stop yourself from thinking

[drainedpaladin]

Who: Doumeki and Watanuki
When: midday, November 1, after the night of their re-arrival in Siren's Port
Where: Baseball Diamond to their apartment
Summary: Doumeki and Watanuki are figuring out that they're not exactly where they're used to being, and, having been informed that they own an apartment, they're going to go check it out. Only to

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[successoroftime]

Your happiness is important to me, moreso because we're already this tightly bound. It won't sit well with me if you regret this later on.

[he took a breath and shifted his hands, this time placing the heel of his palm on the counter top to grip the tiled edge.]

It isn't that your happiness is my happiness - I know better than that now. No two people have the exact same happiness because they're different from each other, so it will mean something different for each of them. Rather, it's that two people will affect each other's happiness... and sadness.

[he pauses and tightens his hold on the counter ledge. The grooves of the tile dig on his fingers.]

I'm... glad, that you stayed with me. But in doing so, I also know that I might've taken you away from something else that might be important to you years from now. And whether or not you're happy affects my own contentment, especially because you're the one who understands me the most.

[he glanced away, swallowing the lump that had formed again in his throat.]

I don't want to alienate you that way if you decide you don't want stay as much in the future. Not after everything.

[drainedpaladin]

[he silently listened out all that Watanuki had to say, hearing him, understanding him, he thought. watching his body language, watching the way he shifts, and gripped at the counter for support while he explained.

it made sense. it made a lot of sense. what Watanuki said showed a great deal of compassion for Doumeki and how he felt. it showed that he was starting to rank...somewhere, on Watanuki's scale of people who mattered. still, he didn't understand. he couldn't seem to understand what it was he meant to Doumeki, in a way what kind of person Doumeki was.

he stood still, his head down a little, and then shook his head]

You don't understand. [his voice was soft, a little rough] The things in a normal person's life don't matter as much. [he swallowed, trying to verbalize what it was he felt, what he thought. it was difficult, one of the more difficult things he had done - how to explain to Watanuki that just getting a few smiles was enough to make up for every minute, every verbal rebuke, every shouting match and insult, every drop of blood, every hour in the rain, every night without sleep, every wound borne, the hours of worry, a quarter of his vision...]

You don't understand, Watanuki. My decision is already made. I only want to know how much of what I give you'll take.

[successoroftime]

Watanuki looked up sharply at that, his eyes widening.]

How much of what you give that I'll...

[it sounded different, the way Doumeki said it, more raw and deep and there, compared to the quietness or the anger or the frustration Doumeki had when they had gotten into conversations like this in the past.

'How much Doumeki gave.' It meant more than what Doumeki seemed to have offered before: his loyalty.

The image of the glass figurine and the fire appeared again in his mind's eye. Somehow, he was close to making sense of it.

And the flame seemed more intense.]

Doumeki. Help me understand.

[drainedpaladin]

[this was getting more difficult, Watanuki was asking for things that were difficult to give, that he had to steel every bit of resolve for. and still, he felt awkward and it was difficult to make his throat, his vocal cords, function in order to say anything about the deep well of emotions that lay under the surface of his calm demeanor.

he tried to figure it out, as best he could, before finally speaking, his voice still low and rough]

I can't have anything with a normal life that is equal to what we've been having. [he swallowed hard, his eyes squeezing shut for a moment, then opening, lifting his chin to force himself to lock eyes with Watanuki] I can't make you understand if you're not ready to understand. [he swallows hard, just watching him] I tried. I tried many times.

[he can't force himself to say it, not again, not so soon after the Christmas thing, not yet. not at this moment.]

[successoroftime]

Doumeki...

[one of his hands fell limply at his side, and the other still remained at the counter's edge. Watanuki's heart squeezed when he heard the underlying emotions in Doumeki's voice - pain, frustration. The willingness to hope, the nearness to giving up.

A plea to understand.

Doumeki said it again, that this was what he had decided. This seemed like a heavier pledge -- more like a confession. Greater than simply saying that what he was giving up outside of the shop didn't matter because he had already decided on what to do.

He was saying that what Watanuki had was just as important as those. That he'd be as happy as if he would be if he had those, because Watanuki was...

Watanuki was them. As important as Doumeki's future, the friends he would have, the coworkers he would meet, family, and even --

Watanuki's heart pounded solidly in his chest as the lump in his throat seemed to make it difficult to breathe. The world was narrowed to this room where they stood, and the walls were the words that they said.]

I'm...

[he could hear himself breathing. it felt like being suspended in time.]

You're...

[it was difficult to say what he had guessed, or even to put it into words. The glass in his palms felt thinner. As if the slightest pressure would cause it to shatter.]