The anger wasn't gone. It pulsed quietly beneath the surface, like something sick and growing, ever-present inside of him. Still--it was quieter, now. Kurt had managed to break free of the twist of horrible emotions that had held him down for an entire week, and he almost felt like himself again.
He'd pulled it all together, painting over his ill feelings as he always did--with hairspray, fashion and a blistering attitude--working on stage and under cars until he had no energy left to think. The pain hadn't left completely, but he'd ignored it long enough to convince himself he was fine. He would have been fine, if Blaine hadn't--
The sight of the other boy with such a hideous reminder of all the physical violence he'd suffered in his young life had been impossible to ignore. Kurt hadn't even kept things surface level, had he? No, he'd welcomed Blaine into his home, sang a song about not letting go, and passed out on him.
I'm worse at breaking up than I am at being in a relationship, was the thought that remained with him bitterly as the day began. He tried to dress accordingly, picking out something that was definitely not a date outfit and flat-out refusing to present Blaine with any of the cupcakes he'd baked while stressed throughout the week. He wasn't meeting Blaine to sit and talk animatedly about his new Broadway screenplay, or meet eyes with him across the table, or reach out to shyly brush his hand. Blaine wasn't his boyfriend anymore.
Right.
He arrived on time, walking briskly with his head held high, looking convincingly detached.
Blaine straightened up when Kurt appeared. He managed a smile, but it wasn't exactly happy. It was nervous and uncomfortable. "Hey," he said. "Thank you for coming."
It was such a stupid thing to say that Blaine winced inwardly, but he couldn't take it back now that it was out. He would have completely understood if Kurt stood him up.
"Come on, let's get our coffee," Kurt said with a perfectly disarming smile. He'd become ridiculously proficient in faking it, honestly, and wondered if he could even tell the difference anymore.
He ordered for them both without thinking, and his expression grew rather drawn as he handed Blaine his medium drip. "Ah--a table near the window, maybe?"
Blaine wondered if it was really possible for a person to feel their heart breaking in two. He could almost swear there was some kind of vice in his chest, squeezing him hard. He forced his mind to focus on his breathing. It would seriously not help his case if he lost control of his abilities while trying to apologize to Kurt.
He took his coffee and held it in his hands as they got their table. The heat from the drink was reassuring, normal, something they did all the time. He didn't even stop to get the packets of sugar he usually put in his drink because he didn't want to let go of the cup.
"Are you feeling better?" he asked, worried about Kurt since he had passed out after using his power.
"Much better, thank you," said Kurt, taking a sip of his own coffee. It was just to have something to do with his hands, really--he didn't taste it at all.
"My eye is perfect. You did a wonderful job healing it."
Blaine knows that's not really answering the question, but he can't bring himself to lie to Kurt by saying he feels okay. When people ask him that he's been finding sneaky ways to not tell them that he's miserable and just wants to crawl in a hole somewhere, so instead of answering Kurt honestly he focused on the physical damage that Kurt healed.
Blaine looked up at Kurt, focusing his attention on Kurt's face. He couldn't quite bring himself to look at his eyes though. His fingers pressed lightly into the paper cup holding his coffee.
"Talk to me," he murmured. "We came here to talk, not awkwardly exchange pleasantries over coffee. Please, just..." He sighed, swallowing the lump in his throat, feeling terrible. "Tell me how you're feeling."
Blaine sighed deeply and held it for a second. He let it out slowly, regaining control of his emotions. He gave himself a moment, because being honest with out he really felt was hard for him.
"Miserable," he said with complete honesty. After that word came out, he let himself keep talking, getting it out before he could convince himself to stop talking. "I can't believe what I said to you and how I acted. I'm so sorry, Kurt. I should have known that you didn't want it. I should have stopped myself. I completely understand if you don't want to see me again. I don't even deserve to be your friend. I completely took advantage of you and I wish I could go back and fix it. You deserve so much better."
It was painful, how familiar this felt. Blaine sitting across from him, looking at him with those big goddamn puppy-dog eyes-- Only this time, he wasn't saying something that made Kurt's heart feel as if it were spinning wildly, arms outstretched. This time it felt as if it were tied up in wire.
There was a very, very long pause before he spoke. Kurt stared down into his coffee, grabbing his thoughts off the ground and arranging them as carefully as he could.
"I'm still angry at you," he said with an air of finality, looking up at the other boy at last. "I think it'll be a little while yet before I can...really forgive you. But-- Blaine, I don't hate you, and I really wish you'd stop talking about yourself like you're the scum of the earth. It was a mistake, and honestly... I don't really blame you for it. I'm more angry about--about how the situation was handled than the situation itself. Does that make any sense?"
"You should be angry at me," Blaine said softly. He looked back down at the coffee again. He didn't think that Kurt should forgive him anything just yet, but he could focus on what Kurt was saying. "You needed me to understand what you were going through and I responded emotionally and angrily. I'm so sorry."
He had just been so hurt by everything that Kurt was saying, but that was nothing compared to what Kurt had been going through. It wasn't fair to blame Kurt for anything when his mind had been altered by something he couldn't control.
It was impossible not to sigh. Kurt resisted the urge to reach over and take Blaine's hand, keeping his fingers firmly locked around his cup of coffee. It warmed his palms and his always-cold fingers. Blaine's hands used to do that.
"I just...I need time," he murmured, feeling oddly stripped. "What happened... I don't know if it was because of you, or because of the way I am, but... It shook me quite a bit. I just... I need time."
"You're exposing yourself. You'll never be more vulnerable... It's doing something to your heart, to your self-esteem..." His father's words were at the tip of his tongue, rewriting themselves, and they'd never seemed more true.
Blaine looked back up at Kurt and nodded once. The movement of his head slow and deliberate and he let himself look back down at his coffee before answering. "You can take all of the time that you need," he said. He sighed softly, letting go of some of the tension in his stomach because he was sure it was going to kill him. It didn't really make him feel better though, just empty and sick. He was trying not to break down, trying not to let tears come to his eyes. "I... I'm here to find out what you want. I wasn't even sure where we stood until I heard you on the NV talking to that girl."
Kurt's simple declaration of 'he's not my boyfriend' had hurt like hell. It was the least that Blaine deserved, but it was also the first time that he really felt that what they had created for themselves was ended.
It was pretty obvious, of course, that they were over, given what happened, but he hadn't corrected people when they called Kurt his boyfriend over the network, had avoided putting any labels on Kurt when he people asked about him, treaded carefully around the topic when it was brought up. He thought he didn't deserve to be with Kurt anymore, but that didn't stop him from wanting to be able to think of Kurt with that word attached. It had taken him a lot to finally be able to change his image of Kurt from 'best friend' to 'boyfriend' and now he wasn't even sure what they were.
If Kurt's 'time' meant that they couldn't even be friends he would accept that, but it didn't stop him from wanting to get down on his knees a beg to be allowed to stay in Kurt's life.
For the first time since he'd arrived at the coffee shop, Kurt began to feel prickling in his eyes. He sniffed and blinked rapidly, unwilling to let his emotions turn this around, make him irrational, make him weak. In a swift effort to pull himself together he took a long drink of coffee, focusing on its warmth and texture, how swallowing it chased down another lump that threatened to form.
When he set down his cup he looked more composed, but felt dead inside. "You...I was so in love with you," he said throatily. "Since I first met you. I thought you weren't real, sometimes. All I had to do was look at you and my shitty life wouldn't feel so shitty anymore."
He normally didn't swear very often, but it felt like something thin and buried had been peeled back, exposing raw flesh. "You were like this fairy-tale prince who just swooped in and saved me. Like every dream I've ever had come true. And now... It's not even you. You're just--you're just a teenager, Blaine, just a boy, and you've been through so much. It's me, I'm wrong. I had this--this view of what the world was supposed to be like, and what love was supposed to be like, and I built up these stupid fantasies-- I should have learned with Finn, I really should have."
Trailing off, he stared out the window a moment, and his eyes fell on every ugly corner of the City he could see. And he hated it.
"It's this place. I feel like I'm not me anymore. Like everything I'd thought about myself and the world is just a big joke. And I thought having you here meant keeping the things I believed in, a piece of home. Then that--that happened the other night, and now that's gone too. Just--gone, just like that. Like it didn't matter. Like nothing matters."
Blaine shifted a bit, as if he was going to reach out to Kurt to touch him or offer him something but he stopped himself. Instead he put his coffee cup on the table instead of holding it in his hands.
"That's not true," he said. It was easier to look at Kurt when he was looking away. Blaine let his eyes take in the side of Kurt's face and the lines of his neck. It was easier to sound certain if he didn't have to look at Kurt's eyes. "You matter."
He'd pulled it all together, painting over his ill feelings as he always did--with hairspray, fashion and a blistering attitude--working on stage and under cars until he had no energy left to think. The pain hadn't left completely, but he'd ignored it long enough to convince himself he was fine. He would have been fine, if Blaine hadn't--
The sight of the other boy with such a hideous reminder of all the physical violence he'd suffered in his young life had been impossible to ignore. Kurt hadn't even kept things surface level, had he? No, he'd welcomed Blaine into his home, sang a song about not letting go, and passed out on him.
I'm worse at breaking up than I am at being in a relationship, was the thought that remained with him bitterly as the day began. He tried to dress accordingly, picking out something that was definitely not a date outfit and flat-out refusing to present Blaine with any of the cupcakes he'd baked while stressed throughout the week. He wasn't meeting Blaine to sit and talk animatedly about his new Broadway screenplay, or meet eyes with him across the table, or reach out to shyly brush his hand. Blaine wasn't his boyfriend anymore.
Right.
He arrived on time, walking briskly with his head held high, looking convincingly detached.
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It was such a stupid thing to say that Blaine winced inwardly, but he couldn't take it back now that it was out. He would have completely understood if Kurt stood him up.
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He ordered for them both without thinking, and his expression grew rather drawn as he handed Blaine his medium drip. "Ah--a table near the window, maybe?"
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He took his coffee and held it in his hands as they got their table. The heat from the drink was reassuring, normal, something they did all the time. He didn't even stop to get the packets of sugar he usually put in his drink because he didn't want to let go of the cup.
"Are you feeling better?" he asked, worried about Kurt since he had passed out after using his power.
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"Yourself?
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Blaine knows that's not really answering the question, but he can't bring himself to lie to Kurt by saying he feels okay. When people ask him that he's been finding sneaky ways to not tell them that he's miserable and just wants to crawl in a hole somewhere, so instead of answering Kurt honestly he focused on the physical damage that Kurt healed.
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He couldn't even breathe, much less say anything.
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"Miserable," he said with complete honesty. After that word came out, he let himself keep talking, getting it out before he could convince himself to stop talking. "I can't believe what I said to you and how I acted. I'm so sorry, Kurt. I should have known that you didn't want it. I should have stopped myself. I completely understand if you don't want to see me again. I don't even deserve to be your friend. I completely took advantage of you and I wish I could go back and fix it. You deserve so much better."
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There was a very, very long pause before he spoke. Kurt stared down into his coffee, grabbing his thoughts off the ground and arranging them as carefully as he could.
"I'm still angry at you," he said with an air of finality, looking up at the other boy at last. "I think it'll be a little while yet before I can...really forgive you. But-- Blaine, I don't hate you, and I really wish you'd stop talking about yourself like you're the scum of the earth. It was a mistake, and honestly... I don't really blame you for it. I'm more angry about--about how the situation was handled than the situation itself. Does that make any sense?"
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He had just been so hurt by everything that Kurt was saying, but that was nothing compared to what Kurt had been going through. It wasn't fair to blame Kurt for anything when his mind had been altered by something he couldn't control.
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"I just...I need time," he murmured, feeling oddly stripped. "What happened... I don't know if it was because of you, or because of the way I am, but... It shook me quite a bit. I just... I need time."
"You're exposing yourself. You'll never be more vulnerable... It's doing something to your heart, to your self-esteem..." His father's words were at the tip of his tongue, rewriting themselves, and they'd never seemed more true.
Reply
Kurt's simple declaration of 'he's not my boyfriend' had hurt like hell. It was the least that Blaine deserved, but it was also the first time that he really felt that what they had created for themselves was ended.
It was pretty obvious, of course, that they were over, given what happened, but he hadn't corrected people when they called Kurt his boyfriend over the network, had avoided putting any labels on Kurt when he people asked about him, treaded carefully around the topic when it was brought up. He thought he didn't deserve to be with Kurt anymore, but that didn't stop him from wanting to be able to think of Kurt with that word attached. It had taken him a lot to finally be able to change his image of Kurt from 'best friend' to 'boyfriend' and now he wasn't even sure what they were.
If Kurt's 'time' meant that they couldn't even be friends he would accept that, but it didn't stop him from wanting to get down on his knees a beg to be allowed to stay in Kurt's life.
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When he set down his cup he looked more composed, but felt dead inside. "You...I was so in love with you," he said throatily. "Since I first met you. I thought you weren't real, sometimes. All I had to do was look at you and my shitty life wouldn't feel so shitty anymore."
He normally didn't swear very often, but it felt like something thin and buried had been peeled back, exposing raw flesh. "You were like this fairy-tale prince who just swooped in and saved me. Like every dream I've ever had come true. And now... It's not even you. You're just--you're just a teenager, Blaine, just a boy, and you've been through so much. It's me, I'm wrong. I had this--this view of what the world was supposed to be like, and what love was supposed to be like, and I built up these stupid fantasies-- I should have learned with Finn, I really should have."
Trailing off, he stared out the window a moment, and his eyes fell on every ugly corner of the City he could see. And he hated it.
"It's this place. I feel like I'm not me anymore. Like everything I'd thought about myself and the world is just a big joke. And I thought having you here meant keeping the things I believed in, a piece of home. Then that--that happened the other night, and now that's gone too. Just--gone, just like that. Like it didn't matter. Like nothing matters."
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"That's not true," he said. It was easier to look at Kurt when he was looking away. Blaine let his eyes take in the side of Kurt's face and the lines of his neck. It was easier to sound certain if he didn't have to look at Kurt's eyes. "You matter."
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