FuckfuckfuckfuckfuckFUCKFUCKFUCKK!~!!!!!!!
I reset the CMOS, made it dump the raid in preperation for a complete rebuild, and when I went to install the OS, I discovered that the baby had at some point stripped the Vista code off the side of the case. GODDAMNIT!!!! *MAYBE* If I yank a hard drive out it will boot normally again, but only if my luck changes. Come to think, that probably won't work either since I think it pulled out the hard drive partitions when I did that. There is no God.