Jun 16, 2007 17:38
I asked everyone if they wanted to come and congratulate you in person but they we're and keen as I was.
Then I creid because I felt you needed to know how happy we are for you.
But it wasn't your need to be told, it wa my need to tell you.
Then I was upset because I don't want it to be my need.
And I don't really know why.
I think I'm scared to have things change.
I need to know I can cope without you I guess.
It's weird because I'm over emotional anyway,
mostly 'cos I'm under stress, and also on the blob.
Everything's just so close to the surface right now.
I don't like it.
Maybe it's because I haven't relaly let out my sadness about leaving school.
I sort of want to save it up till the leavers cerimony though,
I don't want to be crying about leaving school right now.
I don't want to be this emotional all the time,
I don't want to be sad at every goodbye.
There's so much going on, so many reasons to be sad
and I don't want to let them out right now.
Not because I can't cope with it, or because I'm scared about letting it go,
but because I'm tired of crying at things.
I'm tired of hating "goodbye"
I do look forward to change,
I guess I'd never really thought these things would.
I'm too fragile to be dealing with all this at once.
I just want to get one thing done at a time.
I guess also I'm getting closer and closer to
the point where I have to realise my one single biggest dream
is never going to come true.
"Some dreams are the ones that come true, and some are the ones we need to keep us going."
I so badly don't want to have to face this dream being unfulfillable.
Also I don't want Zara to have sex before I do.
But that's such a stupid and pointless
and it's not only silly to worry about, but it's unfair to put myself throug this stress.
It's going to happen.
It doesn't make me less the older sister, or less attractive or less wanted.
It's just the difference between her being in a relationship and me not.
I hate how no matter what, I've put this pressure on myself
and I can't take it away.
uggh.
xx
my family,
my life