two oh one oh
It is finally two thousand and fucking ten and I couldn't be happier.
I know most wouldn't agree but with the full moon and the end of the decade, I feel like the sins of the past have been wiped clean. I'm calm and I'm collected. I have a place to live in Gainesville again. My singular new years resolution is just to be a better person.
You know how you construct an idea of The Person I Want to Be in your mind? Whether it be based on other people or just actions and thoughts? I felt like I finally reached that point in the last few drags of 2009. I was Her. That girl I've been striving to be. Happy, free, open, adventurous, with long hair and confidence in spades, less book smart and more street smart, sexually aggressive, wide eyed and awake, unstressed and complaint-free. I did it! Of course, upon reaching that goal, I discovered that not everyone likes that person. It's a weird thing for me. I almost never understand how people don't like the things that I like when they're so obviously good in my opinion. Whaddya mean you don't like experimental music / drugs / free love / dancing? It's positively fabulous! But different strokes for different folks, I guess. That's a beautiful thing, too. Right now I can't think of anything I don't like but I'm sure something exists and someone I know really likes it. So, in my quest to be whom I'd always hoped I'd be, I hurt people. I disgusted people. I lost people. I also met people and opened minds and loved, loved, loved. I don't regret anything because it all happens for whatever reason. If I don't know what reason yet, all the better. I do, however, feel something that I can't define about the pain I've caused others and it made me ask myself, is it better to be happy or to be good? The girl I've always wanted to be jumps up and down yelling, "HAPPY OBVIOUSLY!" But always working toward your own happiness can make you sad or lonely when you lose good friends because what makes you happy actually makes them terribly sad or mad or disappointed. I spent some time out of state, out of this milleu of mess I've created, to clear my head. I walked through the Smoky Mountains with nothing in my hands and tried to figure out into whom I'd most like to transform next. I was lost. I really liked That Girl. She was fun. I came down from the mountains, freezing and still as confused as ever to land in a glass of whiskey. I realized it had become too easy being that person. I made it to the finish line and now that the challenge was over, I was bored. It wasn't getting me anywhere but since I didn't have any idea who to be next, I was stalled in that cycle. No matter what state I was in, I was still an asshole. A change in geography didn't mean a change in soul. That upset me pretty badly. I decided I needed a new goal for 2010 and it wasn't until the eve of the new year that I decided on it. Since it took probably the greater part of 2 years to become That Girl, I didn't want to throw her out without one more night of mayhem. So, I let her out to sing and dance a champagne-drenched tango. To flirt and tease relentlessly. To have the sort of out of control confidence that is advertised in perfume commercials. Eau de Reckless. It was perfect. Partying and lying and smoking, drinking, playing. Dangling my legs in the freezing pool at my parents house in between a girl I love and a boy for whom all of my interest could be kept in the right side of my contact lens case. Then sitting in the forest with only blue moon beams to clothe us until the sunrise became an imminent danger. Then I closed my eyes and accepted that when I woke, she would be gone. And she was. The only proof she ever existed is the sand I keep finding in everything I own and a few well-timed snapshots. I woke up new.
I am not yet the new person I want to be but I'm going to start working toward her. A change here and a change there will lead me forward. It's going to be a year of many changes. Many challenges. But it will be beautiful. I'll find the balance once more.
In conclusion, if I've hurt, offended, sickened, etc any of you in word or action in the past, I apologize. Non sum qualis eram: I am not as I once was. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I'm just stating: that was then, this is now.
A brand new chapter has begun. The old ghosts remain in the shadows, howling and scratching but the sun (or the moon!) is rising and everything will continue in it's cycle and I will once again be good.
I know most wouldn't agree but with the full moon and the end of the decade, I feel like the sins of the past have been wiped clean. I'm calm and I'm collected. I have a place to live in Gainesville again. My singular new years resolution is just to be a better person.
You know how you construct an idea of The Person I Want to Be in your mind? Whether it be based on other people or just actions and thoughts? I felt like I finally reached that point in the last few drags of 2009. I was Her. That girl I've been striving to be. Happy, free, open, adventurous, with long hair and confidence in spades, less book smart and more street smart, sexually aggressive, wide eyed and awake, unstressed and complaint-free. I did it! Of course, upon reaching that goal, I discovered that not everyone likes that person. It's a weird thing for me. I almost never understand how people don't like the things that I like when they're so obviously good in my opinion. Whaddya mean you don't like experimental music / drugs / free love / dancing? It's positively fabulous! But different strokes for different folks, I guess. That's a beautiful thing, too. Right now I can't think of anything I don't like but I'm sure something exists and someone I know really likes it. So, in my quest to be whom I'd always hoped I'd be, I hurt people. I disgusted people. I lost people. I also met people and opened minds and loved, loved, loved. I don't regret anything because it all happens for whatever reason. If I don't know what reason yet, all the better. I do, however, feel something that I can't define about the pain I've caused others and it made me ask myself, is it better to be happy or to be good? The girl I've always wanted to be jumps up and down yelling, "HAPPY OBVIOUSLY!" But always working toward your own happiness can make you sad or lonely when you lose good friends because what makes you happy actually makes them terribly sad or mad or disappointed. I spent some time out of state, out of this milleu of mess I've created, to clear my head. I walked through the Smoky Mountains with nothing in my hands and tried to figure out into whom I'd most like to transform next. I was lost. I really liked That Girl. She was fun. I came down from the mountains, freezing and still as confused as ever to land in a glass of whiskey. I realized it had become too easy being that person. I made it to the finish line and now that the challenge was over, I was bored. It wasn't getting me anywhere but since I didn't have any idea who to be next, I was stalled in that cycle. No matter what state I was in, I was still an asshole. A change in geography didn't mean a change in soul. That upset me pretty badly. I decided I needed a new goal for 2010 and it wasn't until the eve of the new year that I decided on it. Since it took probably the greater part of 2 years to become That Girl, I didn't want to throw her out without one more night of mayhem. So, I let her out to sing and dance a champagne-drenched tango. To flirt and tease relentlessly. To have the sort of out of control confidence that is advertised in perfume commercials. Eau de Reckless. It was perfect. Partying and lying and smoking, drinking, playing. Dangling my legs in the freezing pool at my parents house in between a girl I love and a boy for whom all of my interest could be kept in the right side of my contact lens case. Then sitting in the forest with only blue moon beams to clothe us until the sunrise became an imminent danger. Then I closed my eyes and accepted that when I woke, she would be gone. And she was. The only proof she ever existed is the sand I keep finding in everything I own and a few well-timed snapshots. I woke up new.
I am not yet the new person I want to be but I'm going to start working toward her. A change here and a change there will lead me forward. It's going to be a year of many changes. Many challenges. But it will be beautiful. I'll find the balance once more.
In conclusion, if I've hurt, offended, sickened, etc any of you in word or action in the past, I apologize. Non sum qualis eram: I am not as I once was. I'm not asking for forgiveness. I'm just stating: that was then, this is now.
A brand new chapter has begun. The old ghosts remain in the shadows, howling and scratching but the sun (or the moon!) is rising and everything will continue in it's cycle and I will once again be good.