emotional ups and downs

[sippinafordy]

i just dont know anymore. i was so happy yesterday and the oppisite today. by the was its late and im posting for the 13th. school sucked of course and im making a habit out of skipping 1st too much. but i really just dont know how i feel lately. ill start. sbw used to be one of my good friends and i valued their opinion but we lost touch for a few weeks and i didnt like that. i was mad at them for some reason that i dont know why maybe it was the lack of communication. but i used to miss her but now im not sure if i care. i cant try anymore and i think ill move on which sounds horrible but friendship is an open and close door. i say this now but ill prob. change my mind sooner or later. people think that i am friends with this person purely to "date" her but thats not my style, if i like you, you prob. wont know, i will give you just as much attention as anyone else. but i geninely enjoy this person when she is around, she gives me a smile from ear to ear. now my other friend is ok. i cant say i have a best friend. i may use the term like, "oh my best friend or omg that person is my best friend." but chances are that i dont mean it. its either that i dont like that label, which i dont think is it or i just cant find one. bc sometimes i feel like i am friends with someone to cater to their everyneeds. i drive, i pay, i help, i advise, i support, i get shit on. i mean i just dont know its like im a personal chauffer. then an old friend that i was in love with for years but im not sure if she knew. well i think she may like me again and ive grown so close to her this past year that i dont want to jeprodize that friendship that weve finnally been able to make concrete. and i didnt like it when she chose that douche bag instead of me but i got over it and she was happy. now i think she may want to chose me but im not sure if i want to be chosen. shes perfect. but i think i found one of those friends that you want to hang on too. i almost wish she could find someone else so she would be happy. i want her to be happy. which i think is a huge step for me bc having an on/off crush since 8th grade is painful. im changed and shes late. too bad, could have been. but i will always love her.(note the spelling of love, not luv, but love.) as a friend in my heart. she is my oldest, truest friend since high school, and she has no idea but i will tell her someday. then i have the fire that i am drawn to, but i am afraid that is will be forever blown out. i hope not but it is a sad possiblity but i will still have something to hold onto. i just need someone to blow my steam off on but i fear my someone may be moving on. she means so much to me and she knows exactly who she is i dont need to say anmore.

this night was ok. i watched the girls game...how sad. i feel for my girl MJ. she need not blame herself for even though she missed the shot, there would not have been a shot for her to take in the first place had she not been on the team. she is amazing but im not sure if she gets me. you have to run on a particluar wave length to get who i really am. most do but a few take it the wrong way. then tonight i went to a party at magers house. it was alright, they drank i didnt, i took cj home and let him crash on my house bc he was not fit to drive and im tired.

last but not least. i think im falling in it but i need/want someone to catch me before i do the wrong this. i dont know there is just so much attraction. well i think im going to bed.

p.s. if you know any of the names of the ppl i mentioned, pleast keep it to yourself. thanks-ryan.