So...an update?
Damn...I've been missing in action here on LJ for the past couple of months. Well, nothing much has been new since my last short update. I graduated from UC Davis on September 15, 2005. Almost 2 months later, still no job. THIS FUCKING SUCKS...BIG TIME. I thought this whole "nothingness" would give me a new breathe on life, but so far, it's been a whole lot of short-comings and disappointments. Who knew life after graduation was going to be this hard. I sure didn't. Maybe I was naive into thinking that my "career" life was going to be all set. I have the perfect image of what I want to become but I don't have any idea of how to get there -- What sorts of jobs I should be taking, Who I should contact, What kind of experience I would need.
The best thing about school is that things were set. Nothing was ever too unpredictable. You had classes that filled most of your daily hours and the options of staying in or going out at night. Most classes had syllabi so assignments were always known. The work was never really as hard as it seemed and all the stress and pressure that built while doing the assignment was relieved as soon as the work was over. In school, we got to take classes that challenged our minds and expanded our knowledge of, not just subject matter, but of the world around us. DAMN.
Now, my brain has been reducing to mush for the past 2 months. I've been reading books; Davis Sedaris, Mitch Albom, Nicholas Sparks....but these aren't engaging. I haven't learned why things happen, or what makes them go round...instead I've been absorbing life's lessons -- that to have a fulfilled life, you can't just focus on work and money. There's more to a happy life. LOVE is a big part of it, relationships, community...these are what really matters in life. According to these books, work and money doesn't even come close to what love, relationships and community has to offer.
In my opinion, I believe this life lesson to be true. Without love or relationships, you would lead a selfish life and in the end, would die alone with no one by your bedside. I know this. HOWEVER, it would be great to have a job that pays for everything I want. I'm not greedy or money-focused, but I would like to be able to spoil myself from time to time. To spoil others that are in my life and have influenced me in a positive way. BUT sadly, at this point in my life, I'm stuck with being a "Haves-not."
Oh well, it's not such a bad thing. I just need to find something to occupy my time.
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Besides that, I've found refuge from my boredom in my grandparents. Before these couple of months, I never really spent any "real" time with my grandparents. Sure, I would have a 5 minute conversation here and there, but I never really spent a full afternoon with them, taking care of them. It's kinda ... nice. My grandpa's really funny. At his age, he still jokes. His laugh is so contagious and he actually has more energy that I originally had thought. The only thing is, he gets lazy. After a few steps out of the house, he claims he "tired" but really, he just doesn't want to walk without a purpose. "Why am I walking?" "for exercise", I would say. "What? Okay, I'm tired." haha...
My grandma, on the other hand, has become bed-ridden. She has been battling tuberculosis for the past couple of months and so far the disease has been winning. It's not that she's in the last stages of her life, but she has definitely been overcomed by the disease. She's no longer as vibrant and charming as she one was...and in addition, she has lost about 30-40 lbs since she's been hospitalized (2 or so months). Sometimes we would joke that to stay thin and skinny, I should get tuberculosis...or...be sick -- it's not that funny but it keeps the conversation positive.
Living back at home as both it's ups and downs. I love not having any responsibilities (bills) because of it, but I hate the fact that I have to tell her everything I do. "Where are you going? Who are you going to be with? Why are you doing that?...etc." In Davis, I loved not having to tell anyone where I would go or what I would be doing. Moving home meant losing my independence. I feel like I'm still in high school again except that it's no longer acceptable for me to veg at home. ARGH...it's killing me. Besides that, my brother and I have had battles since I'd moved home. It's nothing like childish fights to remind me that I'm home. ARGH. I hate him. Really, I truly do because we're so pent up with childish hatred that it's a battle to just live in the same house. Right now, we're treating each other like roommates (who hate each other). We don't speak, we're not in the same room as each other, or even do family functions together. I hate it, but what can I do. It's a two-way relationship and if he's not willing to try and be civil then I won't. Now I sound like a baby...geez.
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Since I've left Davis, my life has been lonely. My life in Davis was full of friends whom I would enjoy the day and night with. We would go out to dinner, to the bars, to parties, to the pool, to lounge around...etc. And now, well, most of my friends in San Francisco all have careers. It sucks being the only one waiting around while they work during the day. I just wish I had a friend here that had the same schedule as I did. Or was into the same nightly events as I am...or, better, had more energy and excitement than I have. I'm one of those people who would go out and do almost anything...but I don't have the "leadership" ( I guess that's what it's called) quality to make an eventful night. I'm usually the one they call. Maybe that's what I have to do differently...BUT I don't have a lot of friends who wants to go to the bars, or know of any parties to go to, or are the sort of crowd to meet new people. In Davis, I knew people who were connected with the party scene....it wasn't too hard to find something to do at nights, but in SF, though you would think that there's more to do than a cow town like Davis, has a tougher night scene to get into. I don't have the same type of relationship as the ones I had formed in Davis. I still (platonically) love my SF friends, you can't compare them to anyone else, but I would like to have some excitement in my life rather than just chilling and watching movies.
[[[[side note: P.S. I'm just venting/whining. I know that in order to change my current situation, I have to change myself. It's nobody's fault but my own that I'm feeling like this]]]]
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So...I've covered almost everything that's been going on in my current lifestyle...except BOYS. There's nothing new in that department. Cigar and I hardly speak anymore...though lately, I've been thinking A LOT about him. Last night, I was trying to remember when we said our first "I Love You" or if we ever said it a lot during our relationship. I can't remember a single occurence. That's bad, REALLY bad. It's been 4+ years since we've known each other and damn...I still think about him in more than a friendly way. However, I do know the reality of our relationship. We're just friends now. Not even friends. Everytime I catch myself hoping, I knock some sense back into myself. Whatever we once had, it's all in the past. Whatever happens now can't be based from our history. We're just friends. Friends without benefits, friends without romance...just friends.
As of late, I've been crushing on this boy. Though we only met twice before I left Davis, I still think about him during these past 2 months. It's funny how people who just enter your life for a split second can leave such a big footstep in your memory. He's cute, he's nerdy, we connected...i'm stalking him. haha...this has been the first school-girl crush since...whenever. It's fun, it's exciting, but it's going no where. We only met twice, barely even acquaintances but it's just funny. I just have a big crush on him.
...I need to meet some guys and start dating again...Do YOU know of anyone that might be interested?...
Anyways, that's the update.
I'm sure I'm be writing a lot more now that I've got nothing to do.
HAVE A GREAT DAY.
Call me to keep me company during my days.
s2, mmwwwaaaaaaahhhh
P.S. If you know "Daphne Loves Derby" contact me because I know we'll connect.
The best thing about school is that things were set. Nothing was ever too unpredictable. You had classes that filled most of your daily hours and the options of staying in or going out at night. Most classes had syllabi so assignments were always known. The work was never really as hard as it seemed and all the stress and pressure that built while doing the assignment was relieved as soon as the work was over. In school, we got to take classes that challenged our minds and expanded our knowledge of, not just subject matter, but of the world around us. DAMN.
Now, my brain has been reducing to mush for the past 2 months. I've been reading books; Davis Sedaris, Mitch Albom, Nicholas Sparks....but these aren't engaging. I haven't learned why things happen, or what makes them go round...instead I've been absorbing life's lessons -- that to have a fulfilled life, you can't just focus on work and money. There's more to a happy life. LOVE is a big part of it, relationships, community...these are what really matters in life. According to these books, work and money doesn't even come close to what love, relationships and community has to offer.
In my opinion, I believe this life lesson to be true. Without love or relationships, you would lead a selfish life and in the end, would die alone with no one by your bedside. I know this. HOWEVER, it would be great to have a job that pays for everything I want. I'm not greedy or money-focused, but I would like to be able to spoil myself from time to time. To spoil others that are in my life and have influenced me in a positive way. BUT sadly, at this point in my life, I'm stuck with being a "Haves-not."
Oh well, it's not such a bad thing. I just need to find something to occupy my time.
---------------------------------------
Besides that, I've found refuge from my boredom in my grandparents. Before these couple of months, I never really spent any "real" time with my grandparents. Sure, I would have a 5 minute conversation here and there, but I never really spent a full afternoon with them, taking care of them. It's kinda ... nice. My grandpa's really funny. At his age, he still jokes. His laugh is so contagious and he actually has more energy that I originally had thought. The only thing is, he gets lazy. After a few steps out of the house, he claims he "tired" but really, he just doesn't want to walk without a purpose. "Why am I walking?" "for exercise", I would say. "What? Okay, I'm tired." haha...
My grandma, on the other hand, has become bed-ridden. She has been battling tuberculosis for the past couple of months and so far the disease has been winning. It's not that she's in the last stages of her life, but she has definitely been overcomed by the disease. She's no longer as vibrant and charming as she one was...and in addition, she has lost about 30-40 lbs since she's been hospitalized (2 or so months). Sometimes we would joke that to stay thin and skinny, I should get tuberculosis...or...be sick -- it's not that funny but it keeps the conversation positive.
Living back at home as both it's ups and downs. I love not having any responsibilities (bills) because of it, but I hate the fact that I have to tell her everything I do. "Where are you going? Who are you going to be with? Why are you doing that?...etc." In Davis, I loved not having to tell anyone where I would go or what I would be doing. Moving home meant losing my independence. I feel like I'm still in high school again except that it's no longer acceptable for me to veg at home. ARGH...it's killing me. Besides that, my brother and I have had battles since I'd moved home. It's nothing like childish fights to remind me that I'm home. ARGH. I hate him. Really, I truly do because we're so pent up with childish hatred that it's a battle to just live in the same house. Right now, we're treating each other like roommates (who hate each other). We don't speak, we're not in the same room as each other, or even do family functions together. I hate it, but what can I do. It's a two-way relationship and if he's not willing to try and be civil then I won't. Now I sound like a baby...geez.
--------------------------------------
Since I've left Davis, my life has been lonely. My life in Davis was full of friends whom I would enjoy the day and night with. We would go out to dinner, to the bars, to parties, to the pool, to lounge around...etc. And now, well, most of my friends in San Francisco all have careers. It sucks being the only one waiting around while they work during the day. I just wish I had a friend here that had the same schedule as I did. Or was into the same nightly events as I am...or, better, had more energy and excitement than I have. I'm one of those people who would go out and do almost anything...but I don't have the "leadership" ( I guess that's what it's called) quality to make an eventful night. I'm usually the one they call. Maybe that's what I have to do differently...BUT I don't have a lot of friends who wants to go to the bars, or know of any parties to go to, or are the sort of crowd to meet new people. In Davis, I knew people who were connected with the party scene....it wasn't too hard to find something to do at nights, but in SF, though you would think that there's more to do than a cow town like Davis, has a tougher night scene to get into. I don't have the same type of relationship as the ones I had formed in Davis. I still (platonically) love my SF friends, you can't compare them to anyone else, but I would like to have some excitement in my life rather than just chilling and watching movies.
[[[[side note: P.S. I'm just venting/whining. I know that in order to change my current situation, I have to change myself. It's nobody's fault but my own that I'm feeling like this]]]]
--------------------------------------
So...I've covered almost everything that's been going on in my current lifestyle...except BOYS. There's nothing new in that department. Cigar and I hardly speak anymore...though lately, I've been thinking A LOT about him. Last night, I was trying to remember when we said our first "I Love You" or if we ever said it a lot during our relationship. I can't remember a single occurence. That's bad, REALLY bad. It's been 4+ years since we've known each other and damn...I still think about him in more than a friendly way. However, I do know the reality of our relationship. We're just friends now. Not even friends. Everytime I catch myself hoping, I knock some sense back into myself. Whatever we once had, it's all in the past. Whatever happens now can't be based from our history. We're just friends. Friends without benefits, friends without romance...just friends.
As of late, I've been crushing on this boy. Though we only met twice before I left Davis, I still think about him during these past 2 months. It's funny how people who just enter your life for a split second can leave such a big footstep in your memory. He's cute, he's nerdy, we connected...i'm stalking him. haha...this has been the first school-girl crush since...whenever. It's fun, it's exciting, but it's going no where. We only met twice, barely even acquaintances but it's just funny. I just have a big crush on him.
...I need to meet some guys and start dating again...Do YOU know of anyone that might be interested?...
Anyways, that's the update.
I'm sure I'm be writing a lot more now that I've got nothing to do.
HAVE A GREAT DAY.
Call me to keep me company during my days.
s2, mmwwwaaaaaaahhhh
P.S. If you know "Daphne Loves Derby" contact me because I know we'll connect.