consultation 007 // [accidental video]
- shut it off, I told you to shut it off, shut it off!!
[Tonegawa's hand yanks back from where it flailed out at the laptop, clenched to knuckles threatening to burst through skin, and the glimpse of his face in profile is twisted with fear and horror and loathing; his eyes are fixed on some far point in the general direction of the door, but what ( Read more... )
[Tonegawa's hand yanks back from where it flailed out at the laptop, clenched to knuckles threatening to burst through skin, and the glimpse of his face in profile is twisted with fear and horror and loathing; his eyes are fixed on some far point in the general direction of the door, but what ( Read more... )
He’s seen that look, heard that desperate, hysteria before. The buzzwords- “electricity”, “fall”- only serve to confirm what he’s thinking. It’s been a year now but suddenly it feels like yesterday as the memories resurface before he can stop them, emerging from the darkest part of his mind like sharks from the blackest, deepest ocean.
A cold sweat spreads over him, rolling down his back, making his hands damp and clammy. His stomach twists.
He has no idea what’s going on but for some reason, he finds himself calling out, his body reacting ahead of his mind.]
T-Tonegawa…! [and then again, louder, voice cracking] Tonegawa-! Get a hold of yourself-! Calm down and focus!
[It barely registers that he’s used these words before. Back then, Tonegawa was on the other side of the beams.]
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Tonegawa doesn't respond for a long while, far longer than it took him to reply to anyone else. The irony is sickening; there's almost certainly some cosmic deity sneering at the role reversal, the fearful symmetry, the all-too-deliberate, fell swoop of karma.
He doesn't want to speak. He'd rather forget that Kaiji ever saw anything. There are ways to scramble for his pride before anyone else, but in front of Kaiji he's as vulnerable as a snail without a shell- the man understands both him and the situation with unmatched clarity.
He's stubbing out his fourth cigarette when he answers, and his voice is beyond tired.]
Save your breath, Itou.
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The irony of the situation only hit him afterwards and now he’s caught somewhere between disgust and pity, silently hating himself for ever drawing the comparison between Tonegawa and his companions. The more he thinks about it, the less comfortable he is with the fact that, deep down, he thinks of him in a similar way as them and has done ever since Hyodo-
No. It's not the time for that.]
… are you okay?
[Kaiji can’t look him in the eye.
He wants to ask the other man if he understands now but he won’t.]
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Fine. Perfectly fine.
[Sharply and uncomfortably spoken, as though coaxed out at gunpoint.]
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Don't gimme that- you're anything but "perfectly fine". What happened?
[As much as he tries to deny it, there's the slightest hint of concern there.]
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Don't you dare feel sorry for me. [He lights up again] You know damn well what happened. I can tell.
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He sits back, breathing out slowly.]
What would you like me to say, exactly?
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... I want to hear it from you. How did it feel? How did you feel?
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How can he describe it? The feeling that he was already falling whenever he looked down, spiralling in the pit of his stomach? The cage of air pinning him to the beam? The weight of his feet, at once secure and deadly?
Slowly, he draws the breath back and squares his shoulders again.]
It wasn't real.
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It wasn't. But the feelings were.
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... fine. I'll tell you about it. I'll sit here and I'll remind you of the worst moments of your life, and then you can tell yourself that it's justice and sleep easier knowing that I've had a taste of my own medicine, thanking fuck for some disembodied, imaginary system of reprisal. Is that it? Is that what you'd like to happen?
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[What did he want from that? To rub salt in the wound? For, as Tonegawa said, "justice"? He asked for that before and look how that turned out- Kaiji finds himself staring right at Tonegawa, trying to pick out the scar tissue. That's what he caused by asking for "justice". He wouldn't make that mistake again. So why-?
And then it hits him. Kaiji's eyes drop again, his voice suddenly very quiet.]
... no one else understands it. No one else can.
["The others are all dead" remains unspoken.]
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I don't want to talk about it. [His resistance is breaking down; the objection is feeble, by his standards.]
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[The cracks are starting to show. He could easily just turn off the NV, ignore him, yell at him- anything. But, for whatever reason, Tonegawa's still here. Maybe that's why he hasn't given up on this conversation yet.]
I'm not trying to guilt-trip you. We've been through this already. [awkwardly] But... but you're the only one here who knows what it's like. He- [he doesn't even want to hear that name right now]- hurt you as much as he hurt me.
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