one day, you will understand. but that day is not today.

[thepull_mods]

Who: Siren's Port
When: The night of Thursday, October 20th into the morning of Friday, October 21st.
Where: In the mind, in the dreams, in the unconscious of the sleepers.
Summary: The final night.
Warnings: These dreams may be considered not safe for work, with violence, gore, death, underlying sexual themes and other mentions of graphic nature.

Comments

Open to Kurogane and Sakura, NV responses will be after he calms~

[reflectedstasis]

[There's no screams or shouts as Fai wakes, no cries for his twin there on his lips anymore. He's had his days and nights of those kind of wake ups back when he first arrived in Celes - times when he'd scream his voice raw and Ashura's patient hand coaxed him gently back to the living. No, now there's only a sharp little gasp of breath lost into the pillow, where he's sleeping as usual - face down, buried in the soft material, always hiding in some way.

Only this time, his entire body is taut, hands clenched so tightly around the edges of his pillow, toes digging into the mattress so hard that he can feel the ghost memory of pain in the near invisible patchwork of thin scars that riddle fingertips and toes.

And while some part of him is telling himself to just let go, that he's had this dream time and time again over his countless years, he simply cannot.

Because for the first time in far too long, the dream is entirely too real... so for all that he's in the bed that he shares with Kurogane, for all that the ninja's warmth is

[ibreakrules]

[Frau couldn't deny that he knew that face. He knew it only too well now. Fai. Only much younger and filled with a despair that Frau knew only too well. That moment when everything you ever cared about crumbles away beneath your feet and you are left there in the ruins alone.

To know someone else had felt that, including that gentle hand that reached out in an effort to thaw the frozen void... No. It was only too similar. Frau wonders whether that hand still exists for Fai. Whether it does or not though, he needs to reach out.]

Fai.

[reflectedstasis]

[It's later, much later, before Fai is in any position to answer - and even then, he's standing in the living room, staring with a sightless eye out the window and watching the twisted shapes spawned by the Darkness wander the streets below before he realizes that Frau had spoken to him. He sighs, more from emotional exhaustion than anything, and runs a hand over his face before finally answering his friend.

Seems whether they want to or not, their truths were going to be laid bare between them, regardless.]

Frau?

[A beat, where he smiles slightly to himself.]

...I'm sorry you had to see that. It was a very... very... long time ago.

[ibreakrules]

[Yes, it did seem that way. Frau is willing to just be patient and offer what support he could though. Everyone had a darkest hour, and it wasn't something that you could compare between people.]

No matter how long ago it was, some pain never disappears. Some wounds never heal.

[reflectedstasis]

[He can't help it - he laughs wearily, bitterly at that.]

That's not a wound. I lost half my soul that day, so of course it still hurts. I can still feel him... where he was... [he taps his chest] right here. Every breath of every moment of every day.

[ibreakrules]

That's probably a good description. Do you know why he made that choice?

[Based on what he saw, Frau has at least one idea of why in mind.]

[reflectedstasis]

...Who say's he's the one that made the choice?

[For a flash, it's right there - nothing but a pure, unadulterated self-hate before he looks back out the window.]

Kurogane says that my memory of that was altered but... it doesn't feel any different. In my memory... the choice was mine. My fault. My own.

[ibreakrules]

Why do I think it was him? Because I can't see you killing someone for yourself. If he was your twin, the other half of your soul as you say, I can't see him making the choice to kill you for his own gain either.

[Frau sees that self hate, and he knows it. If he could, he would go to your side right now instead of just talking like this.]

[reflectedstasis]

[He just shrugs a shoulder at that. One night's reassurances, no matter that they are received from different sources, isn't enough to change over a century's worth of self-recrimination.

Especially in this instance.

He does have to smile though, even as he leans his forehead against the cool glass. His thoughts and gaze far beyond this island.]

Extremes like that can alter a person. Make them worse than they already were. So of course he wouldn't - his soul, like his magic, was pure. And... had I not been born, Fai would be the Elder Emperor by now. He would have made a kind ruler, a just one.

This is my sin, more than it ever was his.

[ibreakrules]

You cannot sin simply by being born. Choices lead you there.

[He picks up on the use of your name in reference to someone else and files it away. You certainly wouldn't be the only one who changed names. Frau sighs softly and watches you a moment before continuing.]

You know, where I'm from, everyone born receives three wishes. It is only when all three of those wishes are granted in life that they are finally recalled to heaven. Your brother's last wish was probably wanting to protect you.

[reflectedstasis]

[That would be a comforting thought, save for the fact that he has the very clear memory of taking the choice away from Fai - of being the kind of brother that would selfishly choose his own salvation over his twin's. A salvation that had been superficial at best. Still, it paints a pretty picture to deceive himself with, if only for a moment.]

...your world sounds like a kinder place then ours was.

[He draws a shaky breath, then laughs bitterly, softly, because even after all this time his memories of Valeria bite deep, sharp as any blade.]

In Valeria, twins are harbingers of misfortune. Our birth drove the royal line to madness and the country to ruin. Just by living. That fact is irrefutable. But I like the sound of your wishes.

Because in our worlds... all wishes must be paid for with a sacrifice that's equal in measure. [He cuts a look back, taps the eyepatch.] Just ask Kurogane. He's still paying his price for ignoring my own wish to die.

[ibreakrules]

[Frau's world? Kind? He wasn't all that sure about that. He'd seen what had been done to Teito, to Mikage. He knew what kor could do. He'd seen the wars that tore countries apart and destroyed countless lives. His world wasn't all that kind.]

You don't remember your wishes once you are born. They aren't chosen during life.

[Fai had just given him more information that Frau would have been able to put together on his own though. It's still not a completely clear picture, but the pieces are all there now. Knowing only makes Frau wonder more though. He doesn't know a lot about Kurogane. For now though, he won't say anything.]

[reflectedstasis]

And that's why I say yours is a kinder world.

[He sighs then, careful to keep his tone flat, emotionless.]

I've given up many things, Frau, in the name of a wish. But always, always it's through conscious choice. Something of equal value that you posess in order to see your wish granted.

For example... the young man that's traveling with us? In order to transverse the dimensions in search of Sakura's scattered memories, Syaoran sacrificed all of her memories of him. He gave up a lifetime of memories with the person he loves most, so that he could give her back her everything.

It's a painful thing to watch, each time she gets a memory that he knows should include him, only to see that his presence there has been wiped clean.

[ibreakrules]

Memories are always the worst thing to lose. Even if you lose something else, the memory of it is still there in your heart.

[It was why Frau hadn't been able to erase the memories Teito had of Zehel. Teito would have lost something far more important.]

I don't know what counts as a kind world, but I have to wonder whether any world that is completely kind would offer what people need to grow.

[reflectedstasis]

...Are you so sure pain like that really offers growth?

[He shrugs at that, his tone flat as he stares out the window. Because he doesn't see it as growth. he can't see how Fai's death had helped him to grow, at all.

If anything, if forced to look at the truth with any form of clarity, he'd have to say it had only managed to cripple him further.]

All that does is kill something delicate, fragile. All it does is shatter something priceless.

[ibreakrules]

I never said I agreed with death, Fai.

[Sometimes it is necessary, but many times it isn't.]

I've seen what can be left behind after death. It isn't something anyone would wish for. Sometimes though, you can use it as a reason to move on. Learn from it.