Goodbyes, regrets...
Life is such a mix - some days start so well, and then an anvil drops from the sky and flattens you. Today's revelation has left me deeply thinky, and regretful. I really do try to live a life that leaves me able to say, "I'd change some things I did, I'd do less harm if I could, but for the most part I have no regrets..." It's also a reminder that it really is the right thing to do, to call that person you care about who have a misunderstanding with, talk it out - now, while you have the opportunity.
My freshman year in high school, I had my first serious boyfriend... he was sweet and caring and really adored me. I thought he was amazing and wonderful; we did the usual boyfriend/girlfriend things, we were two of the most amazingly geeky dorky kids (see homecoming picture below if you don't believe me), but we really did care for each other... and we weren't particularly good at communicating. We dated for the whole first part of the school year - sometime in the spring I figured out that he'd been dealing pot out of his locker, and confronted him about it. Looking back, I think I was hurt that he hadn't trusted me enough to ask if I'd like to try it, or even just let me know *he* had tried it - I'm not exactly sure how he saw me, really. I know that I was hurt that he had secrets from me, and I thought it was deeply stupid to do business like that out of his locker, especially since his mom worked for the school... I *KNOW* that at 15 I had no idea how to have a conversation about something like that, and did it badly. I think he felt I was going to turn him in, get him in trouble - was giving him ultimatums... which wasn't true, but looking back honestly, it might have been a reasonable assumption from what came out of my mouth. A few hours later he broke up with me in front of the whole science class, just before the bell rang to start - I ran off to the library (my sanctuary) to cry and try to figure out what I'd said to make him so angry with me, whether it could be fixed. Half an hour later, the school found out that four kids (all siblings) had been in a terrible car accident on the way to school - they were kids everyone in the school knew and liked (it was a very small school), Les and I lost real friends that day. He ran away from home before I could talk to him again. He came back several months later, but we never really spoke again - never made peace.
Through the (over 30) years since then, I've always assumed I'd find him, we'd be able to talk as grownups and I could tell him the things I couldn't back then, that I never thought badly of him, what the truth was, that I'm sorry for my part in that awful time for him... A month or so ago, I found his sister on Facebook - He's married and has at least one kid, I was happy to hear that - but he was going through some kind of surgery on his knee, so I figured I'd give it some time, let him get through that, and see if I could get his number from his sister, give him a call... and he died on Sunday, unexpectedly - they don't even know why yet. I'm so sad for his family - what an awful shock, he's not even 50 yet.
For my part, I know he probably didn't spend his life angst-ing about me, but it's *hard* to say goodbye without having said I'm sorry, without talking.
Bye, Les - I loved you, I was a stupid kid, I deeply regret never talking to you about all this - and I hope you were truly happy in the life you made for yourself...
My freshman year in high school, I had my first serious boyfriend... he was sweet and caring and really adored me. I thought he was amazing and wonderful; we did the usual boyfriend/girlfriend things, we were two of the most amazingly geeky dorky kids (see homecoming picture below if you don't believe me), but we really did care for each other... and we weren't particularly good at communicating. We dated for the whole first part of the school year - sometime in the spring I figured out that he'd been dealing pot out of his locker, and confronted him about it. Looking back, I think I was hurt that he hadn't trusted me enough to ask if I'd like to try it, or even just let me know *he* had tried it - I'm not exactly sure how he saw me, really. I know that I was hurt that he had secrets from me, and I thought it was deeply stupid to do business like that out of his locker, especially since his mom worked for the school... I *KNOW* that at 15 I had no idea how to have a conversation about something like that, and did it badly. I think he felt I was going to turn him in, get him in trouble - was giving him ultimatums... which wasn't true, but looking back honestly, it might have been a reasonable assumption from what came out of my mouth. A few hours later he broke up with me in front of the whole science class, just before the bell rang to start - I ran off to the library (my sanctuary) to cry and try to figure out what I'd said to make him so angry with me, whether it could be fixed. Half an hour later, the school found out that four kids (all siblings) had been in a terrible car accident on the way to school - they were kids everyone in the school knew and liked (it was a very small school), Les and I lost real friends that day. He ran away from home before I could talk to him again. He came back several months later, but we never really spoke again - never made peace.
Through the (over 30) years since then, I've always assumed I'd find him, we'd be able to talk as grownups and I could tell him the things I couldn't back then, that I never thought badly of him, what the truth was, that I'm sorry for my part in that awful time for him... A month or so ago, I found his sister on Facebook - He's married and has at least one kid, I was happy to hear that - but he was going through some kind of surgery on his knee, so I figured I'd give it some time, let him get through that, and see if I could get his number from his sister, give him a call... and he died on Sunday, unexpectedly - they don't even know why yet. I'm so sad for his family - what an awful shock, he's not even 50 yet.
For my part, I know he probably didn't spend his life angst-ing about me, but it's *hard* to say goodbye without having said I'm sorry, without talking.
Bye, Les - I loved you, I was a stupid kid, I deeply regret never talking to you about all this - and I hope you were truly happy in the life you made for yourself...