For the first time since he'd arrived at the coffee shop, Kurt began to feel prickling in his eyes. He sniffed and blinked rapidly, unwilling to let his emotions turn this around, make him irrational, make him weak. In a swift effort to pull himself together he took a long drink of coffee, focusing on its warmth and texture, how swallowing it chased down another lump that threatened to form.
When he set down his cup he looked more composed, but felt dead inside. "You...I was so in love with you," he said throatily. "Since I first met you. I thought you weren't real, sometimes. All I had to do was look at you and my shitty life wouldn't feel so shitty anymore."
He normally didn't swear very often, but it felt like something thin and buried had been peeled back, exposing raw flesh. "You were like this fairy-tale prince who just swooped in and saved me. Like every dream I've ever had come true. And now... It's not even you. You're just--you're just a teenager, Blaine, just a boy, and you've been through so much. It's me, I'm wrong. I had this--this view of what the world was supposed to be like, and what love was supposed to be like, and I built up these stupid fantasies-- I should have learned with Finn, I really should have."
Trailing off, he stared out the window a moment, and his eyes fell on every ugly corner of the City he could see. And he hated it.
"It's this place. I feel like I'm not me anymore. Like everything I'd thought about myself and the world is just a big joke. And I thought having you here meant keeping the things I believed in, a piece of home. Then that--that happened the other night, and now that's gone too. Just--gone, just like that. Like it didn't matter. Like nothing matters."
Blaine shifted a bit, as if he was going to reach out to Kurt to touch him or offer him something but he stopped himself. Instead he put his coffee cup on the table instead of holding it in his hands.
"That's not true," he said. It was easier to look at Kurt when he was looking away. Blaine let his eyes take in the side of Kurt's face and the lines of his neck. It was easier to sound certain if he didn't have to look at Kurt's eyes. "You matter."
Kurt couldn't help but wryly smile at the repetition of that phrase, and he shrugged. "I guess I'm just tired of being here," he said, crossing his arms over his chest. "I'm sick and tired and bitter and pissed off, and it's screwing up everything, including my relationship. So I think it's best if we just..."
He trailed off, unwilling to say the words out loud.
Blaine took a moment, letting himself reign in his heart ache. "Do you think we can still be friends?" he asked. His voice was as even and calm as he could manage. "It's been really hard ignoring you."
"I don't know," said Kurt honestly, looking up at Blaine, and the hardness was gone from his eyes. Instead they were big and soft, reaching out for understanding. "I don't...want to play around with you, you know?"
He sighed, shaking his head. "I have no idea how to do this."
"I don't know what I'm doing either, remember?" Blaine pointed out softly. He focused on Kurt. Now that things weren't so up in the air he actually felt better. Everything inside of him still hurt, the vice on his heart was still there. It was just lessened a bit. Thinking about Valentine's Day though, reminded him how badly he never wanted to mess up his friendship with Kurt.
"You're important to me. You're still the best friend I've ever had and you're the only person here from home. If you don't think you can handle talking to me or seeing me, I'll give you all the space and time you need. I just want you to know that I will always be your friend and if you ever need me I'm here for you." He paused, letting how true those words were settle into his heart and to prepare himself to say the next thing. He needed to build up some strength to get the words out. "For now though, I'm not going to expect you to be my boyfriend again. If, at the end of all the time you need, to don't want me anymore or if you find someone else I can accept that. I just want to be able to support you in any way that I can."
"I've sort of been a gigantic thorn in your side since we got here," Kurt admitted, shrugging. His smile was hollow, matching the inside of his chest. He could practically hear wind whistling through it.
Blaine gives Kurt a look of pure bemusement. He really didn't understand why Kurt would think such a thing. "What? You... you've never been a thorn in my side."
"That's because you're too good a person to notice," Kurt said dryly, running a hand through his hair. He took a deep breath, feeling his chest expand painfully.
"So...where to go from here," he sighed, looking fairly miserable.
"Like I said, I need time," Kurt repeated, as if convincing the both of them. "But...that doesn't mean we have to cut off contact permanently."
He places his hands flat on the table, staring down at them. "We can still talk on the NV, and see each other at Purgatory. And...I suppose if you wanted to-- casually hang out, that wouldn't be a problem."
"I'd like that," Blaine tried not to sound as eager as he felt about that chance. Anything to have Kurt in his life. "If I ever do anything to make you uncomfortable you have to let me know. We need to get to the place were we are both comfortable being completely honest with each other."
Kurt found himself staring. Blaine--really wanted him back. It made his heart fall somewhere he couldn't reach, and he came dangerously close to forgetting everything, to reaching out and grabbing onto the other boy's hand and saying never mind, let's just go, let's start over right now--
"I will," he promised. "I said I'd never lie to you again. That's not going to change just because we aren't dating."
Blaine felt some of the weight on his shoulders lift. He finally took a sip of his coffee, because he felt enough in control not to just have it settle uncomfortably in his stomach. He made a slight face as he swallowed because he forgot that he hadn't put sugar in the drink.
This didn't mean that everything was okay. He had still betrayed Kurt in the worst possible way. He wasn't sure that he could forgive himself for that so easily, but at least they were talking.
"I know, I wanted to bring it up again though, because things are going to be difficult while we try to fix our friendship."
When he set down his cup he looked more composed, but felt dead inside. "You...I was so in love with you," he said throatily. "Since I first met you. I thought you weren't real, sometimes. All I had to do was look at you and my shitty life wouldn't feel so shitty anymore."
He normally didn't swear very often, but it felt like something thin and buried had been peeled back, exposing raw flesh. "You were like this fairy-tale prince who just swooped in and saved me. Like every dream I've ever had come true. And now... It's not even you. You're just--you're just a teenager, Blaine, just a boy, and you've been through so much. It's me, I'm wrong. I had this--this view of what the world was supposed to be like, and what love was supposed to be like, and I built up these stupid fantasies-- I should have learned with Finn, I really should have."
Trailing off, he stared out the window a moment, and his eyes fell on every ugly corner of the City he could see. And he hated it.
"It's this place. I feel like I'm not me anymore. Like everything I'd thought about myself and the world is just a big joke. And I thought having you here meant keeping the things I believed in, a piece of home. Then that--that happened the other night, and now that's gone too. Just--gone, just like that. Like it didn't matter. Like nothing matters."
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"That's not true," he said. It was easier to look at Kurt when he was looking away. Blaine let his eyes take in the side of Kurt's face and the lines of his neck. It was easier to sound certain if he didn't have to look at Kurt's eyes. "You matter."
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He trailed off, unwilling to say the words out loud.
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He sighed, shaking his head. "I have no idea how to do this."
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"You're important to me. You're still the best friend I've ever had and you're the only person here from home. If you don't think you can handle talking to me or seeing me, I'll give you all the space and time you need. I just want you to know that I will always be your friend and if you ever need me I'm here for you." He paused, letting how true those words were settle into his heart and to prepare himself to say the next thing. He needed to build up some strength to get the words out. "For now though, I'm not going to expect you to be my boyfriend again. If, at the end of all the time you need, to don't want me anymore or if you find someone else I can accept that. I just want to be able to support you in any way that I can."
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"So...where to go from here," he sighed, looking fairly miserable.
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He places his hands flat on the table, staring down at them. "We can still talk on the NV, and see each other at Purgatory. And...I suppose if you wanted to-- casually hang out, that wouldn't be a problem."
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"I will," he promised. "I said I'd never lie to you again. That's not going to change just because we aren't dating."
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This didn't mean that everything was okay. He had still betrayed Kurt in the worst possible way. He wasn't sure that he could forgive himself for that so easily, but at least they were talking.
"I know, I wanted to bring it up again though, because things are going to be difficult while we try to fix our friendship."
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