Perhaps it's just imagination
I couldn't sleep more than a couple hours last night.
I finally closed the computer after doing some research on the specific type of tumor I have when I read that THIS type of tumor is more likely to be cancerous than the other type.
I was just doing a little research on what was going on, what they might do about it, why, maybe everything's so out of whack the last six or so months in the menstrual dept. But I wasn't freaked out.
I wasn't even freaked out when the doctor called and told me what the u/s had showed. I was more mystified than anything. Like I said, I expected it to be completely negative; totally normal. I figured all the bleeding, the anemia, etc was from severe dysmenorrhea or endometriosis.
The more I thought about it, the more I wondered why the hell I wasn't reacting in full-fledged Noelle Freak Out Mode.
The more I wondered why I wasn't freaking out, the more I worried (yes, I know that's ironic) that something bad is really going on because I ALWAYS freak out (worry) about every little thing, yet this potentially BIG thing wasn't doing anything to stir up that panic in me.
I had thoughts of the Seinfeld episode were George decides his life is awful so he's going to do everything exactly opposite of what "the old George" would have done and things start working out for him. Am I George, but instead of getting chicks by telling them I'm unemployed and live with my parents, just really teetering on the end of what is going to turn out to be something truly horrible?
I didn't think much about any of this until I woke up after a tiny bit of sleep (bummer of being a night shift worker: on your nights off your sleep pattern/days are SO messed up) and realized all the dreams I had had were of awful things happening to people I love.
That's when I started thinking over my reaction to all of this: I am already freaking out about an evaluation at work on Friday, but finding out I have a tumor doesn't faze me?
Then I went back to the what I had read just before going to sleep, the part about my type of tumor having a higher rate of malignancy than the other.
Then I thought about my inability to gain weight even when I freakin' TRY!
Then I thought about my great-grandmother dying of uterine cancer.
Then I thought about how I am always right about my instincts about my life and I've always just known I am not going to die old. I never knew why I thought this or how it was going to end (well, for a while there I assumed some day I'd just give in to the depression that was tormenting me and "snuff it, but that's passed for now.) I didn't know if I'd be in a horrible car accident, finally piss someone off enough that they put a hit out on me, or die of a disease like the Big C. I just have always known I'm not going to get old. (And, no, it's not the Peter Pan, I'll-never-grow-up thing.)
My instincts about how my life is going to turn out...things that are going to occur, have always been right. And they've been things that have stuck with me a long, long time. And this is one of them I've had as long as I can remember.
Shit! I had better get my novel done before I fuckin' bite the big one!
I finally closed the computer after doing some research on the specific type of tumor I have when I read that THIS type of tumor is more likely to be cancerous than the other type.
I was just doing a little research on what was going on, what they might do about it, why, maybe everything's so out of whack the last six or so months in the menstrual dept. But I wasn't freaked out.
I wasn't even freaked out when the doctor called and told me what the u/s had showed. I was more mystified than anything. Like I said, I expected it to be completely negative; totally normal. I figured all the bleeding, the anemia, etc was from severe dysmenorrhea or endometriosis.
The more I thought about it, the more I wondered why the hell I wasn't reacting in full-fledged Noelle Freak Out Mode.
The more I wondered why I wasn't freaking out, the more I worried (yes, I know that's ironic) that something bad is really going on because I ALWAYS freak out (worry) about every little thing, yet this potentially BIG thing wasn't doing anything to stir up that panic in me.
I had thoughts of the Seinfeld episode were George decides his life is awful so he's going to do everything exactly opposite of what "the old George" would have done and things start working out for him. Am I George, but instead of getting chicks by telling them I'm unemployed and live with my parents, just really teetering on the end of what is going to turn out to be something truly horrible?
I didn't think much about any of this until I woke up after a tiny bit of sleep (bummer of being a night shift worker: on your nights off your sleep pattern/days are SO messed up) and realized all the dreams I had had were of awful things happening to people I love.
That's when I started thinking over my reaction to all of this: I am already freaking out about an evaluation at work on Friday, but finding out I have a tumor doesn't faze me?
Then I went back to the what I had read just before going to sleep, the part about my type of tumor having a higher rate of malignancy than the other.
Then I thought about my inability to gain weight even when I freakin' TRY!
Then I thought about my great-grandmother dying of uterine cancer.
Then I thought about how I am always right about my instincts about my life and I've always just known I am not going to die old. I never knew why I thought this or how it was going to end (well, for a while there I assumed some day I'd just give in to the depression that was tormenting me and "snuff it, but that's passed for now.) I didn't know if I'd be in a horrible car accident, finally piss someone off enough that they put a hit out on me, or die of a disease like the Big C. I just have always known I'm not going to get old. (And, no, it's not the Peter Pan, I'll-never-grow-up thing.)
My instincts about how my life is going to turn out...things that are going to occur, have always been right. And they've been things that have stuck with me a long, long time. And this is one of them I've had as long as I can remember.
Shit! I had better get my novel done before I fuckin' bite the big one!