefully, wanting to support him without crowding him. "Come on, let's go sit down so we can breathe together, okay?"

[showbizpanache]

He just nodded, looking vaguely terrified. It seemed as though the more he tried to gulp down breath, the tighter his chest became, and he began to feel dizzy.

"I can't breathe," he said again, as if Blaine wasn't leading him to the couch and sitting him down and soothing him. Kurt stared at the carpet, rocking back and forth, eyes wild and wet with tears.

[mediumdrip]

"I know," Blaine said. He kept a hand on Kurt's back, touching him carefully, while the other one rested on his leg. He kept his firm, warm touch on Kurt as he moved. "I know. I'm here, okay? Can you try to focus on me? Can you tell me what you need?"

[showbizpanache]

I can't focus I can't think I can't breathe can't you see that--

"S-sing," he managed to gasp out, still rocking. "Sing something?"

[mediumdrip]

Blaine nodded for a moment, trying to think quickly.

He starts out with a feeble "Da-dada-da," because it's all that comes to mind. Then it turns into a song by a familiar artist with words that start, "I don't know if I can yell any louder..."

He keeps his hands on Kurt and knows that the song really isn't the best that it can be. The chorus turns a bit into pleading. "Please, please don't leave me."

[showbizpanache]

Kurt's eyes closed and he just listened. He began to employ the same mechanisms he used to control his powers--focusing on memories, strings of glimmering good things tangled up in the mess of everything else. It was always so easy to connect them with Blaine, the person who'd shown up in his life so suddenly and so perfectly that he'd had to convince himself on numerous occasions that he wasn't a dream.

Blaine was real. Blaine was real and perfect and right there. Breathe. Breathe in and out. Slowly.

[mediumdrip]

Blaine rubbed Kurt's back up and down, encouraging him to breathe in and out. When the sound ended he stayed there, touching him and trying to soothe him. "That's good. You can do this..." he said softly as Kurt started to calm down and breathe. "Even when I keep giving you Pink songs."