What am i supposed to do?
Ok, for once i'm gonna cut all the bullshit out of this. I (on a normal basis) would be at least partially witty and charming, but i can't stop the (well, for lack of a better word) screaming in my head. To be quite honest i'm getting pulled in all sorts of directions. I (as well as many other people im sure) have parts of me i dont talk about, i.e. past, feelings, this, that, the other. But as of last night, i spent quite a large portion of my night opening my head to a portion of my terribly painful memories and so on. It felt good to tell someone (expecially someone who gives a damn) but i still hurt so bad from it. I cant stop it from regrouping and filling my head. I worked pretty hard for a while just having it away and when it exploded out i cant put it back away, and of course i feel bitter and just hate filled. The subject in my head was about something very everyday, and when you remeber why you hate something, its hard to come to terms. Fuck, i could go on for hours on that but i'll spare you my bitching. At the same time, after all that releasing and what not, i kinda feel obligated to tell the rest of the story, i guess as a "you got a taste, you might as well know the rest" but i fear it. I fear it. If it keeps a hold on me like whats going on now i dont wanna go through it again. But I kinda want her to know the rest. Kinda for her understanding (so im not an asshole saying 'there's really big and scary in my head but you'll never know' kinda thing) but i dont want to put my pain on her shoulders. Thats why i'd rather not talk about any of it at all. Why put someone else (expecially one i care about) in a position like that? Why should i put all my stress on her? I can deal with the pain, i have for this long, whats a few more years? Suck it up. Fuck, i'm re-reading this crap and i sound stupid, but whatever, i need this out of my head. I can't take much more of this, but no one can know. Suck it up