stop yourself from thinking

[drainedpaladin]

Who: Doumeki and Watanuki
When: midday, November 1, after the night of their re-arrival in Siren's Port
Where: Baseball Diamond to their apartment
Summary: Doumeki and Watanuki are figuring out that they're not exactly where they're used to being, and, having been informed that they own an apartment, they're going to go check it out. Only to

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[drainedpaladin]

[Watanuki was being relatively queit, considering the topic of discussion at hand. he felt strangely tentative, all of a sudden, as if he was treading on dangerous ground with Watanuki, like there was a chance that things would be ruined if the wrong words were said. he wanted to be honest, he wanted to speak his mind, but there was that fear that if he did that, it would scare the boy away, or worse - Watanuki still wouldn't notice, still wouldn't realize, like at Christmas. that he wasn't looking at Doumeki that way, even if Doumeki was doing his best to show what he felt.

Watanuki not noticing was almost more upsetting than Watanuki rejecting him. that was why Christmas had been so painful - because Watanuki hadn't even realized what Doumeki had been getting at, and that meant the wait was longer than Doumeki could have anticipated. time stretched out in front of him - four years was more than the time he'd known Watanuki already, and it was so much, how much more would he lose before he got what he needed in return?

he exhaled shakily and frowned slightly, glancing to the side]

It's closer than I expected you'd want me.

[successoroftime]

[those words made him self-conscious. Watanuki knew that he was to blame for that; he did tend to behave badly, and other people disagreed with how he judged things if he cared for the other party involved and there was only so much he could to to help.]

Where you'd want to be is up to you, isn't it? [his lips curved in a self-depreciating smile.] We had already talked about this before, about you staying.

[drainedpaladin]

We did talk about it. I thought I made it clear that what you want...

[he cut himself off before he said something he'd regret, something too easily misunderstood, or something too easily understood, something to put him at a disadvantage to the only person whose opinion could shake Doumeki to the core. his breath came in a shuddering sort of way, and he exhaled shakily, looking away from Watanuki, displeasure written all over his features.

he was a little bit angry that, again, Watanuki refused to take responsibility, put it all on Doumeki's shoulders and acted as if his own opinion didn't factor in. he was a little bit hurt, too, because he couldn't dictate, wouldn't want to dictate, the type of relationship he saw in this apartment, wanted for himself]

What you want. It's important too.

[successoroftime]

I know.

[it wasn't that Watanuki refused responsibility. It's because he was afraid that Doumeki would grow to not like this once he was already involved too deep, as deep as their current living space implied.

He didn't want to trap Doumeki, especially when he already knew how far Doumeki would follow his loyalties.

Watanuki glanced down when he saw the tension in Doumeki's frame. This time, at least, he knew what he said to make the other angry.]

It isn't that I don't appreciate the promises you made. Though, I also want you to be sure that you'd be happy at the end of all of this. That's the most important thing.

[drainedpaladin]

[his eyes flicked up to look at the boy's face, clearly, straight on, and his chest rose and fell a little harder, his face feeling heated even if no colour showed. he frowned a little, his frame still tense, and then shifted to lean against the counter with a hip, lifting his arms to cross them on his chest, against the strange pain forming under his diaphragm]

Stop that. You're doing it again, like with the spider woman.

[his jaw tightened, tense under his skin, and he looked away from the other boy]

What you want is important. The most important. [his breath exhales softly] I'll do what will satisfy me, but I need your permission first.

[successoroftime]

Your happiness is important to me, moreso because we're already this tightly bound. It won't sit well with me if you regret this later on.

[he took a breath and shifted his hands, this time placing the heel of his palm on the counter top to grip the tiled edge.]

It isn't that your happiness is my happiness - I know better than that now. No two people have the exact same happiness because they're different from each other, so it will mean something different for each of them. Rather, it's that two people will affect each other's happiness... and sadness.

[he pauses and tightens his hold on the counter ledge. The grooves of the tile dig on his fingers.]

I'm... glad, that you stayed with me. But in doing so, I also know that I might've taken you away from something else that might be important to you years from now. And whether or not you're happy affects my own contentment, especially because you're the one who understands me the most.

[he glanced away, swallowing the lump that had formed again in his throat.]

I don't want to alienate you that way if you decide you don't want stay as much in the future. Not after everything.

[drainedpaladin]

[he silently listened out all that Watanuki had to say, hearing him, understanding him, he thought. watching his body language, watching the way he shifts, and gripped at the counter for support while he explained.

it made sense. it made a lot of sense. what Watanuki said showed a great deal of compassion for Doumeki and how he felt. it showed that he was starting to rank...somewhere, on Watanuki's scale of people who mattered. still, he didn't understand. he couldn't seem to understand what it was he meant to Doumeki, in a way what kind of person Doumeki was.

he stood still, his head down a little, and then shook his head]

You don't understand. [his voice was soft, a little rough] The things in a normal person's life don't matter as much. [he swallowed, trying to verbalize what it was he felt, what he thought. it was difficult, one of the more difficult things he had done - how to explain to Watanuki that just getting a few smiles was enough to make up for every minute, every verbal rebuke, every shouting match and insult, every drop of blood, every hour in the rain, every night without sleep, every wound borne, the hours of worry, a quarter of his vision...]

You don't understand, Watanuki. My decision is already made. I only want to know how much of what I give you'll take.

[successoroftime]

Watanuki looked up sharply at that, his eyes widening.]

How much of what you give that I'll...

[it sounded different, the way Doumeki said it, more raw and deep and there, compared to the quietness or the anger or the frustration Doumeki had when they had gotten into conversations like this in the past.

'How much Doumeki gave.' It meant more than what Doumeki seemed to have offered before: his loyalty.

The image of the glass figurine and the fire appeared again in his mind's eye. Somehow, he was close to making sense of it.

And the flame seemed more intense.]

Doumeki. Help me understand.

[drainedpaladin]

[this was getting more difficult, Watanuki was asking for things that were difficult to give, that he had to steel every bit of resolve for. and still, he felt awkward and it was difficult to make his throat, his vocal cords, function in order to say anything about the deep well of emotions that lay under the surface of his calm demeanor.

he tried to figure it out, as best he could, before finally speaking, his voice still low and rough]

I can't have anything with a normal life that is equal to what we've been having. [he swallowed hard, his eyes squeezing shut for a moment, then opening, lifting his chin to force himself to lock eyes with Watanuki] I can't make you understand if you're not ready to understand. [he swallows hard, just watching him] I tried. I tried many times.

[he can't force himself to say it, not again, not so soon after the Christmas thing, not yet. not at this moment.]

[successoroftime]

Doumeki...

[one of his hands fell limply at his side, and the other still remained at the counter's edge. Watanuki's heart squeezed when he heard the underlying emotions in Doumeki's voice - pain, frustration. The willingness to hope, the nearness to giving up.

A plea to understand.

Doumeki said it again, that this was what he had decided. This seemed like a heavier pledge -- more like a confession. Greater than simply saying that what he was giving up outside of the shop didn't matter because he had already decided on what to do.

He was saying that what Watanuki had was just as important as those. That he'd be as happy as if he would be if he had those, because Watanuki was...

Watanuki was them. As important as Doumeki's future, the friends he would have, the coworkers he would meet, family, and even --

Watanuki's heart pounded solidly in his chest as the lump in his throat seemed to make it difficult to breathe. The world was narrowed to this room where they stood, and the walls were the words that they said.]

I'm...

[he could hear himself breathing. it felt like being suspended in time.]

You're...

[it was difficult to say what he had guessed, or even to put it into words. The glass in his palms felt thinner. As if the slightest pressure would cause it to shatter.]