It's not that easy...
CHAPTER FIVE (5)
There I was in Church on a Sunday morning, hoping to find forgiveness from God. Yesterday I had spent my day reading the bible, searching for an explanation but didn't find one. I promised myself I wouldn't let my feelings make up my mind. I wanted to start over without Sian but she was everywhere I turned. After my text message two days ago she tried to call me but I didn't answer and even switched my phone off later that day. I didn't want to be confronted with her unless there was no way around it, like in school.
I prayed to God he would guide me trough this. I wanted him to give me the strength to resist my hunger and take away my feelings. When I was done praying I went by the Pastor to see if he wanted to talk but he wasn't there. He was probably practicing his speech for this mornings gathering, so I've left him a note saying I wouldn't be at choir practice this week. I knew that he would force me to talk to Sian even though I didn't want to.
I got my coat on and left the Church to take the next bus home. As I arrived there was a girl waiting in front of my home. It was Sian. The first thing I wanted to do was leave and don't come back for the next few hours but she had already seen me so there was no escaping. As I got close she started to apologize. "Soph, please listing to me.. I'm really sorry! I shouldn't have run from you and I shouldn't have kissed Ryan. I was a mistake, Soph!", she said while I put my key in the door. She was now standing behind me forcing her way trough the door but I didn't let her. I took one last look at her and closed the door behind me.
My mom didn't noticed something was going on before I walked in and welcomed me home as I made my way upstairs. When I just placed myself on my bed I heard the doorbell ring. Would she be that stubborn? I wanted to yell at my mom to not open the door, but I knew she would ask questions so I didn't. I said one last prayer as my bedroom door opened. "Your mom let me in…", Sian said while looking at the ground. "We need to talk…".
There was an awkward silence till she continued, "I know I did something I shouldn't have and I'm not asking you for forgiveness, but we really need to talk about what happened..". I felt like slapping her in the face for not listening to me when I wanted to talk to her, but I kept myself calm. "I wanted to talk to you but you didn't want to listen. Now you're to late", I said with a straight face. I didn't want her to think I was still messed up about it, because I knew deep down she was able to win back my heart.
"Look I get that you're mad about it, but you need to hear me out! … I came here to talk about my feelings the other night and even though I told you I'm not a lesbian you've kissed me", she said while trying to get eye contact. I didn't want to reply but before I'd noticed I whispered "You kissed me back. Not a lesbian, my ass!". Sian looked at me angrily as if she wanted to tell me there was a much more reasonable explanation for our kiss, so I asked her why. "..I got caught up in the moment and I guess it just felt right", she answered. "I don't know what I am and I wanted to tell you that, but then you kissed me and told me you love me… I didn't want my feelings to get influenced on what happened, I want to know for myself before I make any conclusions".
"But why did you kiss Ryan then? And I heard you are in a relationship now so don't even try to lie to me about it!", I asked her feeling frustrated. She looked confused as she answered my question, "What ever Ryan and I had is over, I don't know what I was thinking when I kissed him. I just felt like it". "You FELT like it? What are you? Some kind of slut? .. GET OUT! .. NOW!!", I replied with red blooded eyes. As she saw how serious I was she turned around and left, whispering the words "I'm sorry".
I closed the door behind her and started to cry out of anger. How could she be so cruel? Kissing a guy is one thing but kissing a guy just because you feel like it is another! And what about that feeling like it? If she doesn't even know what she feels how come she knows she wants to kiss Ryan? Fucking bullshit! She's playing a game and I'm no longer playing it with her!
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Monday morning, a new day at school. As I walked in the classroom I instantly spotted an empty chair where Sian used to sit. I didn't want to think about her but I couldn't help it, I wanted to know where she was. When I asked around nobody knew, not even Ryan. The only thing he said was, "I don't want to talk about her", which sounded to me like they weren't together anymore just like she had said. Maybe she called in sick? Or maybe she's just late? I thought, but she never showed.
Two hours had past and it was lunchtime. I sat down in the school cafeteria but soon couldn't face the happy people around me anymore. When Chesney asked me what was going on I left for the the restroom. I couldn't tell him what was wrong even though I'd convince myself to stop feeling for Sian, I still did and I was afraid of him finding out by looking at me.
While walking down the hall way somebody grabbed me and pushed me into a supply room. It was dark and I couldn't see. "What are you doing? Who are you?", I asked while turning around. Suddenly I felt soft lips touch mine, "Just kiss me" I heard a familiar voice say. Flashbacks were running trough my mind as I leaned back in. Her tongue asked for entrance while she grabbed my hair. I started to massage her tongue with mine and we deepened the kiss. As if I knew what to do, I placed my hand on one of her breasts. "Mmmmm", she moaned instantly.
By hearing the girl moan I got back to reality. What am I doing? Is this even Sian? I started to wonder. The girls was still kissing me passionately when I suddenly backed out. "I can't do this, I'm sorry", I said and walked out without looking back. I ran towards the restroom and locked myself up.
In the mirror I saw a girl. A beautiful and normal looking girl. A girl that could have any bloke she wanted. Why is this happing to me, I asked myself. Why do I have these feelings? Why can't I just be like a normal teenage girl?
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"Where have you been the past 20 minutes?", my math teacher asked me when I walked in. I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to tell him the truth either. "I wasn't feeling so well, so I went to the school nurse to get some rest", I said with a soft and meaningful voice. The teacher looked at me with a worried face and placed his hand on my shoulder, "I hope you feel better soon. Now lets get to work!".
The first thing I noticed when I walked in was Sian sitting next to Ryan. There was a big amount of space between them as Ryan was sitting at the corner of his desk. They obviously weren't talking, which gave me a tingling feeling inside my stomach. I didn't want to feel this way but then Sian turned around looking me right into my eyes. My heart told me to smile but my head didn't want to. As I needed to get this feeling out of my system I looked at her angrily. I didn't want to feel for her anymore and I needed to make that clear.
Sian turned back to her desk and started to sob. Everyone immediately went quiet and looked at her. "What's wrong Sian?", our teacher asked while walking up to her. Sian didn't answer but got off her chair and walked right up to me, "No one ever made me feel this happy and unhappy on the same day. I don't know what I want, but I know I want it with you", she said while her tears were dropping on my textbook.
So much was running trough my mind, I didn't know what to say. What am I suppose to say? Look at her… She's crying because I keep pushing her away even though I was the one who started all this. I need to fix this.
I opened my mouth but there was no sound. Sian looked at me hoping that I would say something, but I couldn't. Disappointed she turned around and walked towards the classroom door. My thoughts were going mad. I can't let her walk away, I thought to myself. I love her! Without a doubt I got up and grabbed her hand. Sian's eyes were red from crying, but they still looked beautiful and were now staring into my eyes. I forgot about the world surrounding us and kissed her. We held each other tight as I whispered in her ear, "I love you Sian".
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Hi Guys!
I'm sorry for not posting this sooner..
After one year working I got back to college this week and it's so boring I can't concentrate on writing :(
I'll keep on trying, but I can't promise there will be another chapter online soon. Sorry!!
xxxx
PS. To make up for not writing sooner, here is a video I've made:
There I was in Church on a Sunday morning, hoping to find forgiveness from God. Yesterday I had spent my day reading the bible, searching for an explanation but didn't find one. I promised myself I wouldn't let my feelings make up my mind. I wanted to start over without Sian but she was everywhere I turned. After my text message two days ago she tried to call me but I didn't answer and even switched my phone off later that day. I didn't want to be confronted with her unless there was no way around it, like in school.
I prayed to God he would guide me trough this. I wanted him to give me the strength to resist my hunger and take away my feelings. When I was done praying I went by the Pastor to see if he wanted to talk but he wasn't there. He was probably practicing his speech for this mornings gathering, so I've left him a note saying I wouldn't be at choir practice this week. I knew that he would force me to talk to Sian even though I didn't want to.
I got my coat on and left the Church to take the next bus home. As I arrived there was a girl waiting in front of my home. It was Sian. The first thing I wanted to do was leave and don't come back for the next few hours but she had already seen me so there was no escaping. As I got close she started to apologize. "Soph, please listing to me.. I'm really sorry! I shouldn't have run from you and I shouldn't have kissed Ryan. I was a mistake, Soph!", she said while I put my key in the door. She was now standing behind me forcing her way trough the door but I didn't let her. I took one last look at her and closed the door behind me.
My mom didn't noticed something was going on before I walked in and welcomed me home as I made my way upstairs. When I just placed myself on my bed I heard the doorbell ring. Would she be that stubborn? I wanted to yell at my mom to not open the door, but I knew she would ask questions so I didn't. I said one last prayer as my bedroom door opened. "Your mom let me in…", Sian said while looking at the ground. "We need to talk…".
There was an awkward silence till she continued, "I know I did something I shouldn't have and I'm not asking you for forgiveness, but we really need to talk about what happened..". I felt like slapping her in the face for not listening to me when I wanted to talk to her, but I kept myself calm. "I wanted to talk to you but you didn't want to listen. Now you're to late", I said with a straight face. I didn't want her to think I was still messed up about it, because I knew deep down she was able to win back my heart.
"Look I get that you're mad about it, but you need to hear me out! … I came here to talk about my feelings the other night and even though I told you I'm not a lesbian you've kissed me", she said while trying to get eye contact. I didn't want to reply but before I'd noticed I whispered "You kissed me back. Not a lesbian, my ass!". Sian looked at me angrily as if she wanted to tell me there was a much more reasonable explanation for our kiss, so I asked her why. "..I got caught up in the moment and I guess it just felt right", she answered. "I don't know what I am and I wanted to tell you that, but then you kissed me and told me you love me… I didn't want my feelings to get influenced on what happened, I want to know for myself before I make any conclusions".
"But why did you kiss Ryan then? And I heard you are in a relationship now so don't even try to lie to me about it!", I asked her feeling frustrated. She looked confused as she answered my question, "What ever Ryan and I had is over, I don't know what I was thinking when I kissed him. I just felt like it". "You FELT like it? What are you? Some kind of slut? .. GET OUT! .. NOW!!", I replied with red blooded eyes. As she saw how serious I was she turned around and left, whispering the words "I'm sorry".
I closed the door behind her and started to cry out of anger. How could she be so cruel? Kissing a guy is one thing but kissing a guy just because you feel like it is another! And what about that feeling like it? If she doesn't even know what she feels how come she knows she wants to kiss Ryan? Fucking bullshit! She's playing a game and I'm no longer playing it with her!
---------------------------------------------------------------- S & S ----------------------------------------------------------------
Monday morning, a new day at school. As I walked in the classroom I instantly spotted an empty chair where Sian used to sit. I didn't want to think about her but I couldn't help it, I wanted to know where she was. When I asked around nobody knew, not even Ryan. The only thing he said was, "I don't want to talk about her", which sounded to me like they weren't together anymore just like she had said. Maybe she called in sick? Or maybe she's just late? I thought, but she never showed.
Two hours had past and it was lunchtime. I sat down in the school cafeteria but soon couldn't face the happy people around me anymore. When Chesney asked me what was going on I left for the the restroom. I couldn't tell him what was wrong even though I'd convince myself to stop feeling for Sian, I still did and I was afraid of him finding out by looking at me.
While walking down the hall way somebody grabbed me and pushed me into a supply room. It was dark and I couldn't see. "What are you doing? Who are you?", I asked while turning around. Suddenly I felt soft lips touch mine, "Just kiss me" I heard a familiar voice say. Flashbacks were running trough my mind as I leaned back in. Her tongue asked for entrance while she grabbed my hair. I started to massage her tongue with mine and we deepened the kiss. As if I knew what to do, I placed my hand on one of her breasts. "Mmmmm", she moaned instantly.
By hearing the girl moan I got back to reality. What am I doing? Is this even Sian? I started to wonder. The girls was still kissing me passionately when I suddenly backed out. "I can't do this, I'm sorry", I said and walked out without looking back. I ran towards the restroom and locked myself up.
In the mirror I saw a girl. A beautiful and normal looking girl. A girl that could have any bloke she wanted. Why is this happing to me, I asked myself. Why do I have these feelings? Why can't I just be like a normal teenage girl?
---------------------------------------------------------------- S & S ----------------------------------------------------------------
"Where have you been the past 20 minutes?", my math teacher asked me when I walked in. I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to tell him the truth either. "I wasn't feeling so well, so I went to the school nurse to get some rest", I said with a soft and meaningful voice. The teacher looked at me with a worried face and placed his hand on my shoulder, "I hope you feel better soon. Now lets get to work!".
The first thing I noticed when I walked in was Sian sitting next to Ryan. There was a big amount of space between them as Ryan was sitting at the corner of his desk. They obviously weren't talking, which gave me a tingling feeling inside my stomach. I didn't want to feel this way but then Sian turned around looking me right into my eyes. My heart told me to smile but my head didn't want to. As I needed to get this feeling out of my system I looked at her angrily. I didn't want to feel for her anymore and I needed to make that clear.
Sian turned back to her desk and started to sob. Everyone immediately went quiet and looked at her. "What's wrong Sian?", our teacher asked while walking up to her. Sian didn't answer but got off her chair and walked right up to me, "No one ever made me feel this happy and unhappy on the same day. I don't know what I want, but I know I want it with you", she said while her tears were dropping on my textbook.
So much was running trough my mind, I didn't know what to say. What am I suppose to say? Look at her… She's crying because I keep pushing her away even though I was the one who started all this. I need to fix this.
I opened my mouth but there was no sound. Sian looked at me hoping that I would say something, but I couldn't. Disappointed she turned around and walked towards the classroom door. My thoughts were going mad. I can't let her walk away, I thought to myself. I love her! Without a doubt I got up and grabbed her hand. Sian's eyes were red from crying, but they still looked beautiful and were now staring into my eyes. I forgot about the world surrounding us and kissed her. We held each other tight as I whispered in her ear, "I love you Sian".
-----
-----
Hi Guys!
I'm sorry for not posting this sooner..
After one year working I got back to college this week and it's so boring I can't concentrate on writing :(
I'll keep on trying, but I can't promise there will be another chapter online soon. Sorry!!
xxxx
PS. To make up for not writing sooner, here is a video I've made:
Click to view