(no subject)
Day 51 of happily ever after
51 days sounds like a really long time! Its really only been almost two months...but saying 51 days seems much longer...Even though it feels like we've been married for years. Because we act exactly the same as we did before we were married. But I know we're married now though...less sex. Haha. I can't be sure it is just because we are married though. I was almost 8 months pregnant when we got married...and let me be the first to tell you that sex at 8 months pregnant is not exactly comfortable or sexy. Unfortunately it is more of a turn off.
I have been truly blessed with this entire pregnancy. I have been extremely lucky not to suffer from morning sickness. With the exception of a few times because of my heightened gag reflex, I literally have felt like a normal person. It wasn't until I was 22 weeks pregnant that I first felt my baby move. I didn't start showing until I was almost 30 weeks pregnant. It has been an unbelievably easy pregnancy. Which kind of scares me, I'm anticipating a really difficult delivery. So it kind of makes sense that I have a severely decreased libido. I mean I have had hardly any problems, except for my kidney stone, no weird cravings. Intimacy is the only thing that has changed significantly. I literally get flaming mad whenever Stephen tries to initiate sex. I don't know what it is. I don't want to be cuddled at night, I don't want to be touched too long. The slightest brush against my skin will send a spark through my veins and I can feel my blood boil. It is the strangest thing. Along with such a violent reaction, on the RARE occasion that I actually let him touch me in a sexual way, it is so painful to have sex. There is a 50% blood volume increase during pregnancy, and do you know where that goes? To the vagina and boobs. I am so swollen down there (lol) that I swear it is like clamped shut. Stephen describes it as fucking a brick wall...It's like I'm back to being a virgin. Actually I don't even remember being that tight the first time I ever had sex.
Maybe I'd be more interested in having sex if Stephen would consider the rest of my body. It may seem odd, but I actually have two arms and two legs. My back and my head are always available. To him I'm like a walking vagina with boobs. Nothing else. I don't know...it's not that I can't get horny...it is just that he isn't really willing to take the time to get me there. Whereas before I could be horny and ready to go with just a few strokes on the right spot. Now, it takes like two hours just to talk myself into not smacking him in the face for touching my leg. Another two to get used to it, and then two more hours to actually finish the sex because we go so slow. Lol. It is really pitiful.
I do have to say that with the sex thing, Stephen is actually really patient about it in the general sense. It is more like really persistant and annoying, but I guess it could be described as patient. I mean he hasn't given up and gone to someone else for that. That is always good news. He does pout a little when I get pissed and swat him away for the fiftieth time that day. But in about two hours, he is trying it again...lol He tells me all the time that he can't wait until the baby is born so we can have rough sex. And that "I'm going to get it" when that time comes...lol. I feel bad for him because that won't be at least until three months from now...After delivery, there is no sex allowed for at least six weeks. But then again, I seriously doubt there will be time for sex, let's not mention that it probably won't even be thought about. Who knows. Stephen will probably be thinking about having sex the day after I give birth.
I've rambled on about sex for a good 500 words. Moving on.
I've been packing our things for the past week and a half. Turns out, we have a lot of shit, for not having shit. There are more clothes in this apartment than I know what to do with. I've been trying to wash everything because we wont have a dryer in the new apartment we are moving to. Which by the way is all the way in Montgomery. So good news for me, I get to drive to and from school everyday for an hour and a half. Anyway, we have a washing machine and dryer, but the connection in the new apartment is for electric...and our dryer is gas...so that blows. We are going to have to come up with the money for a new dryer or figure out something. The money is a whole other issue now. Which neither one of us anticipated. Being married is actually expensive...add a new baby and that doubles the cost of living.
Because Stephen is only in the reserves, that doesn't bring in much money. He has a new job, and for someone who doesn't have a wife and a kid on the way or a college degree, it is a damn good job. But there is no raise opportunity, the benefits are there, but you still have to pay out of the ass for them if you have a family. And the cost for these benefits are actually cheap compared to what the rest of the world is paying for them. Stephen was so excited about this job, and he has only been there a month and a half and he is realizing that growing up isn't cheap. And there is no room for growth in this job. He is so unhappy about his career right now. It is so sad to watch. After a month of this new job he was already talking about another job. He wants to join the Police Academy now. He wanted to be in the military, but he wanted to be active duty. He jumped into it so fast which made it happen so fast. He tells me that he wished he never listened to anyone when they told him that the Air Guard was so great. When he announced that he was joining the military his dad immediately stepped in and did everything for him, and Stephen really didn't get what he thought he was getting. I think Stephen just wants to make his own decisions on his own terms. And he has that right as an adult. His whole life has been nothing but his parents telling him what to do, and I think by joining the military, Stephen thought he could finally get that freedom. But two years down the road he realized that it was just his parents telling him what to do again.
He hasn't mentioned this police thing to his parents yet. I'm sure they will be just as pissed as they were when he told them he wanted to join the military. Surprisingly, I'm not really that upset that he wants to be a policeman. It is so exhausting to keep up with his career changes. I mean it is literally one thing after another. But after him talking to me about it, and seeing how unhappy he is, I just want him to be happy. And if that means he has to put himself in danger everyday to make himself happy, then so be it. Plus it is a pay increase. And that always helps.
We are just in a really tight spot right now. I'm still in school for another three years, so its not like I'm graduating in a year like everyone else my age. And he has to pay the bills, so he can't go to school until after I get out. And who knows if he even will want to go to school. It is all so stressful. Growing up sucks. Bills suck. And annoying in laws suck too.
On a much happier note, the nursery set has finally come in. I'm really excited about that. I'm just excited that we will get to decorate the nursery, hopefully this little guy will stay in the oven for a few more weeks so I can get it all done after we move. We still need a rocking chair and a travel system. More money that we don't have.
I'm supposed to get a baby shower, but my mom hasn't really been on top of that. And I don't have a lot for the baby. I was kind of counting on the baby shower to get the majority of the stuff I needed. But the days are getting fewer before the baby will be here. And I just don't think I will get one...I almost want to cry about it.
Maybe it is all the hormones...but I sure am feeling anxious about everything lately. I wish people would just understand that I want everything in order BEFORE the baby is here. There won't be any time for anything after that. Plus I don't want to deal with any drama. And I will be the biggest bitch if there is.
One more thing. My fingers are officially always swollen and I can no longer wear my wedding rings comfortably without cutting off circulation. Sad day.
51 days married.
37 weeks pregnant.
3 weeks until Dday
1/2 second from losing my mind.
I just want to add that I am thankful for all the good things I do have in my life. I spend a lot of time complaining about the shitty things, and its easy to forget all the good ones. I am thankful for my husband who is only human and gets on my nerves...a lot. I really do love and appreciate him. I am thankful for a healthy pregnancy. I am thankful for the job that barely pays the bills and allows us to have an opportunity for a roof over our heads, shoes under our feet and a place for our soon to be born son to lay his sweet head down at night. I am thankful for the support that we do have, and the strength to ignore the negativity that seems to present itself more often than not. And I am thankful to be alive and healthy and have such a desire to live and make myself better.
51 days sounds like a really long time! Its really only been almost two months...but saying 51 days seems much longer...Even though it feels like we've been married for years. Because we act exactly the same as we did before we were married. But I know we're married now though...less sex. Haha. I can't be sure it is just because we are married though. I was almost 8 months pregnant when we got married...and let me be the first to tell you that sex at 8 months pregnant is not exactly comfortable or sexy. Unfortunately it is more of a turn off.
I have been truly blessed with this entire pregnancy. I have been extremely lucky not to suffer from morning sickness. With the exception of a few times because of my heightened gag reflex, I literally have felt like a normal person. It wasn't until I was 22 weeks pregnant that I first felt my baby move. I didn't start showing until I was almost 30 weeks pregnant. It has been an unbelievably easy pregnancy. Which kind of scares me, I'm anticipating a really difficult delivery. So it kind of makes sense that I have a severely decreased libido. I mean I have had hardly any problems, except for my kidney stone, no weird cravings. Intimacy is the only thing that has changed significantly. I literally get flaming mad whenever Stephen tries to initiate sex. I don't know what it is. I don't want to be cuddled at night, I don't want to be touched too long. The slightest brush against my skin will send a spark through my veins and I can feel my blood boil. It is the strangest thing. Along with such a violent reaction, on the RARE occasion that I actually let him touch me in a sexual way, it is so painful to have sex. There is a 50% blood volume increase during pregnancy, and do you know where that goes? To the vagina and boobs. I am so swollen down there (lol) that I swear it is like clamped shut. Stephen describes it as fucking a brick wall...It's like I'm back to being a virgin. Actually I don't even remember being that tight the first time I ever had sex.
Maybe I'd be more interested in having sex if Stephen would consider the rest of my body. It may seem odd, but I actually have two arms and two legs. My back and my head are always available. To him I'm like a walking vagina with boobs. Nothing else. I don't know...it's not that I can't get horny...it is just that he isn't really willing to take the time to get me there. Whereas before I could be horny and ready to go with just a few strokes on the right spot. Now, it takes like two hours just to talk myself into not smacking him in the face for touching my leg. Another two to get used to it, and then two more hours to actually finish the sex because we go so slow. Lol. It is really pitiful.
I do have to say that with the sex thing, Stephen is actually really patient about it in the general sense. It is more like really persistant and annoying, but I guess it could be described as patient. I mean he hasn't given up and gone to someone else for that. That is always good news. He does pout a little when I get pissed and swat him away for the fiftieth time that day. But in about two hours, he is trying it again...lol He tells me all the time that he can't wait until the baby is born so we can have rough sex. And that "I'm going to get it" when that time comes...lol. I feel bad for him because that won't be at least until three months from now...After delivery, there is no sex allowed for at least six weeks. But then again, I seriously doubt there will be time for sex, let's not mention that it probably won't even be thought about. Who knows. Stephen will probably be thinking about having sex the day after I give birth.
I've rambled on about sex for a good 500 words. Moving on.
I've been packing our things for the past week and a half. Turns out, we have a lot of shit, for not having shit. There are more clothes in this apartment than I know what to do with. I've been trying to wash everything because we wont have a dryer in the new apartment we are moving to. Which by the way is all the way in Montgomery. So good news for me, I get to drive to and from school everyday for an hour and a half. Anyway, we have a washing machine and dryer, but the connection in the new apartment is for electric...and our dryer is gas...so that blows. We are going to have to come up with the money for a new dryer or figure out something. The money is a whole other issue now. Which neither one of us anticipated. Being married is actually expensive...add a new baby and that doubles the cost of living.
Because Stephen is only in the reserves, that doesn't bring in much money. He has a new job, and for someone who doesn't have a wife and a kid on the way or a college degree, it is a damn good job. But there is no raise opportunity, the benefits are there, but you still have to pay out of the ass for them if you have a family. And the cost for these benefits are actually cheap compared to what the rest of the world is paying for them. Stephen was so excited about this job, and he has only been there a month and a half and he is realizing that growing up isn't cheap. And there is no room for growth in this job. He is so unhappy about his career right now. It is so sad to watch. After a month of this new job he was already talking about another job. He wants to join the Police Academy now. He wanted to be in the military, but he wanted to be active duty. He jumped into it so fast which made it happen so fast. He tells me that he wished he never listened to anyone when they told him that the Air Guard was so great. When he announced that he was joining the military his dad immediately stepped in and did everything for him, and Stephen really didn't get what he thought he was getting. I think Stephen just wants to make his own decisions on his own terms. And he has that right as an adult. His whole life has been nothing but his parents telling him what to do, and I think by joining the military, Stephen thought he could finally get that freedom. But two years down the road he realized that it was just his parents telling him what to do again.
He hasn't mentioned this police thing to his parents yet. I'm sure they will be just as pissed as they were when he told them he wanted to join the military. Surprisingly, I'm not really that upset that he wants to be a policeman. It is so exhausting to keep up with his career changes. I mean it is literally one thing after another. But after him talking to me about it, and seeing how unhappy he is, I just want him to be happy. And if that means he has to put himself in danger everyday to make himself happy, then so be it. Plus it is a pay increase. And that always helps.
We are just in a really tight spot right now. I'm still in school for another three years, so its not like I'm graduating in a year like everyone else my age. And he has to pay the bills, so he can't go to school until after I get out. And who knows if he even will want to go to school. It is all so stressful. Growing up sucks. Bills suck. And annoying in laws suck too.
On a much happier note, the nursery set has finally come in. I'm really excited about that. I'm just excited that we will get to decorate the nursery, hopefully this little guy will stay in the oven for a few more weeks so I can get it all done after we move. We still need a rocking chair and a travel system. More money that we don't have.
I'm supposed to get a baby shower, but my mom hasn't really been on top of that. And I don't have a lot for the baby. I was kind of counting on the baby shower to get the majority of the stuff I needed. But the days are getting fewer before the baby will be here. And I just don't think I will get one...I almost want to cry about it.
Maybe it is all the hormones...but I sure am feeling anxious about everything lately. I wish people would just understand that I want everything in order BEFORE the baby is here. There won't be any time for anything after that. Plus I don't want to deal with any drama. And I will be the biggest bitch if there is.
One more thing. My fingers are officially always swollen and I can no longer wear my wedding rings comfortably without cutting off circulation. Sad day.
51 days married.
37 weeks pregnant.
3 weeks until Dday
1/2 second from losing my mind.
I just want to add that I am thankful for all the good things I do have in my life. I spend a lot of time complaining about the shitty things, and its easy to forget all the good ones. I am thankful for my husband who is only human and gets on my nerves...a lot. I really do love and appreciate him. I am thankful for a healthy pregnancy. I am thankful for the job that barely pays the bills and allows us to have an opportunity for a roof over our heads, shoes under our feet and a place for our soon to be born son to lay his sweet head down at night. I am thankful for the support that we do have, and the strength to ignore the negativity that seems to present itself more often than not. And I am thankful to be alive and healthy and have such a desire to live and make myself better.