Don't bother reading this one.
Man it's been a long time since I wrote anything here. I think I am just gonna write for now because I'm procrastinating and in a horrible mood. I am procrastinating studying for my music lit final. This is rediculous, I have to know 40 songs in 2.5 hours. I'm pretty fucked on that. About a month ago I gave up WoW because it was consuming my life. So this is what happens when I don't have anything to do. I find ways to make myself feel bad.
Anyways I guess I'm gonna talk about what's making me feel bad in order to try to make me feel not so bad. Lately I've been talking to Jennifer, my ex girlfriend with whom I was dating off an on for what seems like ages. It was more like 2-3 years, but you get the point. We had a lot of great times, but we had just as many shitty ass times. Recently me and her have been tlaking a lot and hanging out more, and I am realizing that I still have feelings for her. She says that she still has feelings for me which is good. But with Jen, I have trust issues, and I can never tell when she is telling me the truth.
I've always had a softspot for this woman, and I'm pretty sure she knows it. She could have me on a string around her finger if she wanted too, and I'm afraid she will take advantage of that. From what has happened in the past between me and her, it has happened before. Multiple times. Let's take Junior Homecoming as an example. We agree a few weeks in advance to go together. At the time we had recently broken up, but we were starting to get back together. It's all part of the cycle. Anyhoo, she had been talking with this guy Ray for some time now, and when we went to the dance, she left me with her friends for about an hour and a half to go dance with this other kid. She ripped my heart out of my chest. We left early and went to soem parking lot and started talking about everything. It was very emotional. So what happened next you ask?
I forgave her....yeah thats right. She stabs a knife through my chest and all I can say is that it's not your fault. All the time I would just place all the blame on the guy she was fucking me over for. Another example: me and her had started getting close again over last summer, but we never officially started dating again. I had feelings for her, and she the same for me. I didn't much want a relationship though, and she agreed. But she got discouraged by this, and instead of telling me she starts confiding in my best friend Pat. I think you can see where this is going. So she started dating one of my best friends. I thought that was the final straw. I thought I would never talk to either of them again. One month later I'm spending the night with her, and we both have feelings for each other. The problem here, she had a boyfriend. Instead of breaking up with him and going out with me like she said she was gonna do, she continued to date him for at least another month.
So why do I continue to like her? Especially after all the grief she has caused me? I wish I knew. That would make things so much easier for me right now. I know she says she has feelings for me now, but I also know she likes other boys. Or maybe they are men, I don't really know. All I know is that I don't much like competition, and I hate confrontation.
I think I have figured it out. I am a moron. I still have feelings for this woman. After all she has done to me, wouldn't you think I could take a hint? What is to say that she won't do it again? How much sadness do I have to go through to learn a freaking lesson? Instead of going out at night trying to meet women I sit on my computer hoping for a chance to get to talk to this girl. I've ended almost all of my other relationships because I started having feelings for Jen again, except the times I've been dumped. I can think of three people who I have screwed over for this girl. I'm an ass, and I keep going back to this girl. What is wrong with me?'
If you actually read through this all, I'm sorry for ranting so much, but it made me feel better.
Anyways I guess I'm gonna talk about what's making me feel bad in order to try to make me feel not so bad. Lately I've been talking to Jennifer, my ex girlfriend with whom I was dating off an on for what seems like ages. It was more like 2-3 years, but you get the point. We had a lot of great times, but we had just as many shitty ass times. Recently me and her have been tlaking a lot and hanging out more, and I am realizing that I still have feelings for her. She says that she still has feelings for me which is good. But with Jen, I have trust issues, and I can never tell when she is telling me the truth.
I've always had a softspot for this woman, and I'm pretty sure she knows it. She could have me on a string around her finger if she wanted too, and I'm afraid she will take advantage of that. From what has happened in the past between me and her, it has happened before. Multiple times. Let's take Junior Homecoming as an example. We agree a few weeks in advance to go together. At the time we had recently broken up, but we were starting to get back together. It's all part of the cycle. Anyhoo, she had been talking with this guy Ray for some time now, and when we went to the dance, she left me with her friends for about an hour and a half to go dance with this other kid. She ripped my heart out of my chest. We left early and went to soem parking lot and started talking about everything. It was very emotional. So what happened next you ask?
I forgave her....yeah thats right. She stabs a knife through my chest and all I can say is that it's not your fault. All the time I would just place all the blame on the guy she was fucking me over for. Another example: me and her had started getting close again over last summer, but we never officially started dating again. I had feelings for her, and she the same for me. I didn't much want a relationship though, and she agreed. But she got discouraged by this, and instead of telling me she starts confiding in my best friend Pat. I think you can see where this is going. So she started dating one of my best friends. I thought that was the final straw. I thought I would never talk to either of them again. One month later I'm spending the night with her, and we both have feelings for each other. The problem here, she had a boyfriend. Instead of breaking up with him and going out with me like she said she was gonna do, she continued to date him for at least another month.
So why do I continue to like her? Especially after all the grief she has caused me? I wish I knew. That would make things so much easier for me right now. I know she says she has feelings for me now, but I also know she likes other boys. Or maybe they are men, I don't really know. All I know is that I don't much like competition, and I hate confrontation.
I think I have figured it out. I am a moron. I still have feelings for this woman. After all she has done to me, wouldn't you think I could take a hint? What is to say that she won't do it again? How much sadness do I have to go through to learn a freaking lesson? Instead of going out at night trying to meet women I sit on my computer hoping for a chance to get to talk to this girl. I've ended almost all of my other relationships because I started having feelings for Jen again, except the times I've been dumped. I can think of three people who I have screwed over for this girl. I'm an ass, and I keep going back to this girl. What is wrong with me?'
If you actually read through this all, I'm sorry for ranting so much, but it made me feel better.