I guess Im a functioning Disfunctional..
Well since apparently everyone is still Livejournaling it, here it goes. Happy reading.
I hate how certain movies and songs can dig straight through your emotional barriers, right to the heart of every problem you have. I woke up this moring only to realize that when my mother is not around, my dad will not do one family related, or even fun, thing. He doesnt cook, he doesnt .. idont know, do anything! He sits on the couch and watches tv till he falls asleep, or he gets up and reads the paper, or looks at the job listings on the computer, and gets mad because he doesnt know how to use the lap top properly. He does laundry and then gets mad when he drops a sock. He goes out to clean the garage and gets mad because the dogs want to play with him while he is working. She went to stay at a friends beach house last night. The one weekend we finally have free to do whatever, and she chooses to go away... alone, and leave us here to clean, or whatever. Then the second she gets back, she is yelling about how nothing gets done unless she does it, or how we are all pigs and she is sick of living in a pig sty. And even if what is wrong with her is not my fault, She still takes it out on everyone including me. She is rude and she yells at everything and treats us like we are worthless. And then she expects me to go get her robe and slippers for her becuase she is cold and doesnt want to get off her ass and get it herself. Or to go make sure the printer is on so she can print the E - tickets for our tour, and because she is doing this "for me" i should just go and do it with no arguing. So we finally have one evening when everyone is home, and julie is mad at mom for the yelling, and all Mom wants to do is sit on the couch and watch tv or a movie, and wants my dad to sit next to her. But he has to put away the left overs, and she is ordering him to come sit down, and so he gets annoyed. WHAT THE FUCK!?! I am so sick and tired of constantly walking on egg shells around everyone in this house. With mom its making sure she feels loved and needed, just as long as you obey her every bidding. With Dad its fuckling EVERYTHING. With Julie, its making sure she and mom arent at it, or she and dad arent at it, or she is mad at the mexicans, or she is mad at her friends, but she is always mad at something. And the second she isnt, Mom will say something to get her to be mad again, whether intentional or not, she still does it. I am sick of worring about whether or not one or the other of the parents is just going to pick up and leave. Im sick of walking into the room in the middle of one of their "relationship" talks and have them silent till I leave again. I am fucking sick of the fact that no one will tell me anything to my face, they always go through someone else.
I hate that I am so much like my dad. I hate that he resents me for something, I dont know what. I hate that he shows his love to everyone but me in normal ways, but with me it comes out as a wisecrack about something im already really sensitive about, or some backhanded way of letting me know that I have done something wrong, and that its ok but dont do it again. Never straight out though. I hate that everytime he gets mad, i worry about him having a heart attack and dying. I hate that my mom says,"calm down or you'll give yourself a heart attack" I hate hearing it. I hate that when i move away, it will kill my mother, and i hate worring about how she will take it. I hate worrying about how depressed she is, and how depressed Dad is, and worrying whether or not they are both going to comit suicide or not. I hate how much I would like to be mad at Julie for being so miserable all the time, but I cant. I hate how she seems to think there is no good in the world. I hate that she is ten times the cynic I ever was. I hate that I worry about how she is going to live her life, and I hate that she worries about me because then i really can be mad at her and yet she makes me so angry! I watched When a Man Loves a Woman, and even though that family is not mine, every part of it that was disfunctional I could recognize and empathize with.
I hate that greys anatomy wasnt on tonight, instead that new show life of brian or whatever its called was on. I hate that I watched it and liked it. I hate that it brought up one more subject that I Hate. Its about a guy, and all of his friends are either married or have a serious relationship except for him. I love my friends, and i could not live without them, but no one understands how hard it is to watch them all find these increadable, loving, and passionate relationships and then have me, the cheese stands alone my friends... the cheese stands alone. I wanted to write a poem about all of this, but I couldnt convey my frustrations to anything, I couldnt put them to poetic words.... I hate that too.
In addition, I hate how no one is going to read this and How I give myself these delusions that people actually care.
I hate how certain movies and songs can dig straight through your emotional barriers, right to the heart of every problem you have. I woke up this moring only to realize that when my mother is not around, my dad will not do one family related, or even fun, thing. He doesnt cook, he doesnt .. idont know, do anything! He sits on the couch and watches tv till he falls asleep, or he gets up and reads the paper, or looks at the job listings on the computer, and gets mad because he doesnt know how to use the lap top properly. He does laundry and then gets mad when he drops a sock. He goes out to clean the garage and gets mad because the dogs want to play with him while he is working. She went to stay at a friends beach house last night. The one weekend we finally have free to do whatever, and she chooses to go away... alone, and leave us here to clean, or whatever. Then the second she gets back, she is yelling about how nothing gets done unless she does it, or how we are all pigs and she is sick of living in a pig sty. And even if what is wrong with her is not my fault, She still takes it out on everyone including me. She is rude and she yells at everything and treats us like we are worthless. And then she expects me to go get her robe and slippers for her becuase she is cold and doesnt want to get off her ass and get it herself. Or to go make sure the printer is on so she can print the E - tickets for our tour, and because she is doing this "for me" i should just go and do it with no arguing. So we finally have one evening when everyone is home, and julie is mad at mom for the yelling, and all Mom wants to do is sit on the couch and watch tv or a movie, and wants my dad to sit next to her. But he has to put away the left overs, and she is ordering him to come sit down, and so he gets annoyed. WHAT THE FUCK!?! I am so sick and tired of constantly walking on egg shells around everyone in this house. With mom its making sure she feels loved and needed, just as long as you obey her every bidding. With Dad its fuckling EVERYTHING. With Julie, its making sure she and mom arent at it, or she and dad arent at it, or she is mad at the mexicans, or she is mad at her friends, but she is always mad at something. And the second she isnt, Mom will say something to get her to be mad again, whether intentional or not, she still does it. I am sick of worring about whether or not one or the other of the parents is just going to pick up and leave. Im sick of walking into the room in the middle of one of their "relationship" talks and have them silent till I leave again. I am fucking sick of the fact that no one will tell me anything to my face, they always go through someone else.
I hate that I am so much like my dad. I hate that he resents me for something, I dont know what. I hate that he shows his love to everyone but me in normal ways, but with me it comes out as a wisecrack about something im already really sensitive about, or some backhanded way of letting me know that I have done something wrong, and that its ok but dont do it again. Never straight out though. I hate that everytime he gets mad, i worry about him having a heart attack and dying. I hate that my mom says,"calm down or you'll give yourself a heart attack" I hate hearing it. I hate that when i move away, it will kill my mother, and i hate worring about how she will take it. I hate worrying about how depressed she is, and how depressed Dad is, and worrying whether or not they are both going to comit suicide or not. I hate how much I would like to be mad at Julie for being so miserable all the time, but I cant. I hate how she seems to think there is no good in the world. I hate that she is ten times the cynic I ever was. I hate that I worry about how she is going to live her life, and I hate that she worries about me because then i really can be mad at her and yet she makes me so angry! I watched When a Man Loves a Woman, and even though that family is not mine, every part of it that was disfunctional I could recognize and empathize with.
I hate that greys anatomy wasnt on tonight, instead that new show life of brian or whatever its called was on. I hate that I watched it and liked it. I hate that it brought up one more subject that I Hate. Its about a guy, and all of his friends are either married or have a serious relationship except for him. I love my friends, and i could not live without them, but no one understands how hard it is to watch them all find these increadable, loving, and passionate relationships and then have me, the cheese stands alone my friends... the cheese stands alone. I wanted to write a poem about all of this, but I couldnt convey my frustrations to anything, I couldnt put them to poetic words.... I hate that too.
In addition, I hate how no one is going to read this and How I give myself these delusions that people actually care.