(no subject)
It's been two years since my last confession...
A lot has happened these past couple of years. When my son was first born, I used to think that everything was going to be okay. I had such a determination for everything to be the way that I wanted it, that I just assumed it would be. Looking back now, I realize that I often encompass that attitude with everything. When I was in Summer Option Studio for Architecture, I literally had no plan B if I didn't make the cut. I just automatically knew I would make it. And quite honestly that might have been the only reason I made it. But now it seems as if that arrogant cloud that has followed me all these years is more like naiveté. I'm not sure if that is because I am becoming wiser with age, or if I am becoming more cynical. Perhaps today is a bad day.
But as I lay my son down to sleep, I have to blink back the tears from the fear of the future. This is the first time that I have truly been afraid of the future. I absolutely do not know where I will be in three years. I am afraid that I will lose everything. And I really don't have much, as sad as that is. I have put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into the very limited amount of things I do have. I really hope that everything that I have done for myself, my son, my husband, my family is not a waste of time. I took a year off, and when I came back I was rejuvenated and ready to finish my education, but by the end of this year I was questioning my ability. It's uncharted territory. I don't know any architects. No one in my family is an architect. I have no idea if it is going to work out for me. And that is the scariest part about it. Here I am in the middle of my education for architecture and I don't know if my hard work and determination is going to pay off. That is so reassuring...
And my whole family is suffering. Stephen and Arlen are both sacrificing everything so that I can stay and finish school. Stephen's dad said to me a few weeks ago that Stephen "allows" me to go to school. And at first it sort of offended me. But after thinking about it, I realize that it is partially true. I mean he could just not get a job and be a bum and force me to drop out and get a job. And I am really appreciative of him for "allowing" me to finish school. I recognize the sacrifices that he has made so that I could finish. But, If it came down to the wire, I could definitely finish school without him. I think.
I am starting to sense that Stephen resents me for going to school. I know that he struggles with all the stress of being the sole provider for the family. I think he resents that I am going to school to achieve a better life and that he doesn't get to do that. And I feel guilty. But at the same time, I have been working on this degree since before I graduated high school. I am almost done and it would be stupid to stop now. I hope he understands that I am just trying to help us live a better life.
Having nothing really humbles a person. Now, I don't have to be rich or famous to be successful. I just want to be secure. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it does buy peace of mind.
I have been thinking lately about how I might need therapy. I literally do not have any friends. THe only person I have to talk to is my husband, and as much as we argue it doesn't seem like we are friends. I have buried myself in school and being a mother that I make sure I don't have time for friends. It gets really lonely when I look up and realize that. I kind of self diagnosed myself as having trust issues. And it is really crazy of how far back I think it goes. I am pretty sure it started with Jen. When my mom found out about us, she didn't confront me. She told her mom right in front of me and I had no idea it was coming. I was 14, maybe 15. I felt so betrayed. She was essentially telling my deepest darkest secret at the time. I remember not being able to breathe and going cold and after that moment I lost all trust in my parents. Maybe that was when I subconsciously vowed never to reveal anything to them again. But I definitely think that day was the day that I was forced to grow up. I had a cold stinging splash of maturity dumped in my face. I don't think I have ever been able to just casually talk about my personal life, problems etc to them since then. And over the years I have become more and more introverted and now that I have to be able to communicate my ideas about my designs, I can't do it. I have been holding in everything that is personal because I don't have any friends that I trust enough to talk to about it. All the friends that I used to trust are in a different place than me. I don't have anyone that I can relate to. Unrelatable. That is the word that best describes my feelings. I don't know anyone who is in my shoes. And that is what makes it so hard to talk to anyone. Because I want to talk to someone who understands and who could help me get through it, or give me advice. But lately all I've been getting is unwanted advice.
I wonder if I am going to make it in this life.
I have not been this depressed in a long time. I don't want to ruin my son's life by being depressed. I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to trust people again. I don't want to have to worry or constantly think about the bad things. I need something good to happen to us. I need something so good to happen that it cancels out all of the bad that has ever happened. And there has been a lot of bad to happen the last few years. But I can't trust you enough to tell you. This time.
A lot has happened these past couple of years. When my son was first born, I used to think that everything was going to be okay. I had such a determination for everything to be the way that I wanted it, that I just assumed it would be. Looking back now, I realize that I often encompass that attitude with everything. When I was in Summer Option Studio for Architecture, I literally had no plan B if I didn't make the cut. I just automatically knew I would make it. And quite honestly that might have been the only reason I made it. But now it seems as if that arrogant cloud that has followed me all these years is more like naiveté. I'm not sure if that is because I am becoming wiser with age, or if I am becoming more cynical. Perhaps today is a bad day.
But as I lay my son down to sleep, I have to blink back the tears from the fear of the future. This is the first time that I have truly been afraid of the future. I absolutely do not know where I will be in three years. I am afraid that I will lose everything. And I really don't have much, as sad as that is. I have put a lot of blood, sweat and tears into the very limited amount of things I do have. I really hope that everything that I have done for myself, my son, my husband, my family is not a waste of time. I took a year off, and when I came back I was rejuvenated and ready to finish my education, but by the end of this year I was questioning my ability. It's uncharted territory. I don't know any architects. No one in my family is an architect. I have no idea if it is going to work out for me. And that is the scariest part about it. Here I am in the middle of my education for architecture and I don't know if my hard work and determination is going to pay off. That is so reassuring...
And my whole family is suffering. Stephen and Arlen are both sacrificing everything so that I can stay and finish school. Stephen's dad said to me a few weeks ago that Stephen "allows" me to go to school. And at first it sort of offended me. But after thinking about it, I realize that it is partially true. I mean he could just not get a job and be a bum and force me to drop out and get a job. And I am really appreciative of him for "allowing" me to finish school. I recognize the sacrifices that he has made so that I could finish. But, If it came down to the wire, I could definitely finish school without him. I think.
I am starting to sense that Stephen resents me for going to school. I know that he struggles with all the stress of being the sole provider for the family. I think he resents that I am going to school to achieve a better life and that he doesn't get to do that. And I feel guilty. But at the same time, I have been working on this degree since before I graduated high school. I am almost done and it would be stupid to stop now. I hope he understands that I am just trying to help us live a better life.
Having nothing really humbles a person. Now, I don't have to be rich or famous to be successful. I just want to be secure. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it does buy peace of mind.
I have been thinking lately about how I might need therapy. I literally do not have any friends. THe only person I have to talk to is my husband, and as much as we argue it doesn't seem like we are friends. I have buried myself in school and being a mother that I make sure I don't have time for friends. It gets really lonely when I look up and realize that. I kind of self diagnosed myself as having trust issues. And it is really crazy of how far back I think it goes. I am pretty sure it started with Jen. When my mom found out about us, she didn't confront me. She told her mom right in front of me and I had no idea it was coming. I was 14, maybe 15. I felt so betrayed. She was essentially telling my deepest darkest secret at the time. I remember not being able to breathe and going cold and after that moment I lost all trust in my parents. Maybe that was when I subconsciously vowed never to reveal anything to them again. But I definitely think that day was the day that I was forced to grow up. I had a cold stinging splash of maturity dumped in my face. I don't think I have ever been able to just casually talk about my personal life, problems etc to them since then. And over the years I have become more and more introverted and now that I have to be able to communicate my ideas about my designs, I can't do it. I have been holding in everything that is personal because I don't have any friends that I trust enough to talk to about it. All the friends that I used to trust are in a different place than me. I don't have anyone that I can relate to. Unrelatable. That is the word that best describes my feelings. I don't know anyone who is in my shoes. And that is what makes it so hard to talk to anyone. Because I want to talk to someone who understands and who could help me get through it, or give me advice. But lately all I've been getting is unwanted advice.
I wonder if I am going to make it in this life.
I have not been this depressed in a long time. I don't want to ruin my son's life by being depressed. I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to trust people again. I don't want to have to worry or constantly think about the bad things. I need something good to happen to us. I need something so good to happen that it cancels out all of the bad that has ever happened. And there has been a lot of bad to happen the last few years. But I can't trust you enough to tell you. This time.