(no subject)

[sircro3]

it's been a while. feels like 100 years. i don't really know what i want to say in this lj entry, i just felt like writing, so that's what i'm doing. my sister, Ashleigh, died two weeks ago. that has been the ruling force in my life since then. now i'm back at school and i don't really know where i am. i don't really want to be here because i feel so alone when i am (even when my friends are around) but i CAN'T go back home AGAIN because that wasn't working either. I'm very restless. and anxious. and scared. the future, the one that seemed so hopefilled and bright, is just kind of grey now. i'm not saying my life is over, because it's not, but a HUGE hunk has been ripped out of it, and i'm not really certain how i'm supposed to deal with it. I'm going to start going to see a therapist again, which was a good idea anyway. my problem with therapy is i never know how much i should let the therapist know. i know that sounds weird "you should tell the therapist everything" but i feel like my everything is too much for a therapist and the minute i start getting into the deeper stuff they're going to want to either medicate me or send me to another therapist/psychiatrist because there's SO much wrong with me. these are feelings i've always had about therapy. even with judy, the therapist i used to have who died last year, i couldnt' tell her all of what was bothering me because there's just too much. i know it's a common feeling, and i know most of you are saying "there's nothing wrong with you that 10 million other people feel is wrong with them" but in this case i think people should trust me. i'm pretty fucked up. actually, majorly fucked up. maybe ashleigh dying will finally be the impetus for me to address my problems. some of them have been 10 years in the making. even writing this gets me worried, because i know that i can't let people know just how messed up i am, but if i don't then they won't believe it's as bad as it is. i'm also worried about getting into a relationship too soon after all of this. which sucks because i have been looking for a relationship for a long time, and never seemed to get anywhere, but now i have chances and i don't know if i should take them

okay, i'm tired of writing now. in summation, i hurt so much it's unbearable, but i'm going to survive somehow. that's just what i have to do.