(no subject)
i am so frustrated right now, i felt like i should turn to livejournal as a last resort. i haven't written here in a while.
for the past two days i have been having extreme anxiety/depression and i have absolutely no idea why. i know what the peripheral causes are- last weekend was one year since Ashleigh died. i went home and it was very nice, not nearly as stressful as i thought it would be. ever since i came back, though, i've been noticing a steady decline in my mood and my energy. I have definitely been sleeping and eating, so it's not that.
i had really bad strep throat that turned into severe tonsilitis a couple of weeks ago. i had to go to the emergency room, get antibiotics, etc. unfortunately that set me behind a good deal in my coursework. Three of my classes have been very understanding of the whole situation, so i haven't been worried about them. one of my tf's though has been a real "tightass" as brad, my senior tutor, said. he's already threatened me saying i'm going to fail the course. then i had a meeting with him and i thought all my worries were resolved, but when i went to section later that evening, i kept getting frustrated. I had to stand at the back, kept getting pushed out the door, and i couldn't even see what was going on. plus the people were giving presentations on musical elements and themes that were really tedious. being the loser that i am, i left early. later that night i got an email from the tf saying "what happened with section today???" i emailed him back telling him that I had had to leave early for a meeting, and that i was sorry. the only response i got was "huh???" then last night he emailed me, copying to brad, asking me to please provide documentation from UHS for my prior two absences and an excuse as to why i wasn't in section last weds. i went and met with brad today, trying to explain the situation. i have the documentation for the absences, so that's not a problem. but now i'm concerned that the guy has it out for me. he obviously thinks i'm trying to get away with something, and he doesnt' even believe i went to class when i did. i feel really trapped in this situation. there's also a midterm in the class on weds and now i get to study for it full of apprehension and anxiety.
i don't know why i expect school to be different every time i come back. it stays completely the same. or i do, maybe. i'm always behind, i'm always stuck making excuses, and i really don't want to be. i honestly tried really hard to have a positive attitude coming back. and things were great until i got sick. then i was wiped out and couldn't do anything. now i'm stuck dealing with the consequences.
also, because i was sick, the woman i was babysitting for got really freaked out that she or her son was going to get it, so she found someone else to do it. so now i'm jobless and broke (nevermind indebted to friends) and i have NOTHING to look forward to for the next two weeks. everything is an obligation, everyone passes judgement. i can't escape it. i tried keeping optimistic.
instead i feel sad and LONELY. so incredibly, fucking lonely. what a loser. i'm completely adrift up here, and i don't know where to turn. i wasn't here for a year, so it's like everyone forgot about me, and now that i'm back it's great, but i'm pushed to the sidelines. no one calls me to do anything, i sit in my room for hours on end doing school work, reading, decorating my walls and feeling miserable. what the fuck. i'm so tired of this shit.
hopefully having written this will make me feel better, but right now i'm still pretty low. yesterday i said i'd see how i felt in the morning, and today i'm stuck saying the same thing. i'm trying, honestly. i really want to do well, or at the very least not have the hardcore stress and anxiety that i'm giving myself. we'll see . . .
for the past two days i have been having extreme anxiety/depression and i have absolutely no idea why. i know what the peripheral causes are- last weekend was one year since Ashleigh died. i went home and it was very nice, not nearly as stressful as i thought it would be. ever since i came back, though, i've been noticing a steady decline in my mood and my energy. I have definitely been sleeping and eating, so it's not that.
i had really bad strep throat that turned into severe tonsilitis a couple of weeks ago. i had to go to the emergency room, get antibiotics, etc. unfortunately that set me behind a good deal in my coursework. Three of my classes have been very understanding of the whole situation, so i haven't been worried about them. one of my tf's though has been a real "tightass" as brad, my senior tutor, said. he's already threatened me saying i'm going to fail the course. then i had a meeting with him and i thought all my worries were resolved, but when i went to section later that evening, i kept getting frustrated. I had to stand at the back, kept getting pushed out the door, and i couldn't even see what was going on. plus the people were giving presentations on musical elements and themes that were really tedious. being the loser that i am, i left early. later that night i got an email from the tf saying "what happened with section today???" i emailed him back telling him that I had had to leave early for a meeting, and that i was sorry. the only response i got was "huh???" then last night he emailed me, copying to brad, asking me to please provide documentation from UHS for my prior two absences and an excuse as to why i wasn't in section last weds. i went and met with brad today, trying to explain the situation. i have the documentation for the absences, so that's not a problem. but now i'm concerned that the guy has it out for me. he obviously thinks i'm trying to get away with something, and he doesnt' even believe i went to class when i did. i feel really trapped in this situation. there's also a midterm in the class on weds and now i get to study for it full of apprehension and anxiety.
i don't know why i expect school to be different every time i come back. it stays completely the same. or i do, maybe. i'm always behind, i'm always stuck making excuses, and i really don't want to be. i honestly tried really hard to have a positive attitude coming back. and things were great until i got sick. then i was wiped out and couldn't do anything. now i'm stuck dealing with the consequences.
also, because i was sick, the woman i was babysitting for got really freaked out that she or her son was going to get it, so she found someone else to do it. so now i'm jobless and broke (nevermind indebted to friends) and i have NOTHING to look forward to for the next two weeks. everything is an obligation, everyone passes judgement. i can't escape it. i tried keeping optimistic.
instead i feel sad and LONELY. so incredibly, fucking lonely. what a loser. i'm completely adrift up here, and i don't know where to turn. i wasn't here for a year, so it's like everyone forgot about me, and now that i'm back it's great, but i'm pushed to the sidelines. no one calls me to do anything, i sit in my room for hours on end doing school work, reading, decorating my walls and feeling miserable. what the fuck. i'm so tired of this shit.
hopefully having written this will make me feel better, but right now i'm still pretty low. yesterday i said i'd see how i felt in the morning, and today i'm stuck saying the same thing. i'm trying, honestly. i really want to do well, or at the very least not have the hardcore stress and anxiety that i'm giving myself. we'll see . . .