Being boring? being judged on the person you once were and the flat is haunted.
I thought I would write this entry, partly due to what Loulou wrote in her last entry and just partly concerns I hold just generally. Loulou is a fascinating and exciting person, however in her last entry she was depressed that everything she wrote is dull and just whiney - not great when you have just added a new person to you flist and want to get to know them.
I often worry about whether I am boring, or if we are a boring couple - though perhaps that’s a rather hysterical viewpoint. For all our plus points, we don’t have that great a social life and we don’t have people round to visit often. I do feel that out of all the different friends groups whether it’s the gay group, general friends or the fetish crowd we have we are sort of left out the loop somewhat and do miss out on things. The main reason of moving to London at the time was to socialise and to interact with more people, because after leaving university I was isolated and living back in the Pennines. Plus whether I like it or not I am basically a sociable person and do like and need peoples company.
This and a few other things have made me wonder how much you have to suffer from your past self. Morrissey once said that if he ever met himself as a 23 year old he would jump out of a window and vault down the fire escape to get away from him. Certainly I am now a very different person to what I was say two years ago - even a year ago. When I first moved to London nearly 4 years ago and made my first impressions on all the London set that was associated with Loulou, I was a completely different person to who I am now.
I wonder if part of the reason me and Loulou are possibly out of various different loops is because of who we once were. When I came to London I was broke for some time or working in low paying temping jobs so had to decline various invites out or to parties (also being shy was another fact, I wont deny it) and Loulou was training in her career so was often stressed or under the weather. That may have had an effect on whether people decided to bother with us or not.
Here’s me getting all down saying my stalled life is because of who I once was in the past which is not who I am and not being involved with dazzling strangers and decent friends effectively because of past actions or inactions. All this when some people in there youth did certain things that accidentally resulted in the death of a close friend or lover which must be so much worse than declining social invitations and then beating yourself up about not going to a particular party. Hmm perhaps not, I can cope with death easily its social rejection that kills me, if you pardon the expression!
Perhaps a more accurate (I hope) description is that we are interesting but are currently leading a boring life, I take some comfort in the fact that we just haven’t really started our lives yet, we are just getting all the essential and frustrating things of life out the way first - indeed there’s so many people down here I haven’t even met yet in my life or dragged into my orbit.
It’s is like we are on standby, fate is shuffling its feet with this potential job on the horizon but other than that there is a general lack of a forward movement in our lives. Naturally I will blame all this on the ghost in our flat.
There’s something in here feeding off our energy and drive. We had a neighbour from across the road deliver a package for us once and said that there was a really weird vibe in our block - all the other blocks in our street are fine, but there is something sinister with ours. My mother also let slip on the telephone once that the back bedroom was haunted. We had the trashy neighbour from upstairs pop down one evening who then decided to have a conversation with someone who wasn’t there. The sooner we get out of here the better, it is like our spirit and energy is being oppressed - plus I want to have a place with a proper boudoir, somewhere I can have an art studio for my painting and somewhere where we can have cats, and more importantly a place where anyone can drop by randomly for a chat, an argument about current affairs and culture and a bottle of wine.
Right I will leave it there - there’s a programme of Channel Four about sex addiction with Ulrika Jonsson, which surprise surprise is completely missing the point and being way of the mark. I could rant about it but why bother. The only thing that could redeem this program is if Ulrika interviewed John Leslie!