[Private] I love the way you lie
I have grown so weary of fighting him. Wherever I am he is there too, hiding in the background watching, waiting for his chance.
When I am with him, I am full of love but I am also drunk with my hatred of him.
I fear we two are too alike, one of a kind full of anger, pain, hate and violence deep inside. We have done things that those around us would never have dreamed of. His temper is the same as mine, we are a pair he and I, twined through a baptism of fire and darkness. I can't help but think that perhaps he is right. Perhaps I should leave Grace and take him back. She would be safe from me, I would not hurt her anymore and I... I would be with one who knows the tight feel of rage and pain, one who does things that are just as bad as those committed by myself.
I could get him to leave England forever, leave those I love and keep them out of our range if we fell back on old habits. I hope.
He is someone who can take my venom and if I break he can take the strikes I would deliver. I would not need to protect him and
he makes the wrongs feel right, he still takes my breath away even after all these years. Yet he brings out the worst in me and I do not wish to cause pain just for my pleasure, that is not me anymore. I need a reason.
Grace though... Grace too takes my breath away and she is my light, my savior. She has been so patient with me, helping me through the toughest times of my life. She was by my side whilst my mother died, she witnessed the hatred that women had for me and held me as she slipped away. She knows that I do not who I am anymore and she is helping me come to terms with that. She believes in me and makes me feel that redemption is not as far away as first thought. I shall always fight for her. I will always fight to protect, I would kill everyone just to keep her safe.
She is such a beautiful person that she brings out the goodness from deep inside of me but I fear she cannot hide away the darkness forever. I fear that when it comes to the surface it will harm her.
They both complete me in so very different ways. He is the dark side of me and she is the light. I do not know what to do. I am so happy with Grace but we both know that there is something missing.
I wish I had the strength to resist him and keep him at bay. I wish I could believe that I could talk to those I call friends, but I cannot. I do not want them to see me so weak, so ill at ease and uncontrolled.
I feel ashamed that I cannot decide between them, how can someone like myself become so distraught?
All I want is to know what to do.
When I am with him, I am full of love but I am also drunk with my hatred of him.
I fear we two are too alike, one of a kind full of anger, pain, hate and violence deep inside. We have done things that those around us would never have dreamed of. His temper is the same as mine, we are a pair he and I, twined through a baptism of fire and darkness. I can't help but think that perhaps he is right. Perhaps I should leave Grace and take him back. She would be safe from me, I would not hurt her anymore and I... I would be with one who knows the tight feel of rage and pain, one who does things that are just as bad as those committed by myself.
I could get him to leave England forever, leave those I love and keep them out of our range if we fell back on old habits. I hope.
He is someone who can take my venom and if I break he can take the strikes I would deliver. I would not need to protect him and
he makes the wrongs feel right, he still takes my breath away even after all these years. Yet he brings out the worst in me and I do not wish to cause pain just for my pleasure, that is not me anymore. I need a reason.
Grace though... Grace too takes my breath away and she is my light, my savior. She has been so patient with me, helping me through the toughest times of my life. She was by my side whilst my mother died, she witnessed the hatred that women had for me and held me as she slipped away. She knows that I do not who I am anymore and she is helping me come to terms with that. She believes in me and makes me feel that redemption is not as far away as first thought. I shall always fight for her. I will always fight to protect, I would kill everyone just to keep her safe.
She is such a beautiful person that she brings out the goodness from deep inside of me but I fear she cannot hide away the darkness forever. I fear that when it comes to the surface it will harm her.
They both complete me in so very different ways. He is the dark side of me and she is the light. I do not know what to do. I am so happy with Grace but we both know that there is something missing.
I wish I had the strength to resist him and keep him at bay. I wish I could believe that I could talk to those I call friends, but I cannot. I do not want them to see me so weak, so ill at ease and uncontrolled.
I feel ashamed that I cannot decide between them, how can someone like myself become so distraught?
All I want is to know what to do.