(no subject)
Fuck fuck fuck... yet another dream about making up with Jon. Why? Why can't I just accept the way things are and just let it be? Two reasons: 1) you don't speand nearly a decade hanging out with a guy for lack of better activities and 2) I'm a good person. Now, at least.
For those of you who don't know, Jon was my best friend in all the world for seven(ish) years. Sure we had our differences, we had our disagreements, but not once did I ever say, "He's different. I can't be his friend anymore." That all changed about a year or so ago. I was without internet access at my place, so I was over at my dad's using the computer. It had been a very shitty day/week, and I was in a less than stellar mindset. I'm checking my email, and I see that Jon has sent me an email. At this point Jon's off in Kuwait, so emails from him are next to nil since, as it was explained to me, computer and net access was severely limited. I open it to find that he wants me to go to the website of an individual with cancer. Seems that if the person doesn't get enough hits, the site will be taken down and this person's source of donations will be lost, or whatever it was. But, being in the state of mind that I was in at the time, rather than just open the link, provide the hit to the site, and then just close the window, I fire back an email stating approximately, "Brother? Bro? Brohiem? There are many good causes that I choose to ignore." There was something else after that, I can't remember if I asked him to not send me stuff like that again or what, I just recall that there was more. A day so later he fires one my way claiming all sorts of shit and invoking Dan, claiming that I must've forgotten him. Clarification: Dan is Jon's brother who was the only person in that family that was trying to be the peacemaker rather than starting a dispute with the first person he could find. He is extremely well-liked by nearly everyone he ever met. Dan also did me a great favor and bought a book for me from Amazon (my first online purchase,) for which I promptly reimbursed him the costs. Weeks later, Dan died of cancer; leukemia, if I recall correctly. I still carry a lump of shame and guilt in my heart because the day of Dan's funeral, I had to work, and my boss refused to let me take off. I'm ashamed I didn't just quit on the spot. So there it was, he'd effectively razed the longest freindship I'd ever had to the ground in about the span of three paragraphs. Since that email, he's not sent me any more, and the once, perhaps twice, I've spoken to him on AIM he's been hostile and confrontational. And I've been told by other friends that he's spurned lately that I'm not the only one. Some blame his joining the military, others blame his girlfriend. I can only blame Jon and myself, for no matter the outside forces, it was our choices that wrought this situation. And only by our choices will it ever be mended. My choice was made long ago to try to mend it; I cannot begin to postulate if he has, or ever will, make his.
For those of you who don't know, Jon was my best friend in all the world for seven(ish) years. Sure we had our differences, we had our disagreements, but not once did I ever say, "He's different. I can't be his friend anymore." That all changed about a year or so ago. I was without internet access at my place, so I was over at my dad's using the computer. It had been a very shitty day/week, and I was in a less than stellar mindset. I'm checking my email, and I see that Jon has sent me an email. At this point Jon's off in Kuwait, so emails from him are next to nil since, as it was explained to me, computer and net access was severely limited. I open it to find that he wants me to go to the website of an individual with cancer. Seems that if the person doesn't get enough hits, the site will be taken down and this person's source of donations will be lost, or whatever it was. But, being in the state of mind that I was in at the time, rather than just open the link, provide the hit to the site, and then just close the window, I fire back an email stating approximately, "Brother? Bro? Brohiem? There are many good causes that I choose to ignore." There was something else after that, I can't remember if I asked him to not send me stuff like that again or what, I just recall that there was more. A day so later he fires one my way claiming all sorts of shit and invoking Dan, claiming that I must've forgotten him. Clarification: Dan is Jon's brother who was the only person in that family that was trying to be the peacemaker rather than starting a dispute with the first person he could find. He is extremely well-liked by nearly everyone he ever met. Dan also did me a great favor and bought a book for me from Amazon (my first online purchase,) for which I promptly reimbursed him the costs. Weeks later, Dan died of cancer; leukemia, if I recall correctly. I still carry a lump of shame and guilt in my heart because the day of Dan's funeral, I had to work, and my boss refused to let me take off. I'm ashamed I didn't just quit on the spot. So there it was, he'd effectively razed the longest freindship I'd ever had to the ground in about the span of three paragraphs. Since that email, he's not sent me any more, and the once, perhaps twice, I've spoken to him on AIM he's been hostile and confrontational. And I've been told by other friends that he's spurned lately that I'm not the only one. Some blame his joining the military, others blame his girlfriend. I can only blame Jon and myself, for no matter the outside forces, it was our choices that wrought this situation. And only by our choices will it ever be mended. My choice was made long ago to try to mend it; I cannot begin to postulate if he has, or ever will, make his.