stop yourself from thinking
Who: Doumeki and Watanuki
When: midday, November 1, after the night of their re-arrival in Siren's Port
Where: Baseball Diamond to their apartment
Summary: Doumeki and Watanuki are figuring out that they're not exactly where they're used to being, and, having been informed that they own an apartment, they're going to go check it out. Only to ( Read more... )
When: midday, November 1, after the night of their re-arrival in Siren's Port
Where: Baseball Diamond to their apartment
Summary: Doumeki and Watanuki are figuring out that they're not exactly where they're used to being, and, having been informed that they own an apartment, they're going to go check it out. Only to ( Read more... )
it took him several moments to catch up to himself, to build up the fortitude to start wondering what Watanuki might be disappointed about - there were too many things, too many possibilities, and he didn't know which direction to go in. he'd learned the hard way not to take the best route, too many times, even before Salkia, and taking the worst was an emotional struggle he didn't feel up to at the moment, so he let it stop there. with possibilities.
Doumeki took a deep breath, and closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them, letting his hand continue to rest on Watanuki's thin, hunched shoulder.
when he was directly asked a question, he had a hard time responding. words had never come easily, and words with meaning came almost impossibly, so it was difficult to even force air through his vocal cords, to will himself to speak. when he did, it was low, very quiet, a bit rough, as if he hadn't spoken in a long time]
I'm confused.
[in the tone of an admission - something he didn't want to say, but couldn't avoid speaking]
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Watanuki gently rubbed his fingers on his elbow, taking a soft breath before looking up at Doumeki, his body language easing. Doumeki's admission somehow took away the burden of not knowing about what kind of not knowing they had, a different kind of question from having to pinpoint what Watanuki felt was missing, and it diffused the tension.
Just a little.]
About which part?
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still, Watanuki settled a little when he'd admitted he was confused, and was looking at him again. he swallowed hard, and forced himself to keep looking at Watanuki, his hand sliding from the boy's shoulder for the moment and hanging at his side. he resisted the urge to curl it against his belly in a defensive move]
Most of it. This isn't what I was expecting to find.
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The cooling of his skin and the lack of weight only added to the sense of loss. He tipped his head to the side and shifted his gaze on the floor again.
What was Doumeki thinking right now? Even if he got to know more about the other teen, it still felt like there was so much he couldn't tell.]
You, too? Even if you already said that living in the same place was something you had in mind.
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Living in the same place is one thing, but...sharing a bed...
[he caught his breath, looking at Watanuki again for a moment, cautious but with that slight look of longing on his face. just for a moment before he masked it, hid it, glanced downward, his hair long enough to cover his face]
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[For once, he was able to resist having his mouth run off again, and the feeling of holding a delicate glass sculpture returned. Maybe it was in the form of a small, transparent bird, and he could feel the warmth from the fire it sealed within through the glass.
It was still a small flame. Watanuki closed his eyes for a moment, imagining himself holding that item, seeing the gold and blue lights reflect off the surface.
He had to be careful not to drop it, because if he did the fire inside wouldn't be able to be as strong as it can be.]
I wonder what our older selves thought. Still, I think they were happy, right?
[the smile on his lips turned dry.] I already knew that things wouldn't be easy. That's why I couldn't imagine something as close as this.
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Watanuki not noticing was almost more upsetting than Watanuki rejecting him. that was why Christmas had been so painful - because Watanuki hadn't even realized what Doumeki had been getting at, and that meant the wait was longer than Doumeki could have anticipated. time stretched out in front of him - four years was more than the time he'd known Watanuki already, and it was so much, how much more would he lose before he got what he needed in return?
he exhaled shakily and frowned slightly, glancing to the side]
It's closer than I expected you'd want me.
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Where you'd want to be is up to you, isn't it? [his lips curved in a self-depreciating smile.] We had already talked about this before, about you staying.
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[he cut himself off before he said something he'd regret, something too easily misunderstood, or something too easily understood, something to put him at a disadvantage to the only person whose opinion could shake Doumeki to the core. his breath came in a shuddering sort of way, and he exhaled shakily, looking away from Watanuki, displeasure written all over his features.
he was a little bit angry that, again, Watanuki refused to take responsibility, put it all on Doumeki's shoulders and acted as if his own opinion didn't factor in. he was a little bit hurt, too, because he couldn't dictate, wouldn't want to dictate, the type of relationship he saw in this apartment, wanted for himself]
What you want. It's important too.
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[it wasn't that Watanuki refused responsibility. It's because he was afraid that Doumeki would grow to not like this once he was already involved too deep, as deep as their current living space implied.
He didn't want to trap Doumeki, especially when he already knew how far Doumeki would follow his loyalties.
Watanuki glanced down when he saw the tension in Doumeki's frame. This time, at least, he knew what he said to make the other angry.]
It isn't that I don't appreciate the promises you made. Though, I also want you to be sure that you'd be happy at the end of all of this. That's the most important thing.
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Stop that. You're doing it again, like with the spider woman.
[his jaw tightened, tense under his skin, and he looked away from the other boy]
What you want is important. The most important. [his breath exhales softly] I'll do what will satisfy me, but I need your permission first.
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[he took a breath and shifted his hands, this time placing the heel of his palm on the counter top to grip the tiled edge.]
It isn't that your happiness is my happiness - I know better than that now. No two people have the exact same happiness because they're different from each other, so it will mean something different for each of them. Rather, it's that two people will affect each other's happiness... and sadness.
[he pauses and tightens his hold on the counter ledge. The grooves of the tile dig on his fingers.]
I'm... glad, that you stayed with me. But in doing so, I also know that I might've taken you away from something else that might be important to you years from now. And whether or not you're happy affects my own contentment, especially because you're the one who understands me the most.
[he glanced away, swallowing the lump that had formed again in his throat.]
I don't want to alienate you that way if you decide you don't want stay as much in the future. Not after everything.
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it made sense. it made a lot of sense. what Watanuki said showed a great deal of compassion for Doumeki and how he felt. it showed that he was starting to rank...somewhere, on Watanuki's scale of people who mattered. still, he didn't understand. he couldn't seem to understand what it was he meant to Doumeki, in a way what kind of person Doumeki was.
he stood still, his head down a little, and then shook his head]
You don't understand. [his voice was soft, a little rough] The things in a normal person's life don't matter as much. [he swallowed, trying to verbalize what it was he felt, what he thought. it was difficult, one of the more difficult things he had done - how to explain to Watanuki that just getting a few smiles was enough to make up for every minute, every verbal rebuke, every shouting match and insult, every drop of blood, every hour in the rain, every night without sleep, every wound borne, the hours of worry, a quarter of his vision...]
You don't understand, Watanuki. My decision is already made. I only want to know how much of what I give you'll take.
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How much of what you give that I'll...
[it sounded different, the way Doumeki said it, more raw and deep and there, compared to the quietness or the anger or the frustration Doumeki had when they had gotten into conversations like this in the past.
'How much Doumeki gave.' It meant more than what Doumeki seemed to have offered before: his loyalty.
The image of the glass figurine and the fire appeared again in his mind's eye. Somehow, he was close to making sense of it.
And the flame seemed more intense.]
Doumeki. Help me understand.
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he tried to figure it out, as best he could, before finally speaking, his voice still low and rough]
I can't have anything with a normal life that is equal to what we've been having. [he swallowed hard, his eyes squeezing shut for a moment, then opening, lifting his chin to force himself to lock eyes with Watanuki] I can't make you understand if you're not ready to understand. [he swallows hard, just watching him] I tried. I tried many times.
[he can't force himself to say it, not again, not so soon after the Christmas thing, not yet. not at this moment.]
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[one of his hands fell limply at his side, and the other still remained at the counter's edge. Watanuki's heart squeezed when he heard the underlying emotions in Doumeki's voice - pain, frustration. The willingness to hope, the nearness to giving up.
A plea to understand.
Doumeki said it again, that this was what he had decided. This seemed like a heavier pledge -- more like a confession. Greater than simply saying that what he was giving up outside of the shop didn't matter because he had already decided on what to do.
He was saying that what Watanuki had was just as important as those. That he'd be as happy as if he would be if he had those, because Watanuki was...
Watanuki was them. As important as Doumeki's future, the friends he would have, the coworkers he would meet, family, and even --
Watanuki's heart pounded solidly in his chest as the lump in his throat seemed to make it difficult to breathe. The world was narrowed to this room where they stood, and the walls were the words that they said.]
I'm...
[he could hear himself breathing. it felt like being suspended in time.]
You're...
[it was difficult to say what he had guessed, or even to put it into words. The glass in his palms felt thinner. As if the slightest pressure would cause it to shatter.]
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